Don't get it wrong: Alex Trebeck is a hip cat.
Opinion Bryce Harper Has Many Eyes
And so ends Bryce Harper's camp for kids.
He's truly a brah of his times.
There have been many clowns throughout history, bro.
Is it hard running the bases with your huge shoes?
Claus has been following Harper's controversial antics closely over the last two years, but only recently has he begun taking a liking to the young outfielder.
"To be honest, I didn't think I'd ever take the kid's name off the Naughty List," said Claus between two huge gulps of milk. "But here we are."
Harper might have earned some brownie points when he emerged from the dugout for a curtain call and pointed a northward, a thoughtful acknowledgment of the fat man in red.
"I don't know what to say. I messed up," said Hamels. "I hit him in the small of his back, so I missed my target by about three feet, as I wanted to hit hit square in his stupid goddam face. My lack of control on that pitch is not acceptable. I expect better from myself, and I will forever regret not plunking him square in his douche head."
Hamels says he thinks he knows what happened on the pitch.
"I got so excited about the opportunity to smash his face, maybe to the point of knocking his helmet off and tearing a bald patch in his faux-hawk, blood pouring down his sideburns and into his mouth, that I overthrew," said Hamels. "I won't make that mistake again."
Hamels also stressed that trying to hit Harper in the face wasn't anything personal.
"I don't know him at all," said the pitcher, "although anyone who has met him says he's unbearable. I wanted to hit him in in the face based on appearances alone, nothing else."
Many people do say that Bryce Harper is an ass, so this is somewhat fitting.
He has the potential to be the greatest brah baseball player of all-time.