Filed Under » Arizona Cardinals

According to a Cardinals source, backup quarterback Matt Leinart will announce on Friday that he plans to enter rehab. The announcement will come a few minutes after starting quarterback Kurt Warner announces his retirement.

"Oh, what? Seriously, bro? The old man's quitting?" said a noticeably groggy Leinart on the phone today, picking up after fifteen rings. "Do you know if they want me to play? Sh!t. I was not expecting this. I have no idea where my football is."

If Warner does retire, as expected, the starting job would likely fall to Leinart — the team's first round pick in 2006. But that's only if he can quickly change his lifestyle around and focus on football.

"We need to get him into rehab immediately," said the source, not specifying what kind of rehab. "A little bit of everything. Booze, weed, sex, having stupid friends. You name it. He basically needs to go to a de-douchebagification camp for a while. And then when he comes back, we'll see if there's a quarterback left there."

Leinart says he is motivated to do whatever needs to be done.

"I don't like being a punchline. I want to have success in the NFL," he said. "And starters get way hotter girls. I just need to have one good game to prove everyone wrong and then I can go back to living it up Matty Leinart style. You think coach will let my boy Nick Lachey play receiver? We have sweet chemistry."