News NBA Requests That All Insults of Carmelo Anthony's Wife be Submitted in Writing Prior to Tip-Off
"I get that opponents want to say horrible things about Carmelo's wife," said Stern. "They have made that abundantly clear. Insulting LaLa has become part of the fabric of this great game. I just request that it be taken care of before the game begins, so we don't have any incidents in the final minutes or postgame when players should be focusing more on basketball and not quite as much on good zingers about Mrs. Anthony."
The Boston Celtics expressed disappointment in Stern's mandate.
"I'll be honest: I know I have almost no shot of winning another ring with the Celtics," said Kevin Garnett. "The only reason I'm still playing is to say stuff to Carmelo about LaLa during games."
Yet minutes after Stern's announcement, the Celtics submitted 78 pages of cruel jokes about Carmelo's wife.
"We have a lot of material," said Celtics guard Jordan Crawford. "We would have sent more, but our printer ran out of ink."
News American Sports Fans to Resume Hating Boston Teams in 36 Hours
"We received word today that while the nation continues to support the people of Boston, sports fans will begin hating the Red Sox again very soon," said a Red Sox front office source. "While I wish that wasn't the case, I completely understand it. I mean, I supported New York after 9/11 and felt great compassion and heartbreak for everyone there, but I still loved it when they lost the 2001 World Series. The people of New York and what New York City represents is not the same as the Yankees baseball team. Screw the Yankees, right?"
Had the chase for the remaining suspect stretched on for several more days, Boston's teams would likely have received near-unanimous support well into next week, but Friday night's speedy resolution means that support will dissipate over the weekend.
"It's not surprising, especially with the playoffs starting," said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "Right or wrong, people move on. Although the one thing we might have going for us is that we're playing the Knicks. A lot of fans hate them, too. We might be the least disagreeable option. At least for a series."
Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he has learned the Patriots were never viewed in a sympathetic light.
"Unlike the other three teams, we are not in season," said Kraft. "So no one ever felt the need to stop hating us. We remain universally loathed outside of New England. It's been business as usual around here."
Picture Celtics Fan is Not a LeBron Fan
He probably bought that at a classy clothing store like Brooks Brothers.
Video George Stephanopoulos Thinks Morgan Freeman or Bill Russell Attended Obama's Inauguration
Morgan Freeman's greatest role was winning all those championships as Bill Russell.
Opinion Kevin Garnett's 10 Sexiest Breakfast Cereals
#10 – Rice Krispies
Hearing Rice Kripsies snap, crackle and pop in a bowl of milk is nice. But you haven't really heard them snap, crackle and pop until you've heard them do it in the juices of lovemaking.
#9 – Kashi
Ever eat Kashi? That shit's nasty. Yeah, nasty. I like it nasty.
#8 – Puffed Rice
It doesn't matter how much Puffed Rice you have, it's not enough. It doesn't satiate your hunger. You just want more. Puffed Rice is doin' it. Get it? Yeah. Sex and Puffed Rice are two things I always want more of.
#7 – Trix
Trix are for kids? Hell, no. Not the way I use them. Trix are very adult.
Video Paul Pierce is Very Old and Prone to Broken Ankles
He should consider getting some ankle braces.
Video Jameer Nelson Gruesomely Breaks Paul Pierce's Ankles
That should almost be a new term. He compound fractured his ankles.
Video Kevin Garnett Snubs Ray Allen, Remains a Terrible Person
He's the meanest old man in his neighborhood.
