"Boooooo! How dare you bring up the man we wanted to get rid of more than anything!"
At a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon at the White House, President Barack Obama announced San Francisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum will head up a brand new executive branch of the federal government: The Department of White Sox Pitching.
“Tim brings great leadership qualities to this important post,” said the president. “Primarily his mid-90s fastball and his devastating curve.”
The president says he realized the need to federalize the White Sox pitching staff after seeing them implode this weekend against the Yankees.
“At this important point in the season, with so much to lose, I can’t sit by and let the White Sox fall completely out of the playoff race,” Obama said. “It is in the best interests of the nation that we have a competitive final month of the season.”
Lincecum will leave his job with the Giants and begin pitching with the White Sox immediately.
“It was a tough decision. I wanted to win with the Giants,” said the reigning NL Cy Young award winner. “But the president insisted I would be providing a great service –- and if not to the nation, then to him.”
The creation of the new executive branch that will support White Sox pitching has been met with great opposition by Republicans –- as well as from some Democrats who are Cubs, Tigers, and Giants fans. But sources within the White House say that even if Lincecum is stripped of his powers, such a move wouldn’t come until well after October, which would be long past the department's policies would make their desired impact.
“Now that Secretary Lincecum is in place, I look forward to him filling his staff with some great public servants,” said the president. “I have developed a list of potential candidates that includes Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Zach Greinke and others.”