Filed Under » Bill Belichick

“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”

And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.

“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”

After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.

“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I'd risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”

With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.

“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I'm going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren't even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”

Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.

"If anyone speaks of this, you're cut and I'll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job," he said, laughing uproariously. "Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots."

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick called his star quarterback this morning to urge him to abort his child with model Gisele Bundchen for financial reasons.

“Decisions like these have to be made with your heart, not your head,” Belichick told Tom Brady. “I know. I have experience with this kind of thing. You can’t always make the popular decision. A kid costs way above its true value – they contribute almost nothing for several years – and are not worth a long-term investment. I see children as sort of Troy Brown in even tinier forms.”

Brady said he values his head coach’s opinion and guidance in all areas, and will take his latest advice under serious consideration.

“Bill has gotten rid of some players I really liked during my time with the Patriots,” said Brady. “A lot of the moves I didn’t initially agree with, but they turned out to be the right decisions in the end. That’s how this would probably be. I’d like to have a child and meet it and help raise it, but that’s an emotional viewpoint, not a rational one. Now I just need to get Gisele to agree to an abortion. And I really hope she does, because if she says no, Bill will think I’m controlled by a woman and will think less of me.”

Belichick stressed to his quarterback that his own experience with children makes his suggestion to abort one to be listened to.

“Are kids nice to have around sometimes? Sure,” said Belichick. “But what is life about – success, or superficial happiness? I’d love to have a fun locker room and a fun home, but it means nothing if you’re not winning.”

And while Belichick says he mostly has Brady’s well-being in mind, he admits he wants the child aborted for selfish reasons, too.

“I’ve seen a lot of careers go in the crapper when people have kids,” said Belichick. “And if Brady starts playing like poorly, that reflects on me and I won’t put up with that. If he has this kid, the next thing I know he’ll be coming to practice with pictures to show and interrupting drills to talk about how his stupid little kid can roll over now or something. I hate listening to that sh-t. It makes me want to puke.”

But no matter what happens, Brady says his coach will support him.

“He told me to abort it, yes,” said Brady. “But he was also happy to hear I had gotten another woman pregnant. He said that he long had a hunch that I was a ‘homo’ – to use his words – because of the way I dress and that he’d ‘rather not have one of those kind on his team.’”