Picture The Stars Fell On Butler
Later he was crushed by falling trophies.
I don't get it.
"Wow. I knew something unusual was happening out there on the court," said Butler head coach Brad Stevens, "and now this record proves it. We are very disappointed to lose, but at least we were part of history. I guess."
Despite the loss, Stevens' Butler squad led the way in creating rebound opportunities by missing 52 field goals and six free throws.
"They really dominated us on the missed shots," said UConn head coach Jim Calhoun. "It wasn't even close. But we managed to beat them in almost every other statistical category and it showed up on the scoreboard."
While UConn's players got to cut down the nets as NCAA champions, Butler will also receive a memento from the game: the rims and backboards.
"They were damaged beyond repair from all of the bricks they threw up, so we can't use them anyway," said Reliant Stadium court manager Jeff Tidway. "So Butler is getting the rims most of the paint is chipped off and also the backboards, which have a number of hairline fractures."
"This is pretty much the honeymoon phase for Brad Stevens with America," said Dr. Peter Wolcomb, a behavioral studies professor at Butler University. "Success breeds contempt. And success in college basketball, which is a disgusting cesspool of filth and deceit, breeds suspicion. Soon he'll be as loathed as Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Calhoun, John Calipari or really any college basketball coach you can name."
With Butler now on the national radar thanks to back-to-back trips to the Final Four, even the slightest hint of misbehavior from the program will be seen as evidence Stevens is no better or cleaner than any other coach.
"Say one of their players gets a speeding ticket," said Harvard sociology department chair Dr. Emmett Baker. "Or you hear that someone on the team is taking a fairly easy major. You will then project all of your negative opinions of college basketball on the Butler program and Stevens himself, presuming what you've heard is only the tip of the iceberg and that Butler players are paid six-figures and plied with high-priced strippers all under the direction of Brad Stevens."
"Sports at this level are a business," said Butler athletic director Barry Collier. "And we have to make the best business decision for our team. We have established ourselves as a premier program and bigger markets have come calling. We're hot right now. It's not the time to sit still."
Butler is currently located in Indiana, seven miles from Indianapolis a mid-sized city in the Midwest but is now weighing offers from New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Miami, among other locations.
"I love it here," said Butler head coach Brad Stevens. "But imagine the media coverage we'd get having this success in New York. Not to mention what they could pay me there. I know it would definitely be enough to keep me at Butler for a long time."
Picture Butler Player's Face Melts Off
It's hard to see a double-team when your eyes are full of blood.