His city is awesomely crude.
"We received word today that while the nation continues to support the people of Boston, sports fans will begin hating the Red Sox again very soon," said a Red Sox front office source. "While I wish that wasn't the case, I completely understand it. I mean, I supported New York after 9/11 and felt great compassion and heartbreak for everyone there, but I still loved it when they lost the 2001 World Series. The people of New York and what New York City represents is not the same as the Yankees baseball team. Screw the Yankees, right?"
Had the chase for the remaining suspect stretched on for several more days, Boston's teams would likely have received near-unanimous support well into next week, but Friday night's speedy resolution means that support will dissipate over the weekend.
"It's not surprising, especially with the playoffs starting," said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "Right or wrong, people move on. Although the one thing we might have going for us is that we're playing the Knicks. A lot of fans hate them, too. We might be the least disagreeable option. At least for a series."
Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he has learned the Patriots were never viewed in a sympathetic light.
"Unlike the other three teams, we are not in season," said Kraft. "So no one ever felt the need to stop hating us. We remain universally loathed outside of New England. It's been business as usual around here."
"It's just the right decision for our particular organization right now," said Farrell. "It's not meant to make a broad statement. It's only about us. The Red Sox."
Farrell made his decision in light of the perception in recent seasons that Boston's players have been resting on their laurels instead of working to improve and win. Many showed up for only portions of fielding drills and batting practice, or stayed at home entirely and insisted they practiced there. Others, including former starter Josh Beckett, repeatedly requested to pitch in games from home or while on the golf course or while at a restaurant or bar.
"Things just go too relaxed around here," said Farrell. "I think we can improve if we all get on the same page for a little while and at least show up at the same field together and work side by side. If the players show they can be responsible and we do what we need to do, I will consider loosening the policy."
"I have 17 that's right: 17 new sandwich ingredient delivery systems that are going to absolutely blow people away," says the former manager. "Traditional sandwich bread and even my famed wrap are going to look like foods from the prehistoric age."
Valentine says he won't reveal his sandwich inventions until a planned event on March 30th at his eponymous restaurant in Stamford, Conn. But he was willing to give some hints.
"Cracker sticks infused with condiments. A baked and hollow dough ball. Powdered wheat. Crust forts. Naan-o bites. These are just a few of the many things that will soon become staples of every deli and restaurant in the world," he said. "I am still putting some finishing touches on everything in my lab, but lunch will forever change come March 30th."
He has dance hits.
Who ah the fackin' Dahwjuhs?
"It's odd. It's something I've never seen in my 26 years of drug testing," said an anonymous source linked with MLB's Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program. "I didn't even know it was humanly possible. I mean, everyone's got testosterone. Even small animals have testosterone. Turtles. Baby turtles have more testosterone than Nick Punto. Baffling, really."
League officials have tried cracking down on banned substances in recent years, with Punto's case being the most recent. His case may also be the most unusual though, bringing up a whole new set of questions regarding testosterone and leveling of the playing field.
"Do we suspend him? Do we give him a warning? Do we give him some? It's all up in the air. Right now, we're discussing which options are in the best interest of Major League Baseball," said the anonymous source. "Supplying him with a corked bat isn't outside the realm of possibilities. We just want a fair game out there."
July 26, 2012 2:00 p.m. The Palace Hotel in New York City
- John Henry
Okay, you guys requested this meeting to vent some frustrations with Bobby Valentine. Let's hear it.
- Larry Lucchino
First, just one thing we should mention as men of means, we enjoy fine wines. And it just so happens that me and John had several bottles of a '61 Bordeaux the day we decided to hire Bobby. So, yeah. Our apologies if we messed up. Lesson learned. We won't make future hires while drunk.
- John Henry
Right. I'm with him on that. Now let's hear what you have to say. Adrian, you texted me to schedule this. You start.
- Adrian Gonzalez
Okay. Yeah, I mainly hate everything about Bobby his personality, his style of managing, and especially his stupid face. I don't know a better way to put it.
- Larry Lucchino
Got it. I can't really disagree with anything you said. Let's keep it going around the table. Jon?
- Jon Lester
I hate Bobby because he kept me in too long when I didn't have my best stuff and I got lit up.
- John Henry
Are you talking about that April game when you gave up seven runs in two innings?
- Jon Lester
No, not that one.
Picture Red Sox Virgin
It's because she's the kind of girl you want to take home to mom.
"Boooooo! How dare you bring up the man we wanted to get rid of more than anything!"