Filed Under » Boston Red Sox

One day after Commissioner Bud Selig announced cocaine use would be legalized and encouraged for every remaining Yankees-Red Sox series this season, the two teams played Sunday night’s matchup battle in just under 46 minutes, the shortest recorded game in modern MLB history.

The decision was a reaction to yet another pair of marathon contests between Boston and New York during the opening games of the weekend series, as both Friday and Saturday’s meetings lasted well over three hours.

“This ensures the youngest generation of MLB fans will have an opportunity to see baseball played at a reasonable hour," said Selig. "And sometimes the theft of youthful innocence as they witness their heroes lit up and out of their skulls is the price we have to pay. Although, more specifically, a grand per kilo is really the price we have to pay. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to use the bathroom.”

Dirt from the pitcher’s mound was replaced by pure, uncut blow direct from Bogota, Colombia. And while Sox starter Jon Lester’s first 17 pitches each topped 113 MPH, the lefthander proceeded to give up five home runs in the first inning alone, with each clearing the stadium and landing well past Lansdowne Street. In fact, the sheer force of Alex Rodriguez's home run left the slugger's right and left shoulders completely dislocated, though the third baseman didn’t seem notice what had happened as he sprinted around the base path, stopping only at second base to high five Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia reciprocated enthusiastically and followed Rodriguez into the bathroom before the inning was finished. Pedroia was replace by Marco Scutaro, who spent the rest of the inning looking for helicopters and asking Kevin Youkilis if he was a narc.

KC and the Sunshine Band were given the honors of playing the seventh inning stretch, but their set was marred by the ESPN cameras spanning across Fenway’s right field to reveal both team’s bullpens engaged in an orgy, which, by all accounts, had been going on for the previous two hours.

The rule change seemed to visibly affect Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon the most of anyone, as he was the most abrasive and idiotic player of all. Asked after the game why he though the drug had such an impact, the Sox closer replied: “OH SHIT THERE’S COKE?! WHERE?”

SportsPickle is previewing each MLB team as the 2010 season opens. Today:Boston Red Sox (2009: 95-67, AL wildcard winner).

In a stunning a result, the heretofore little regarded Red Sox Nation Bobsled Team placing a shocking third in the 4-Man Bobsled finals today in Vancouver, posting a time of 3:23:98 and capturing the bronze behind Sweden (gold) and Germany (silver).

Team captain Neil “Sully” O’McSullivan was ecstatic with the result.“This is fahhhh every fackin’ RED SAWX FAN BACK HOME!WE FACKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS!YANKEES SACK!”

It was an upset for this Red Sox Nation Bobsled team to even make it Vancouver to begin with.The team’s qualifying trials for the Games were marred when fourth member of the crew Robert “Bawbby” O’Sheagerald was forced to withdraw from the team after saying that while he “hated the s—t” out of Derek Jeter, he really respected the way he played the game.

But O’Sheagerald’s replacement, Thomas “Tawmmy” O’Learyhan of Quincy, MA, proved more than a capable substitute, helping the team post a Red Sox Nation record time at qualifying trials and setting up the team’s miraculous Vancouver run.

Fans of the team were delighted.

“Whey-ah the fack ahhh we, Vancouvah?THIS TOWN BLOWS.It’s nawt cloudy enough!Real towns have clouds!” said fan Jack “Sully” FitzSullivan, one of many wearing the trendy pink Red Sox Nation Bobsled team hats around town.“But whatevah.This brawnze medal just proves that the fackin’ Red Sawx ahhhh the best baseball team in history, and that OW-AH FANS AHHHH THE ONLY TRUE FANS OUT THEY-AH!!!!”

The Red Sox Nation team outclassed more traditional outfits like Switzerland and Norway to capture 3rdplace in the finals, but their finish was not without controversy.Some have disputed the true nationality of the team’s runner, John “Thah Jawnstah!” McO’MacDonald, who was born in Philadelphia.

But McO’MacDonald defended himself to reporters.“I am no cahhpetbaggahhhhh!!!” he said, while dipping six tins of Kodiak simultaneously.“I may have been barn in Philly Nation.But my hahhhht has always been here-ah!THESE AHH MY PEOPLE!”

This is Red Sox Nation’s first-ever gold medal in the Winter Olympics.The country has long been known as a powerhouse in the Special Olympics, but this new bobsled triumph has them setting their sights a bit higher.

“This shows you can do anything if you hate the fackin’ Yankees enough,” said Sully.The first one.

Many predicted an historic upset in the Massachusetts special election to fill the Senate seat left open by the death of Ted Kennedy. But Republican Scott Brown was not able to defeat Democratic candidate Martha Coakley. The election instead went to Yankees Suck, which earned 74-percent of the vote via write-in.

"When I got into the voting booth, I couldn't vote for either of them. They both suck hard," said Scott Haverford, a registered independent and Boston resident. "So I went with my heart. And my heart always says 'Yankees Suck'."

Millions of other Massachusetts voters apparently came to the same decision when it came time to choose.

"I didn't like that Coakley 'cause she called Curt Schilling a Yankee, the bitch," said Cindy O'Connell, a Democrat from South Boston. "But this Brown guy posed naked back in the '80s. I don't want no homosexual representing me in Washington, I know that much. So when it came down to it, it was Yankees Suck or Wes Welker. I flipped a coin and went Yankees Suck."

"I was drunk when I voted and I can't remember who I voted for," said independent Billy O'Rourke. "But, yeah, that sounds like something I'd do."

"Yankees suck!" said Kim Mitchell, a 16-year-old Worcester resident who is not old enough to vote and wasn't asked about the election.

Now that Yankees Suck has been elected, Massachusetts lawmakers have to figure out how to fill the seat with the state's favorite line.

"We could appoint someone to just vote 'Yankees Suck' on every bill in Washington," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. "Or we could hold another special election between the several million Massachusetts residents who have 'Yankees Suck' as their middle name. We just don't know right now. In fact, there's only one thing I do know: Yankees suck!"

I am a baseball player. But if there is one thing the game has taught me, it's not a lesson about competition or sportsmanship or being a man or anything like that.

It's that you might have to fight an old person at a moment's notice.

Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS … did I go to the park that day expecting to fight Don Zimmer? Not really. But then one thing led to another and I had to throw that 72-year-old man to the ground.

Live and learn.

Now I'm ready to kick an old person's ass at any moment. And you can be, too.