Many predicted an historic upset in the Massachusetts special election to fill the Senate seat left open by the death of Ted Kennedy. But Republican Scott Brown was not able to defeat Democratic candidate Martha Coakley. The election instead went to Yankees Suck, which earned 74-percent of the vote via write-in.
"When I got into the voting booth, I couldn't vote for either of them. They both suck hard," said Scott Haverford, a registered independent and Boston resident. "So I went with my heart. And my heart always says 'Yankees Suck'."
Millions of other Massachusetts voters apparently came to the same decision when it came time to choose.
"I didn't like that Coakley 'cause she called Curt Schilling a Yankee, the bitch," said Cindy O'Connell, a Democrat from South Boston. "But this Brown guy posed naked back in the '80s. I don't want no homosexual representing me in Washington, I know that much. So when it came down to it, it was Yankees Suck or Wes Welker. I flipped a coin and went Yankees Suck."
"I was drunk when I voted and I can't remember who I voted for," said independent Billy O'Rourke. "But, yeah, that sounds like something I'd do."
"Yankees suck!" said Kim Mitchell, a 16-year-old Worcester resident who is not old enough to vote and wasn't asked about the election.
Now that Yankees Suck has been elected, Massachusetts lawmakers have to figure out how to fill the seat with the state's favorite line.
"We could appoint someone to just vote 'Yankees Suck' on every bill in Washington," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. "Or we could hold another special election between the several million Massachusetts residents who have 'Yankees Suck' as their middle name. We just don't know right now. In fact, there's only one thing I do know: Yankees suck!"
I am a baseball player. But if there is one thing the game has taught me, it's not a lesson about competition or sportsmanship or being a man or anything like that.
It's that you might have to fight an old person at a moment's notice.
Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS did I go to the park that day expecting to fight Don Zimmer? Not really. But then one thing led to another and I had to throw that 72-year-old man to the ground.
Live and learn.
Now I'm ready to kick an old person's ass at any moment. And you can be, too.
There are only a few days until the start of the MLB playoffs and SportsPickle is previewing each playoff team. Today: Boston Red Sox.
Coming off a month in which David Ortiz showed signs of breaking out of a season-long slump, opposing fielders say they will no longer lay down on the field when the aging slugger is at the plate.
"It was nice while it lasted," said Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. "You'd get to sit down and relax on the field four or five times a game when you played Boston. Then, after Big Papi finished striking out, you could just hop back up, all refreshed and ready to go for the rest of the game."
Ortiz says he is excited about his improved play.
"I've had a tough season and it was a great motivator for me as an accomplished player when I would be at the plate and look out over the field and see all the opposing fielders laying down or going into the locker room to get a drink," he said. "It made me work harder than I ever have even harder than back when I was extremely energized due to accidentally being on steroids."
Ortiz had 7 home runs and 18 RBI in August, his third consecutive month with at least those numbers in each category after totaling only 1 home run and 18 RBI in April and May combined. But his improved power numbers haven't convinced every opponent to get up off the ground when facing him.
"Have you seen his batting average? His average isn't budging from .220," said Rays shortstop Jason Bartlett. "I still see no reason I should have to stand up. He's either going to hit a home run over my head or strikeout. I'm not involved with either of those. The third option is he hits a pop-up. And the pitcher can get that. I'm grabbing a quick nap. Wake me when Jason Bay gets up."