Filed Under » Boston Red Sox

Boston's sports teams were informed today that they will receive the support and cheers of America's sports fans for 36 more hours in the wake of the apprehension of the second suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing tragedy.

"We received word today that while the nation continues to support the people of Boston, sports fans will begin hating the Red Sox again very soon," said a Red Sox front office source. "While I wish that wasn't the case, I completely understand it. I mean, I supported New York after 9/11 and felt great compassion and heartbreak for everyone there, but I still loved it when they lost the 2001 World Series. The people of New York and what New York City represents is not the same as the Yankees baseball team. Screw the Yankees, right?"

Had the chase for the remaining suspect stretched on for several more days, Boston's teams would likely have received near-unanimous support well into next week, but Friday night's speedy resolution means that support will dissipate over the weekend.

"It's not surprising, especially with the playoffs starting," said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "Right or wrong, people move on. Although the one thing we might have going for us is that we're playing the Knicks. A lot of fans hate them, too. We might be the least disagreeable option. At least for a series."

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he has learned the Patriots were never viewed in a sympathetic light.

"Unlike the other three teams, we are not in season," said Kraft. "So no one ever felt the need to stop hating us. We remain universally loathed outside of New England. It's been business as usual around here."

Boston's John Farrell has decided to ban his players from working from home, the new Red Sox manager announced today.

"It's just the right decision for our particular organization right now," said Farrell. "It's not meant to make a broad statement. It's only about us. The Red Sox."

Farrell made his decision in light of the perception in recent seasons that Boston's players have been resting on their laurels instead of working to improve and win. Many showed up for only portions of fielding drills and batting practice, or stayed at home entirely and insisted they practiced there. Others, including former starter Josh Beckett, repeatedly requested to pitch in games from home or while on the golf course or while at a restaurant or bar.

"Things just go too relaxed around here," said Farrell. "I think we can improve if we all get on the same page for a little while and at least show up at the same field together and work side by side. If the players show they can be responsible and we do what we need to do, I will consider loosening the policy."

Former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine has been very busy since getting fired by Boston at the end of the 2012 season. Without a job for the past four months, Valentine — who claims to have invented the wrap sandwich — says he has been spending his free time in his sandwich lab and has produced amazing results.

"I have 17 — that's right: 17 — new sandwich ingredient delivery systems that are going to absolutely blow people away," says the former manager. "Traditional sandwich bread and even my famed wrap are going to look like foods from the prehistoric age."

Valentine says he won't reveal his sandwich inventions until a planned event on March 30th at his eponymous restaurant in Stamford, Conn. But he was willing to give some hints.

"Cracker sticks infused with condiments. A baked and hollow dough ball. Powdered wheat. Crust forts. Naan-o bites. These are just a few of the many things that will soon become staples of every deli and restaurant in the world," he said. "I am still putting some finishing touches on everything in my lab, but lunch will forever change come March 30th."

Major League Baseball received yet another shock last night after likeable Boston Red Sox utility man Nick Punto tested negative for testosterone, leaving fans and analysts in a state of disbelief.

"It's odd. It's something I've never seen in my 26 years of drug testing," said an anonymous source linked with MLB's Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program. "I didn't even know it was humanly possible. I mean, everyone's got testosterone. Even small animals have testosterone. Turtles. Baby turtles have more testosterone than Nick Punto. Baffling, really."

League officials have tried cracking down on banned substances in recent years, with Punto's case being the most recent. His case may also be the most unusual though, bringing up a whole new set of questions regarding testosterone and leveling of the playing field.

"Do we suspend him? Do we give him a warning? Do we… give him some? It's all up in the air. Right now, we're discussing which options are in the best interest of Major League Baseball," said the anonymous source. "Supplying him with a corked bat isn't outside the realm of possibilities. We just want a fair game out there."