Filed Under » Bill O'Brien

Bill O'Brien coached Penn State to a 24-14 loss in his first game as the Nittany Lions' head coach, an outstanding debut as nothing occurred that ruined any lives or made people question their faith in humanity.

"I would have liked to see us execute better in the second half," said O'Brien after Penn State fell to Ohio University. "However, in the grand scheme of things, I didn't play any role in allowing horrific crimes to occur today, nor did anyone in the athletic department — at least not to my knowledge. So, yeah, it was a good day."

Most Penn State fans felt the same way as their new coach.

"I'm overjoyed! What a game!" said Jason Scanelli, a 2008 grad. "I can't tell you how long I've waited to look at the bottom of my screen and see a Penn State score, win or loss, and not a breaking news scroll that made me nauseous. I'll take constant losing as long as none of that other stuff ever happens again."

Penn State head coach Bill O'Brien says he plans to show up at the first day of New England Patriots training camp on July 26th in hopes he can have his old job back.

"Obviously, my current situation has become the worst football job in the country at any level," said O'Brien. "I'm hoping that if I just show up at the first Patriots practice, they'll forget I ever left. I mean, technically, I haven't missed anything."

O'Brien's Penn State program was leveled with NCAA sanctions Monday, six months after taking the job in wake of Joe Paterno's firing.

"I think I kind of naively listened to Penn State's leadership when I took the job, believing that nothing much had happened," said O'Brien. "I never expected anything like this. I'm only 42 years old. I'm a young coach. I don't want to throw my whole career away because I stupidly accepted this job."

O'Brien made his statements wearing a Patriots logo t-shirt and shorts he pulled out of the bottom of his drawer.

New Penn State head coach Bill O'Brien reassured the Nittany Lion fan base today that he will do his best to keep in place what the late Joe Paterno built at the university.

"I can't be Joe Paterno. There was only one Joe," said O'Brien. "But I will do all I can to honor him and I can't tell you how proud I would be to die here in State College 43 years from now of complications from lung cancer. But, again, I'm not Joe. Maybe I'll die sooner."

O'Brien's wife stepped forward then to say that there are possibly other ways her husband could honor Paterno and that she hopes he doesn't die soon and maybe even outlives the legendary Penn State coach, but O'Brien cut her off. "No, honey. You don't know what you're saying. I'm a Penn Stater now."

Former Penn State players who were unhappy with Paterno's dismissal and the hiring of O'Brien say they felt the new coach struck the right chord with his comments.

"It's exactly what I wanted to hear," former Penn State running back Franco Harris said. "Bill O'Brien plans to die."

Penn State has hired a new football coach, ending a nationwide search for someone who is totally not, to the best of their knowledge, a pedophile.

"It was important to us that we got this right," said Penn State president Rodney Erickson. "There was intense pressure on us to not hire a disgusting human being, as was there a desire internally to do the same. We are confident our new coach is not a psychopath or pervert in any way."

Longtime head coach Joe Paterno was fired in November in the wake of child sexual abuse charges against his former defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. The University has been scrambling since then to repair its image and assure fans and the local community that it will try its best to not employ, associate itself closely with, or cover for pedophiles.

A Penn State search committee has been pouring over candidates for weeks and is satisfied the new coach is not loathsome to his very core.

"We don't have another Jerry Sandusky here. I am fairly confident saying that," said acting athletic director David Joyner. "We asked this guy almost every possible way if he was a pervert or if he was attracted to kids. He said no every time. Not once did he pause or clarify his answer or make anyone retch like Sandusky did during his Costas interview. It gave us a good feeling."