Filed Under » Arkansas Razorbacks

With Bobby Petrino now dismissed as head coach at Arkansas, the Razorbacks are without a head football coach for the second time in less than five years — which each vacancy coming under a cloud of sexually impropriety.

"I vow to Razorback Nation that this program will never be in this situation again," said athletic director Jeff Long. "I will make it my top priority in finding a new person to lead this program that he not have any testicles."

Long said on-the-field success can no longer dictate Arkansas' personnel moves.

"I'd love to bring in some Xs and Os genius who is a great recruiter and has perfect character," he said. "But those are hard to find. Especially when you're looking for a full-on eunuch with zero sexual urges. Put that filter on and it really limits the pool."

Arkansas' search committee so far has narrowed in on three ball-less candidates. Former Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel was also initially considered, until reports that he "had no balls" were found to be about his playcalling, not an actual physical description.

The Atlanta Falcons today announced that they will retire the stretch of cement and gravel that nearly tore off the face of Arkansas Razorbacks head coach Bobby Petrino last week.

"It was my goal when I purchased the Falcons 10 years ago to bring this franchise its first Super Bowl title," said Falcons owner Arthur Blank. "Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet. But last Sunday, when Bobby Petrino's helmetless head slid along the pavement at a high speed, I think I can speak for all Falcons fans in saying that it was almost as great as a Super Bowl title, if not even greater."

Falcons staff members have already gone to the stretch of road in rural Arkansas where Petrino crashed with a young, female staffer riding with him, and dug up the patch where the Razorbacks coach slid to a stop.

"The awesome thing is that you can see some of Bobby's blood still on the rocks," said Blank. "I think our fans are really going to love it."