Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre announced today that longtime NFL linebacker Junior Seau is unretiring again to play for the New England Patriots. Favre made the announcement at a press conference held minutes after the quarterback heard the news on ESPN.
"This wasn't an easy decision for me," said Favre. "I thought long and hard about it and consulted my family. But in the end I realized that I love having press conferences and want to take any opportunity I can to get my face and name on television."
Seau retired from the San Diego Chargers in 2006 only to suit up with the Patriots that season. He came out of retirement again last year to play for New England.
"Junior keeps unretiring, but I'm the one who does that the most. Let's make that clear," said Favre. "When you talk about unretiring athletes, always mention my name first. That's the point of why I asked you all hear today. Don't let him bump me out of the press. And I'm at least playing full seasons. Junior isn't. And I'm 40. He's not. Oh? He is? Dangit. Well, I'm a gunslinger. What is he a tackleslinger? That's not a thing."
With his Seau press conference at a close, Favre then began taking press conference requests from the gathered media.
"Do any of you need me to announce anything for you? An engagement? A car that's for sale? Anything at all?" said Favre. "I'd be happy to. Just make sure my name is in the headline."
Peter King of Sports Illustrated said this is the sort of things that makes the media so enamored with Favre.
"He held a press conference just to announce that they were out of dulce de leche coffee creamer in the media room," said King. "And he did it for me out of the goodness of his heart and for no other reason other than his heart's all-consuming desire for attention, as well as a promise from me that I would stroke him in my column for the remainder of the season. And I will. The creamer was refilled!"
AVOID: Brett Favre, QB, VikingsOkay, so this one may seem fairly obvious. But there is always someone in every fantasy league who doesn't know what they're doing. At all. And maybe that person is you. Every year that person drafts someone who is dead, suspended or out for the season with an injury. Technically, Brett Favre is not any of those three things. He just happens to play like it.
Fran Tarkenton is not a big Brett Favre fan. The former Vikings quarterback hates him so much he may never wear jeans or mow his lawn again. And he's proud to tell the world.
"I really have no interest in what Brett Favre does. He kind of lost me a few years ago by retiring and unretiring and here and there," Tarkenton said on "The Opening Drive" on Sirius NFL Radio."I asked a few friends here, maybe 10 or 12 people we were out with last night. I said, 'What do you think about Brett Favre going back to the Vikings?' You know who cared? Nobody. It's good news for you guys. It's good news for television and so forth but the last time I heard football was a team sport, isn't it? It's not just about the quarterback."
Next Tarkenton spoke with ESPN's Outside the Lines have responsibilities we're just not athletes that are in it all for ourself, football, is it not a team game? Isn't it all about team and here comes Brett Favre riding in on his white horse, doesn't go to training camp, doesn't come to offseason workouts and he's gonna come on his white horse and bond with all these players."
Wow. Tough words. Tarkenton clearly believes the Favre-Vikings experiment is not going to end well.
But if it would go well? Perhaps even end with a Super Bowl title? Why, that would be INCREDIBLE!
You know, for someone who apparently advocates the live-boiling of kittens, Tarkenton should probably keep his opinions to himself. Even Michael Vick wasn't that depraved.
Less than 20 minutes after rolling off of his wife and kissing her goodnight, former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre is seriously considering a return to her body for one more go.
“I thought I had my fill,” said Favre. “But I’m still a relatively young man. There are still some things I can do. Still some things I can accomplish. I don’t think I want to go out the way I did.”
The Favres had quite a romp in bed throughout the night, but just when things looked to be set up perfectly for his wife to achieve orgasm, Favre blew it with a disastrous premature ejaculation.
“We had a great ride, but it ended terribly,” he said. “I have always liked to push it and go right up to the edge, but sometimes I go too far. That’s why I’ve had a fair number of premature ejaculations in my career. But I have also given some amazing orgasms, too.”
In the minutes after their disappointing finish, Favre’s wife tried to gauge her husband’s interest in returning for one more try. He quickly turned her down.
“It was a long haul and I was mentally and physically drained,” said Favre. “I had shot my load. And I honestly didn’t feel like doing it all over again. I was content with how I left things. I just wanted to relax and maybe watch some TV.”
But soon Favre started to feel the desire to get back on and go.
“I love it – what can I tell you?” he said. “I love the excitement. I love the sweat. I love getting cheered on to succeed. There’s nothing I like more. I just have a strong, deep desire inside of me. And it’s usually exhibited by an erection.”
But despite Favre’s desire to give it one more try, his wife isn’t so sure.
