News Santa Taking Notice of Bryce Harper's Thrilling Start
Claus has been following Harper’s controversial antics closely over the last two years, but only recently has he begun taking a liking to the young outfielder.
“To be honest, I didn’t think I’d ever take the kid’s name off the Naughty List,” said Claus between two huge gulps of milk. “But here we are.”
Harper might have earned some brownie points when he emerged from the dugout for a curtain call and pointed a northward, a thoughtful acknowledgment of the fat man in red.
News Cole Hamels Apologizes for Not Hitting Bryce Harper in His Stupid Face
“I don’t know what to say. I messed up,” said Hamels. “I hit him in the small of his back, so I missed my target by about three feet, as I wanted to hit hit square in his stupid goddam face. My lack of control on that pitch is not acceptable. I expect better from myself, and I will forever regret not plunking him square in his douche head.”
Hamels says he thinks he knows what happened on the pitch.
“I got so excited about the opportunity to smash his face, maybe to the point of knocking his helmet off and tearing a bald patch in his faux-hawk, blood pouring down his sideburns and into his mouth, that I overthrew,” said Hamels. “I won’t make that mistake again.”
Hamels also stressed that trying to hit Harper in the face wasn’t anything personal.
“I don’t know him at all,” said the pitcher, “although anyone who has met him says he’s unbearable. I wanted to hit him in in the face based on appearances alone, nothing else.”
Video Bryce Harper's First Major League Hit Featured a Fan's Butt
Many people do say that Bryce Harper is an ass, so this is somewhat fitting.
Video Bryce Harper: Phenom of Douchery
He has the potential to be the greatest brah baseball player of all-time.
News Who is Bryce Harper?
Baseball phenom Bryce Harper will be the first pick in the Major League Baseball draft. He has been dubbed “The Chosen One” bySports Illustrated.
Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Bryce Harper.
Despite being only 17 years old, Harper stands 6-foot-3 and weighs 205 pounds.Harperhas already received numerous endorsement contract offers from makers of husky jeans.
Harper hit the longest home run in the history of Tropicana Field, a 502-foot blast that would have flown farther had it not hit the back wall of the dome.Thanks to his aluminum bat, Harper has also hit 16 ground-rule doubles in his career while attempting to bunt.
The phenom has been compared to Justin Upton, Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey, Jr.A career .268 hitter who strikes out once every three at-bats, a cheater/choker/she-male lover who fancies himself a centaur, and a chubby guy who was injured for half his career. With scouts like these … bada-BOOM!
According toSports Illustrated, Harper “has faster bat speed than Mark McGwire in his prime and runs so fast that he scored on wild pitches six times […] from second base. As a catcher he picks off runners from his knees, and when he pitches, he throws a fastball that has been clocked at 96 mph. He also does volunteer work, holds down a 3.5 grade point average and attends religious education classes nearly every morning before school.”And he is an accomplished artist who has earned rave reviews for his works depicting Tim Tebow’s dainty, pink vagina.
Harper already is known for his trademark eye black, which covers both of his cheeks. While Tebow can only write a Bible verse on his eye black, Harper is able to post entire Bible chapters.
Harper and his parents are being advised by Scott Boras and the 17 year-old says his dreams include to “Play in Yankee Stadium. Play in pinstripes.”As an added part of his large frame, Harper has packed extra muscle into the place where his soul used to be.
Despite his obvious baseball gifts, Harper has drawn criticism for angry outbursts and repeated poor behavior. Clearly he knows he is being drafted by the Nationals and will require some counseling.
In his freshman season of high school, Harper hit a 570-foot home run.570-foot home run as a freshman. Only a 502-foot home run as a sophomore. Violent rages. Looks like someone is coming down off of the steroids-fueled middle school years.
