He should just hate the Yankees and Red Sox.
Picture Fenway Park Gingerbread House
"Owah cookie stadium is greatah than yah cookie stadium!"
It could be a dildo. It could be Dustin Pedroia's bat. Who knows.
Outfielder Manny Ramirez says he is excited to be back with the White Sox.
"I had some good years on this team," he said. "I think we even won a championship. Is [Carlos] Baerga still here? He's a good guy."
White Sox general manager Ken Williams has encouraged White Sox players and team employees not to correct Ramirez and explain that the White Sox are a completely different team than the Red Sox.
"When you're dealing with someone of Manny's cognitive deficiences, it's just best to keep him comfortable," said Williams.
That plan is working, as Ramirez is already feeling at home. "Everything feels the same as it used to," he said. "The only difference is that the manager, Tommy Franconya or whatever his name is he seems to curse a lot more. Which is cool."
The White Sox say they are working with local law enforcement to have breaking and entering charges dropped against Ramirez for an incident last night when he forced his way into a residence at 511 Chestnut Street.
"It's the address he lived at in Boston," said Williams. "He doesn't know any better. He said he was positive it was his house 'cause it had a door with a knob on it just like his house."
The Boston Red Sox dropped two of three games to the Tampa Bay Rays over the weekend, falling almost hopelessly behind in the race to stay relevant in their hometown.
"This was a tough series for us," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "We won the first one to get within 4 1/2 of first and you could feel the city starting to come around. But then we lost the last two and they're back to thinking they knew we just didn't have it months ago. We really have our work cut out for us as far as getting back in striking distance and re-filling the bandwagon."
The turning point in the series came in the bottom of the 10th inning on Saturday when Tampa reserve Dan Johnson won the game on a walkoff home run.
"Right when the ball cleared the fence, I remember thinking how awesome Tom Brady and Wes Welker are and how it's football season now," said Boston fan Tommy Reilly. "I'm not really a Dustin Pedroia fan anyway. I was just wearing his jersey 'cause my other stuff was in the laundry. And the Pedroia tattoo I got a few years ago on my neck is more like ironic or something. Especially if he's not going to hit above .300 or if he's going to keep being a pussy and not play through injuries."
Boston slugger David Ortiz says the team is playing as hard as it can through an injury-plagued season, but feels they haven't received the same level of support as in past years a feeling that is backed up by a massive drop in local TV ratings this season. But fans insist it's the team, not them.
"We are not frontrunners in Boston," said a man at a sports bar wearing a Shaquille O'Neal Celtics replica jersey. "That's a load of crap spouted by haters. The Red Sox don't have to be in first. That's ridiculous. We would also support them if they were in the wildcard lead."
Tommy John isn't the only athlete with a surgery named after him.
Here are a few others.
According to reports, Roger Clemens will enter federal prison as a member of the Boston Red Sox, picking the team he spent 13 years of his 24-year career over the Yankees, Astros and Blue Jays.
"We knew this day would come," said Clemens' attorney, Rusty Hardin. "We just thought it would be for the Hall of Fame."
Despite a strained relationship with his former team, Clemens forged his baseball career in Boston.
"Roger won three of his seven Cy Young awards with Boston," said his wife, Debbie. "At the same time, he started using steroids in Toronto and really had them pay off in New York and Houston. So it was a tough call for him. He's lost a lot of sleep over this decision. Also because I think he's scared of going to prison."
Clemens is facing more than a year in a federal penetentiary if convicted of lying before Congress. While he may wear a Red Sox hat to prison, it will immediately be seized by prison officials.
"That would be considered contraband," said a guard at a federal penitentiary. "He would have to wear standard prison attire like every other inmate because those are the rules and also for his own protection. Most people hate the Red Sox and would probably try to kill him. Hell, I'd probably shank him myself and I barely even follow baseball."
With the final month of the regular season fast approaching and their outfield situation a question mark due to Jacoby Ellsbury's injury problems, the Boston Red Sox made a bold move today by signing 65-year-old singer-songwriter John Fogerty to play centerfield.
The signing was announced in a press release from the team that read:
"Well, beat the drum and hold the phone the Sox signed John Fogerty today! / We're born again, there's new grass on the field. / A-roundin' third, and headin' for home, it's a brown-eyed handsome man. / And terms of the deal oh, whoa, they're not dis-clos-ed."
While the Red Sox trumpeted Fogerty's signing as the missing piece that will propel them back into playoff contention, others say it is just a desperate move by a desperate team.
"I'm not going to say it's as bad as only getting Jarrod Saltalamacchia at the trade deadline," said one A.L. general manager. "But it's nearly that bad. I'll be surprised if Fogerty is a noticeable improvement over Bill Hall. On the positive side, he does make their roster a little younger."
Fogerty, the former Creedence Clearwater Revival frontman who penned the hit "Centerfield" as a solo artist 25 years ago, has limited baseball experience. Although a scouting reported claims he "spent some time in the Mudville nine, watchin' it from the bench" and that he would "like to give this game a ride."
The singer has cancelled his remaining summer tour dates and will be in the lineup tonight after imploring manager Terry Francona to put him in.
"I'm ready to play today," said Fogerty. "However, I could use some new equipment, as all I have is a beat-up glove, a homemade bat and a brand-new pair of shoes."
The Red Sox also announced today that general manager Theo Epstein will seek treatment for a serious drug problem that began in late 2007.