Filed Under » Auburn Tigers

A lifelong Auburn Tigers fan reportedly has just months to live due to what could only be considered intentional poisoning via years of ingesting cheap and unhealthy fast food, which is full of known toxins.

The fan, Ricky Joe Stutman, age 36, has been a regular attendee at Auburn sporting events since the mid-1980s. He is noted for his large, 5-foot-9, 423-pound frame. He also frequently has toilet paper stuck to him when he comes out of the bathroom.

The poisoning of Stutman first became an issue in late January when he called into the Paul Finebaum radio show while also ordering several bacon cheeseburgers in the Wendy's drive-thru line. Concerned Auburn officials later tested Stutman at the campus health center and found that his blood pressure and cholesterol were extremely elevated and that he could "have a heart attack at, like, any moment."

Thanks to back-to-back national championships from the two premier college football programs in the state — Alabama and Auburn — the citizens of the state of Alabama are feeling quite pleased with their position in the world, despite the fact that — football aside — they essentially live in a third world country.

"I am so proud of our state's football teams and overjoyed at their success," said Alabama Governor Bob Riley. "It really takes the pressure off of me, too. This will keep the citizens happy for a while and maybe in that time I can create one thing that makes this state livable other than college football."

Auburn quarterback Cam Newton found another bag of cash in his locker today after practice, just the latest awesome gift he has received via the Auburn football Secret Santa gift exchange.

"This is a great program. A supportive program," said Newton. "Other schools have Secret Santa's, but the thing that's great about ours is that it is year-round. In fact, I've been getting gifts since the day I enrolled here."

Most of the cash, goods, electronics and services Newton has been given have had no Christmas markings at all.

"Clearly my Secret Santa is just trying to keep me in the dark about who he is," said Newton. "That's why he changes things up like that. In fact, sometimes he'll just have a booster or alum hand me an envelope of cash to throw me off the scent even more."