"Dadgummit, Peyton! When will you learn?" Archie yelled, after his middle son set up the Ravens to win the game with an awful interception in Denver territory. "Eli! Get over here, boy!"
Archie then plucked Eli off the couch, where he had been coloring in a Transformers coloring book, and began spanking his bottom. By the time Ravens kicker Justin Tucker's game-winning kick sailed through the uprights, little Eli was left crying in the corner of the room his mother, Olivia, trying to soothe him with an offer of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Archie has always loved Peyton the most, everyone knows that," said Olivia. "Peyton is the most talented and Archie had the highest hopes for him. So he gets angry when Peyton fails. And he can't seem to stop from taking out that frustration on poor, little, innocent Eli."
The Manning Family patriarch said he wishes he hadn't spanked Eli.
"Peyton just tries so dang hard and can't seem to win anything unless Rex Grossman is facing him," said Archie. "And then you see Eli there with two Super Bowl rings. Eli, who is slow-witted and doesn't even like football. Eli, who would rather spend his days coloring and looking for butterflies than playing football. Eli, who has basically had only two good months in his whole career. Two Super Bowl rings. It just it just makes me so angry. I'm sorry, but I have to go spank him again."
Opinion A Very Manning Family Christmas
Gee, thanks for my Sponge Bob knapsack, Santa!
Okay, kid gift time is over. What did you get me?
(Peyton and Eli pick up a big box from under the tree and place it at their father's feet.)
Wow! It's huge!
I chipped in for the paper and the bow.
Who are you again?
Cooper. Your oldest.
My oldest what? Failure?
Shut up, failure.
(Archie excitedly tears into the package and opens up the top of box. He pulls out a sweater.)
What the? What is this? A fking sweater?
Yeah, dad. We thought it would look good on you. You know, for TV. I got it at the best men's clothier in all of Indianapolis!
Indianapo-? let me tell you little turds something. I don't even like football, okay? I played it for you. I went to college for you. I toiled for years for that piece of crap Saints franchise for you. I learned all about the game for you. So one day I could raise two sons, teach them everything about the game, and they could go on to become the two highest-paid players in the NFL. Why? So they would be super rich and I could get some kickass Christmas gifts.
Umm three sons, dad.
Shut up, Cooper. Your ashamed father is talking.
If you have seen any coverage leading up to Super Bowl XLIV between the Colts and the Saints, you may have noticed that former Saints quarterback Archie Manning father of Colts' star Peyton has apparently become an NFL legend. One of the greats.
It doesn't matter what you watch, you'll hear that Archie is the former "star quarterback of the New Orleans Saints." Interesting. Because he was terrible in the NFL. A complete disaster. Yet 25 years after his NFL career ended HE'S SUDDENLY A LEGEND!
How did this happen? Take heart, fellow lousy NFLers! You, too, can one day re-write history and become a star. Just follow Archie's Five Steps to Becoming an NFL Legend!
STEP 1: Have a great college career
Having a great college career lays the groundwork. Your supporters will say that because you were great in college, you are, therefore, great wherever you go after that. You may ask: How is this possible? I am past this stage. I am already in the NFL! Exactly. You wouldn’t have made it to the NFL without having a great collegiate career. Congratulations! You already completed step one. Everyone in the NFL is Archie Manning.
STEP 2: Suck, but for a bad team
The hardest part of being seen as a great NFL player is being great in the NFL. It’s quite difficult. It’s much easier to blow. Really, really blow. Like Archie Manning-in-the-NFL blow. The kind of blowing that produces, in 14 seasons, 125 touchdowns, 173 interceptions, a 55.2 completion percentage and a career quarterback rating of 67.1.
Due to playing like this, your team will suck. But let everyone think that you are incapable of succeeding ONLY because you are surrounded by such poor talent. See the subtle difference there? Yes, Archie Manning led 12 years worth of terrible Saints teams. But it’s only because he never had any good players in all those years. He was the victim! His obvious greatness was thwarted by those around him!Makes sense, right?! But wouldn't a truly great player at some point have led his inferior teammates to better things? Ridiculous! You're ruining the narrative.
STEP 3: Have your wife squeeze out a few quarterbacks
They will be your legacy. Use the time other players –- good players spend in the playoffs to lay some pipe.
STEP 4: Become part of the media
Everyone knows the media will never criticize one of their own. They just think it’s cool to hang out with someone who actually played football. To them, you’re one of the greatest NFL players who ever lived because you know their name!
STEP 5: Get your kids to the NFL
Mentor, mentor, mentor. Try to coach out of them all the many natural failings you passed on through your genes. Only one of them needs to have real success. The other one can be a mediocre dim-wit who luckily stuck a football to a guy's helmet while he was running away from a tackler in terror. By having a kid or two in the NFL, your dumbest and laziest of media members and fans will just assume the patriarch of such a family MUST have been awesome himself!
Congratulations! You’ve done it! By completing these five steps, you have miraculously transformed your failed NFL career into that of a legend! At least in the mind of the sports media and general public.
Someone forward this on to JaMarcus Russell. You can DO this, big fella!