Filed Under » Bill Belichick

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick set his starting rotation for the NFL playoffs today, announcing that MVP candidate Tom Brady will get the ball for Games 1 and 3, while No. 2 Brian Hoyer will start Game 2, or the AFC Championship Game.

“I am obviously a competitor, so you want to start every game,” said Tom Brady. “But everyone knows that Bill is in charge around here so I just have to go along with the plan.”

The Patriots don’t have a third quarterback so Brady and Hoyer will need to quarterback complete games.

“The Super Bowl, if we make it that far, would give Tom an extra week of rest to get ready and I want my top guy starting that game,” said Belichick. “It would also let Brian recover, too, so if we need to bring him in late like the Giants did with Tim Lincecum in the World Series, we have that option.”

“I appreciate Bill’s confidence in me,” said Hoyer, 25, who has thrown only 42 passes in his two-year career. “But, umm … I don’t know if this is such a good idea. I feel very unprepared. I just don’t see how I could win the AFC Championship Game.”

The New England Patriots sent a strong message to the rest of the NFL Monday night, scoring just 17 points in a 21-point blowout loss the Saints that saw them pull their starters with 5:26 remaining in the game.

“I don’t know why they would do that,” said Saints head coach Sean Payton. “Leaving our receivers wide open time after time after time, pulling their starters. People expected a great game, and then they come out and do that. I found it disrespectful. Disrespectful to us and the NFL. No team should perform that way on a football field.”

Saints safety Darren Sharper echoed his head coach’s sentiments.

“Our defense is much better than it’s been in recent years, but still — only 17 points?” said Sharper. “And they only went for one on their two touchdowns. As much as people are pinning the blame on Belichick, I think it’s on Tom Brady. Did you see his two interceptions? Terrible. Just terrible.”

Belichick said it’s simple why the Patriots didn’t go for two following their touchdowns.

“I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be successful. The Saints are a far superior team to us and I was just happy to take the one point and be on our way,” he said.

But Saints wide receiver Devery Henderson wasn’t buying it.

“Of course that’s how Belichick will describe it. But then he’s a liar,” said Henderson. “They were running down the score on us and they know it. Did you see how wide open I was all night? No team does that unless it’s on purpose. It’s impossible to leave someone that wide open unless you’re trying to. If we meet this team again in the Super Bowl, we won’t let this happen a second time, mark my words.”

Belichick says that is unlikely — and continued with his denials of intentionally running down the score on the Saints.

“I don’t see us meeting the Saints in the Super Bowl,” he said. “Really. Because we’re not a very good football team. At all. You saw how we played. No way we make the Super Bowl. We won’t even get close.”

Fourth quarter. 2:25 remaining. Yale with the ball and up by three points against their rival, Harvard, who they’ve lost six of seven to. Fourth-and-22. Yale on their own 26.

And … FAKE PUNT!

Failed fake punt. The Yale ball carrier was tackled at the 40, just eight yards short of the first down. Harvard gets the ball and wins the game three plays later on a touchdown.

But don’t criticize Yale head coach Tom Williams just yet. You see, using Belichickian logic, you couldn’t risk giving the ball back to Harvard, because their offense was really rolling in that they had put up … really? Just seven points to that point in the game?

Wow.

‘‘The whole idea was to keep our foot on the pedal, and not play scared,’‘ said Williams, trying to explain the call. ‘‘If anyone is looking for somebody to blame, blame this guy right here.’‘

Okay. We will. Not a problem there.

I’m guessing Yale was Williams’ safety position after he couldn’t get the head job at Harvard.

“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”

And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.

“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”

After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.

“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I’d risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”

With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.

“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I’m going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren’t even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”

Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.

“If anyone speaks of this, you’re cut and I’ll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job,” he said, laughing uproariously. “Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots.”