Tebow still thinks girls have cooties.
Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn made a bold promise today – and one many think he may not be able to keep – when he promised little William Tyler, a 6-year-old Browns fan suffering from terminal cancer, that he will throw the boy one completion in his next game.
“William asked Brady to throw him five touchdowns and Brady said, ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that for you, little boy,’” said Tara Guzman, Tyler’s nurse. “So then William asked him for one touchdown and Brady kind of hemmed on that one, too. So they went back and forth on stuff like that for a while before Brady finally agreed to try to throw him one single completion. I think it was a fair compromise.”
The little boy says he hopes Quinn comes through on his promise.
“My daddy says that all the Browns need to win is for Brady to not completely f—k it all up and lose the game all by himself,” said William. “And, yeah, my parents say I’m allowed to say bad words like ‘f—k’ if I want to because I’m dying. So hopefully he can complete just one pass for me and the Browns will win a game. I just hope he knows I meant that he has to complete a pass to another Browns player, not the other team.”
Quinn says he is not the one to make brash predictions, but admits he is feeling pretty confident heading into the game.
“I feel like I played well in practice and, at the very least, I feel like I won't play worse than Derek Anderson," said Quinn. “So, yeah, I think I can throw a completion, and who knows – I could go off, get a few breaks and maybe even have two or three. I don’t to limit myself and put a cap on it.”
No matter what the outcome on the scoreboard is, though, little William’s father is hoping against hope that Quinn comes through for his son with the promised completion.
“Brady is William’s favorite player, so this would mean a lot to him and put a smile on his face if it happens,” said Greg Tyler, the stricken boy’s father. “Although I find it kind of depressing that Brady Quinn is his favorite player. It makes me think he hates himself for having cancer and has completely given up on life.”
Hi, this is Brady Quinn, quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. But you may know me better from Notre Dame, or from my Subway or EAS commercials.
Either way, you know me and that means you know my muscles, too. They're huge. And you don't get muscles this big without working out. Hard.
Today's workout? The bench.
Follow these tips and soon enough you'll be as good on the bench as I am.
5 BENCH TIPS by Brady Quinn
Step 1 Stretch!
Stretching is an important part of any workout. I like to play two quarters of a football game to stretch. Sometimes I play more, but usually I am pulled after two quarters and sent to the bench.
Step 2 Work those biceps and triceps!
The Cleveland Browns are not much of a team. Most of us hate each other. We fight all the time. Constant losing does that to a team, you know? So when I get sent to the bench, my teammates usually mock me with stuff like: "Hey, Brady, which way to the bench?" My response? "The bench is thattaway!" When delivering the line, start with a strong bicep curl and then extend the arm to point to the bench, working your triceps.
Step 3 Blast your quads!
Now it's time to sit on the bench. Spread your legs about shoulder-width apart and sit back and down onto the bench. Recline slowly to really burn your quads, as this will be only one repetition you'll be here on the bench the rest of the day, unfortunately.
Step 4 Focus on your core!
Strong core muscles are the key to any fit body. Once you are sitting on the bench, you'll want to lean forward and and put your head in your hands to show your disappointment about sucking. Make sure to contract your abs when doing this. Then, after a few minutes, sit back up straight. Contract your lower back muscles to do this move. Next, just wait a minute or two for your teammates to do something embarrassing on the field and contract those abs again down to shamed head-holding. You will do this move an indefinite amount of times each game. You'll have a six-pack by midseason!
Step 5 Don't forget cardio!
Too many bodybuilders forget about cardio. Not only is cardio good for your health and your heart, it's imperative to getting really cut. I do my cardio at the end of my bench workout. You should do the same. If the game is over, it's time to get up off the bench and run into the locker room. Need extra motivation to hit top speed? Listen to the crowd.
"You suck, Brady!"
"I hate you, Browns! I hate you with all my heart!"
"You look like a horse, Quinn!"
Run! Run! Run away from these mean people!
AVOID: Brady Quinn, QB, Browns If you're looking for a backup quarterback in the late rounds of your draft, it may be tempting to draft Brady Quinn, the presumptive starter in Cleveland. But remember Quinn hasn't been officially announced as the Browns starter. Eric Mangini is keeping it a big secret. But this isn't the good kind of secret. This isn't your girlfriend or boyfriend keeping it a secret about where you are going for your anniversary. Or you not knowing exactly how big your year-end bonus will be. This is a bad secret. Like being told that someone played a prank outside your front door and you not knowing if it's a flaming poo bag on the welcome mat or a rotten fish shoved in your mail slot. Either way it's bad. So whatever you do, don't draft this poo bag. (Quinn is the poo bag, of course. Duh! Derek Anderson is totally a rotten fish.)
Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn finally reported to training camp today after missing the first four days of camp. Quinn’s agent, Tom Condon, said his client was missing because he spent the last two weeks looking into his bathroom mirror, lost in his dreamy gaze.
“I really apologize to everyone for missing so much practice time,” said Quinn. “But I’m sure you all can understand what happened. I was on my way out for dinner, took one last look in the mirror on the way out the door and … well, all I can remember thinking is: ‘Damn, I look hot today.’ The next thing I remember, my agent knocked down my door and broke me out of my trance. Turns out I had been standing there in a beauty trance for two weeks.”
Condon says Quinn’s recollection isn’t entirely accurate.
“Yes, I did knock down the door and break him out of his trance and tell him to get to camp,” said Condon. “But between knocking his door down and breaking him out of his trance, I took the opportunity to stare at him myself for an hour or two. He’s that hot. And then I masturbated. Honest. And I’m not even gay. At least not for men other than Brady.”
Quinn said the first thing he will do upon arriving at camp is apologizing to his teammates for any problems he might have caused by being absent.
“I know me missing practice time as the potential starting quarterback may have been a big distraction to the team,” said Quinn. “But, to be honest, it may be even more of a distraction to have me here. Everyone will be gazing at me, lost in my eyes, checking out my muscles. I’m sure it will be hard for us to get anything accomplished on the field for a few days. And, you know, having not eaten for two weeks, I'm even more cut that normal, if you can believe that. I probably should wear one of those tinted helmet face shields just so part of the dreamscape that is my face is obscured. It will hurt the team, but it’s for their own good.”
Browns head coach Eric Mangini says he has ordered all reflective surfaces be removed from Browns camp in preparation for Quinn’s arrival.
“We can’t have him getting lost in his gaze all the time,” said Mangini. “We might even put a logo on our helmets so he can’t see his reflection on the blank orange exterior. Speaking of a blank orange exterior, Brady has an amazing butt that is totally tan.”