“I had some decisions to make and I had to move on. I couldn’t lay here and wait,” she said. “I think I was pretty close to something great back there, so I decided to turn to this vibrator I got a few years ago and see if it could finish the job. It’s not Brett Favre, but I think it will do a fine job. Ohhhhhh, yes. It’s doing quite nicely. Ohhhhhh my yes. I mean, I guess Brett can come back if he wants to, but the job isn’t necessarily his anymore. Oooooooh. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yessssss!”
Brett Favre clarified his decision to retire permanently from football today, saying he will step away from the game each week during the season from Monday through Saturday, only to briefly unretire for a few hours each Sunday afternoon to play for the Vikings.
"This allows me to sort of tell the truth for a change because, technically, I will be retired for 99-percent of every week. So suck on that, critics," said Favre. "Plus, I get to play, only I don't have to take part in practice or talk to anyone on the team. It's really the best of both worlds. I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago."
Vikings head coach Brad Childress, who only 24 hours ago thought he would be playing the season with Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels at quarterback, is ecstatic about Favre's new decision.
"I'd love to have him with us all week like a normal player," said Childress. "But Brett made it clear the last few years that the normal rules don't apply to him. He does what he wants. And I'm happy he'll be doing what he wants for us."
The future Hall of Famer won't be practicing with his Vikings teammates before Week 1 or anytime after that but Childress isn't worried the lack of familiarity will negatively impact Minnesota's offense.
"It's not like Brett was going to learn our playbook anyway," said Childress. "He's just going to run around back there and chuck it as far down the field as he possibly can. He's sort of a hybrid of the negative qualities of Tarvaris and Sage that way only he has something very special they don't: the universal love and respect of the media. That's huge in leading a football team to a championship."
Favre said he plans to hold a tearful retirement press conference each Sunday afternoon and then leak rumors to the press throughout each week that he is unretiring, followed by a dramatic unretirement ceremony before every game at midfield before kickoff.
With Brett Favre long gone, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers may have thought he would no longer have to deal with an unretiring quarterback muddling his ascent in Green Bay. But that no longer seems to be the case as former starter Don Majkowski has announced his plans to return to the Packers.
Majkowski has entered into a bitter dispute with his former organization, admitting he is “guilty of retiring too early” 13 years ago, while demanding he be reinstated as the team’s starter or given the opportunity to play elsewhere.
“I was mentally drained after the 1996 season,” says Majkowski.“I couldn’t commit myself fully at that time to coming back, so I stepped away. That’s the kind of guy I am. I have to be able to promise that I’m going to give my all.”
But before long,Majkowskistarted to have second thoughts.
“I guess it was nine or 10 years later, I called up Packers GM Ted Thompson and told him I was thinking of coming back. That would have been 2005 or 2006, I guess,” said Majkowski.“But he just sighed and said it was too late. That the team had moved on to Brett Favre and had even drafted this Aaron Rodgers kid to follow in place of Favre. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t even open to considering my return after all I’ve done for the franchise.”
Majkowskiplayed six seasons in Green Bay from 1987 to 1992, earning the beloved nickname “Majik Man,” and leading the league in yards, completions and attempts in 1989, which earned him a Pro Bowl nod at age 25. He also was inducted into the team’s Hall of Fame.
But despite all of that, not even two full decades after Majkowski leftthe team the Packers says they are committed to Rodgers. So the Majik Man felt he had to go public, share his side of the story and make his case to his dedicated fans in Green Bay.
“Nothing against Aaron, I feel a little bit sorry for the position I have put him in,” says Majkowski.“I do. But I threw for 4,318 yards in 1989. That was only 19 years ago. Aaron has never accomplished anything like that at this level. This team can be something special and we need the veteran presence I can provide.”
While the Packers insist they have no interest in bringing Majkowski back, he says he may just show up at training camp later this month to call their “bluff.”
“It’s going to be a circus there already as it is,” he said. “And if I show, do you really think they won’t hand the team back over to me? I am Don freaking Majkowski.There wasn’t a girl in all of Northern Wisconsin who wouldn’t remove her tight-rolled jeans for me back in the late ‘80s. I don'tthink they can afford the negative fan reaction that would come from dumping me,” he added, pointing to fan protest outside Lambeau Field on Sunday that boasted numbers in the single digits, including his immediate family.
And if showing up at Packers camp doesn’t work, Majkowski says he will show up at the camps of the other 31 NFL teams to call their “bluffs,” too.
“None of them say they want me back either,” he said. “Well, I am very persistent. I think the fact that I'm still wearing a mullet proves that."