The fan, Ricky Joe Stutman, age 36, has been a regular attendee at Auburn sporting events since the mid-1980s. He is noted for his large, 5-foot-9, 423-pound frame. He also frequently has toilet paper stuck to him when he comes out of the bathroom.
The poisoning of Stutman first became an issue in late January when he called into the Paul Finebaum radio show while also ordering several bacon cheeseburgers in the Wendy's drive-thru line. Concerned Auburn officials later tested Stutman at the campus health center and found that his blood pressure and cholesterol were extremely elevated and that he could "have a heart attack at, like, any moment."
This looks best with a pair of jean shorts.
"I am so proud of our state's football teams and overjoyed at their success," said Alabama Governor Bob Riley. "It really takes the pressure off of me, too. This will keep the citizens happy for a while and maybe in that time I can create one thing that makes this state livable other than college football."
Well played, Oregon fan. And well played, Kinkos.
"This is a great program. A supportive program," said Newton. "Other schools have Secret Santa's, but the thing that's great about ours is that it is year-round. In fact, I've been getting gifts since the day I enrolled here."
Most of the cash, goods, electronics and services Newton has been given have had no Christmas markings at all.
"Clearly my Secret Santa is just trying to keep me in the dark about who he is," said Newton. "That's why he changes things up like that. In fact, sometimes he'll just have a booster or alum hand me an envelope of cash to throw me off the scent even more."
He's the greatest comedian from the South since Jeff Foxworthy.
I wonder if they sell this at the Auburn bookstore. (via EDSBS)