"Maybe, you know, I could torture them," said Belichick, sounding hopeful on the phone. "Nothing major. Just some waterboarding, maybe stabbing them with hot pokers, some light limb severing. For about a week. What do you say?"
"Well, I appreciate you wanting to get involved to help out," said Goodell. "But I don't think our situation with the refs really rises to the level of torture, you know?"
"So this is like you not being able to tell me to torture them until they accept your offer to protect you legally, but you still want me to do it, right?" replied Belichick.
"No. That is completely wrong," said Goodell. "I am saying 100-percent don't do it."
"Got it. Clear as day. You want me to torture them," Belichick added, hanging up but not before a scream was heard in the background.
Rex Ryan is no longer the weird AFC East coach.
Belichick would follow no one on Twitter.
Picture Bill Belichick As A Boy
Why hasn't he changed at all? Oh, right. Because he's evil.
"I am obviously a competitor, so you want to start every game," said Tom Brady. "But everyone knows that Bill is in charge around here so I just have to go along with the plan."
The Patriots don't have a third quarterback so Brady and Hoyer will need to quarterback complete games.
"The Super Bowl, if we make it that far, would give Tom an extra week of rest to get ready and I want my top guy starting that game," said Belichick. "It would also let Brian recover, too, so if we need to bring him in late like the Giants did with Tim Lincecum in the World Series, we have that option."
"I appreciate Bill's confidence in me," said Hoyer, 25, who has thrown only 42 passes in his two-year career. "But, umm I don't know if this is such a good idea. I feel very unprepared. I just don't see how I could win the AFC Championship Game."
The New England Patriots sent a strong message to the rest of the NFL Monday night, scoring just 17 points in a 21-point blowout loss the Saints that saw them pull their starters with 5:26 remaining in the game.
"I don't know why they would do that," said Saints head coach Sean Payton. "Leaving our receivers wide open time after time after time, pulling their starters. People expected a great game, and then they come out and do that. I found it disrespectful. Disrespectful to us and the NFL. No team should perform that way on a football field."
Saints safety Darren Sharper echoed his head coach's sentiments.
"Our defense is much better than it's been in recent years, but still only 17 points?" said Sharper. "And they only went for one on their two touchdowns. As much as people are pinning the blame on Belichick, I think it's on Tom Brady. Did you see his two interceptions? Terrible. Just terrible."
Belichick said it's simple why the Patriots didn't go for two following their touchdowns.
"I was pretty sure we wouldn't be successful. The Saints are a far superior team to us and I was just happy to take the one point and be on our way," he said.
But Saints wide receiver Devery Henderson wasn't buying it.
"Of course that's how Belichick will describe it. But then he's a liar," said Henderson. "They were running down the score on us and they know it. Did you see how wide open I was all night? No team does that unless it's on purpose. It's impossible to leave someone that wide open unless you're trying to. If we meet this team again in the Super Bowl, we won't let this happen a second time, mark my words."
Belichick says that is unlikely and continued with his denials of intentionally running down the score on the Saints.
"I don't see us meeting the Saints in the Super Bowl," he said. "Really. Because we're not a very good football team. At all. You saw how we played. No way we make the Super Bowl. We won't even get close."
Fourth quarter. 2:25 remaining. Yale with the ball and up by three points against their rival, Harvard, who they've lost six of seven to. Fourth-and-22. Yale on their own 26.
And FAKE PUNT!
Failed fake punt. The Yale ball carrier was tackled at the 40, just eight yards short of the first down. Harvard gets the ball and wins the game three plays later on a touchdown.
But don't criticize Yale head coach Tom Williams just yet. You see, using Belichickian logic, you couldn't risk giving the ball back to Harvard, because their offense was really rolling in that they had put up really? Just seven points to that point in the game?
''The whole idea was to keep our foot on the pedal, and not play scared,'' said Williams, trying to explain the call. ''If anyone is looking for somebody to blame, blame this guy right here.''
Okay. We will. Not a problem there.
I'm guessing Yale was Williams' safety position after he couldn't get the head job at Harvard.