"We're a team. Obviously someone has to do it," said Vogelsong. "But, sure, I wish it wasn't me. In the high-pressure situation of a Game 7, nerves are on edge. I don't know if I can pretend to think he's funny. If we go down a run and he starts tapping on the top of my hat, I could snap and bludgeon him with a bat."
Vogelsong has sought out advice from other teammates who have had the misfortune of sitting next to Wilson.
"Probably the main thing is to pretend you are somewhere else and just completely block out his presence and existence," said Matt Cain. "Beyond that, I would suggest every minute or so saying something about how beards are really funny. Once an inning when I had him I would mumble in a monotone: 'Brian, your beard is super hilarious and your eccentric antics delight me and the entire nation. Please don't stop.' That usually kept him content enough that he didn't try to do anything extra to really get attention."
"Yes, the beard," said Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval. "I noticed there was hair growing out of his face. He still seems really proud of it."
Giants pitcher Ryan Vogelsong corroborated that report.
"It is thick and darkly colored," said the starter. "I don't know where he comes up with it. Well, no. I guess I do. He just doesn't shave. Man. Hilarious. Hilarious with the not shaving. What a character!"
Giants pitchers and catchers reported to training camp last weekend and Wilson immediately established his authority in the locker room.
"Whoa. Brohims. Hear this now, remember it always. The area you see before you is designated solely for the beard, El Bearderino, the Beard Dog," he said, drawing an imaginary circle around his locker. "None shall cross it lest they find themselves in a world of black ops pain."
"Next, some rules on how you and yours shall approach me for autographing your valuables," Wilson continued talking, despite all of his teammates filing out of the locker room to the field to begin stretching.
"He was actually the 5th most Googled person in the world in 2011, but 99.4 percent of the 24.4 million searches were by Brian himself, so we disqualified him from the overall rankings," said Google spokesman Jeff Brunswick.
In addition to Googling "Brian Wilson", Wilson frequently searched for "Brian Wilson is so cool", "Brian Wilson is hilarious", "Brian Wilson + beard + funniest thing ever". However, those searches usually came back with no results.
Wilson says winning the title of most-Googled by himself for 2011 proves just how awesome and hilarious he is.
"It's like black ops, dude," he said, pointing to his beard and then making a weird expression with his face. After that was met with 20 to 30 seconds of silence by everyone in the room, he said "I have a large beard!" before walking out, getting hit with a thrown tomato on the way.
Picture Brian Wilson Fan Homage
Almost 100-percent accurate in its douchiness.
Brian Wilson is a member of the Beard Whig Party.
Picture Brian Wilson's Spandex Tuxedo
He needed much more attention as a child.
Fully bearded in the 6th grade. He's going to get a young female teacher fired.
"Have you seen him?" said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "He has a beard. But not just any beard. It's a dark black beard and it's large almost comically so. Plus, he's really intense about his beard. So we're very confident that Brian Wilson and his beard will resonate all across the country and get people excited about baseball."
Wilson, or Wilson's beard, has been pushed heavily since the Giants won the World Series last October. The Wilson/beard combo is a frequent interview subject and the star of several national ad campaigns, including spots for MLB and ESPN.
"You see, he has a big beard and has had two successful seasons in the major leagues," said Rob Brandon, MLB Director of Marketing. "There's really no way to beat that. It writes itself, just like how facial hair grows itself. But unlike most men, Brian doesn't shave so that's what makes him so cool and marketable. It couldn't be clearer."
While Wilson and his beard remain the sport's focal point for 2011, MLB officials say they are open to also promoting other above-average players with unusual growths or poor hygiene.
I guess this is why Josh Elliott left for Good Morning America.