Filed Under » Alex Rodriguez

The Cardinals-Rangers World Series ended in an odd, yet unsurprising way Friday night, as New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez struck out for the third and final out in the top of the 9th inning.

“There were two outs and it was David Murphy’s spot in the lineup, but I looked up and there was A-Rod, in his full Yankees uniform, dug in and the first pitch was on the way,” said Rangers manager Ron Washington. “Before I could say anything, he had taken it for a strike. By then it was too late.”

Rodriguez took the next pitch inside for a ball. He then swung and missed badly on the third offering, a slider, from St. Louis closer Jason Motte. The fourth pitch, a fastball on the outside corner, was called strike three as Rodriguez stood there with his bat on his shoulder.

“I happened to be in the area and it just felt natural for me to be up as the potential final out of a series,” said Rodriguez. “So when they got two outs, I stepped in there. My hope is that the more experience I get in these situations, the less I’ll strike out. It wasn’t meant to be tonight, though.”

Thanks to Alex Rodriguez’s .133 batting average through four games of the ALCS, a performance that has helped the Texas Rangers take a three-games-to-one lead in the series, the Rangers are working with the third baseman on a lucrative contract extension that would keep him on their payroll through the end of his career.

“We have a young and talented team — one we expect to be in playoff contention for several more years,” said Rangers team president Nolan Ryan. “And the Yankees are a perennial playoff team that we will likely face again. So it makes sense to keep Alex Rodriguez on our side.”

Rodriguez broke through last year with a great postseason performance as the Yankees won the World Series, but Ryan is happy to see he remembers who is paying his salary.

“People criticize Alex a lot,” said Ryan. “But this series he has showed he is a man of honor and integrity. For the amount of money we’re paying him, it’s only right that he’s doing absolutely nothing to help the Yankees beat us. He’s a good man.”

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez showed up today for the first day of baseball since the All-Star break sporting a snappy new outfit he admitted he hoped would catch the eye of the rest of the players on the team.

“Hey, we haven’t seen each other in a while and I wanted to make a good impression and show them that I became even more stylish and sophisticated over the break,” he said. “I think it worked. I think they realized there’s a new Alex.”

But Rodriguez wasn’t the only Yankees player to report with a new look. Derek Jeter had an expensive new outfit, Jorge Posada showed up with a brand new bat bag and Nick Swisher was sporting a new haircut. Closer Mariano Rivera looked the most different, however, taking on a goth look.

“So much happened to me over the All-Star break,” said Rivera. “Like, you don’t even know. I don’t even know if I’m going to stay in baseball. I might quit and focus on my music.”

Yankees manager Joe Girardi says the Yankees are no different than any other baseball team.

“They’re very insecure, yet at the same time incredibly egotistical,” said Girardi. “I’d say their maturity is around that of a 10th grade boy.”

Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain showed up in a dirty, wrinkled shirt and clearly hadn’t showered in several days. He had to be sent home to change.

“Poor kid comes from a terrible background,” said Girardi. “And he doesn’t have any money. But there are standards we expect everyone on the team to meet. Basic hygiene.”

After an 0-for-4 game at the plate against the Mets on Sunday, star Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez saw his career batting average dip to .165 during games your friend Steve is watching.

“I think it’s .165. Might be a little less. It’s at least something sucky like that,” says Steve. “You know, I don’t know why people talk about A-Rod being so great. He never does dick when I see him play.”

In addition to possibly hitting around .165 in the 15 or so Yankees games Steve has seen on the YES Network or in-person over the past few years, Rodriguez only has four, maybe five home runs.

“Yeah, he’s hit a few,” says Steve. “But that’s in close to 100 plate appearances. And to my recollection, not a single one of them meant anything. They were all pointless home runs that came with a big lead or the Yankees trailing by a bunch.”

Steve admits seeing Rodriguez hit pretty well in the playoffs last year.

“But the games I saw, their pitchers grooved it right down the middle of the plate,” says Steve. “I could have hit those pitches out. My grandmother could have hit them out. A-Rod putting that one over the fence was just the exception that proves the rule, you know? I’ll start giving him some credit when he hits a walk-off at every game I see. For $25 million a year, he should be doing that. At the very least.”

Despite A-Rod’s peculiar struggles while your friend Steve is watching, Steve says he isn’t giving up on the Yankees.

“A-Rod is just lucky that Derek Jeter is hitting, like, .875 when I watch him,” says Steve. “That dude is money.”

There are two things we have learned so far in the World Series:

1) Alex Rodriguez is a centaur.

And …

2) The Phillies have no idea how to pitch to this half-man, half-beast.

Rodriguez’s 10 plate appearances in the last two games — both Yankee wins — have resulted in the following: HBP, home run, line out, HBP, walk, HBP, fly out, fly out, strike-out, game-winning double.

Clearly the Phillies need help. Lucky for them I know baseball. And I also know centaurs. So here are my:

Keys to Pitching to CentauRod

1. Exploit his massive strike zone. The strike zone in baseball is from the batter’s knees up to the letters across the front of his jersey. On a centaur, that’s about six to seven feet. Even a mythical being can’t protect an area that big at the plate.

2. Distract him. In Greek mythology, centaurs are depicted as wild creatures enslaved to their unbridled passions. CentauRod is no different. The Phillies and their fans must distract him at the plate with athletic she-males, feed bags full of steroids, and mirrors.

3. Refer to the rule book. This may seem like a cheap way to win, but you’re not the team putting a centaur in the lineup. First off, there has to be some sort of uniform violation with CentauRod. Second, weapons — such as a bow-and-arrow — are not allowed on the field during play. And, third, there’s no way CentauRod is keeping all four of his legs in the batter’s box. It’s impossible.

4. Destroy his confidence in the field. If you can mess CentauRod up on the field, he’ll lose some confidence at the plate. That’s why the Phillies need to bunt down the third base line at him over and over and over. It’s really hard for centaurs to bend down with their horse knees to pick up the ball. Of course, CentauRod may just pick the ball up with a spear. But then you just go back to the rule book violation.

5. If you’re going to hit him, hit him in the right place. CentauRod has been hit with pitches three times in the last two games. That’s not a problem. The problem is that the Phillies keep hitting him in the upper body. They need to hit him in the legs. Leg injuries are often fatal for horses. Centaurs are no different. A hard fastball just above the hoof should result in CentauRod getting slaughtered like Barbaro. Then who are the Yankees going to be stuck playing at third — Jerry Hairston, Jr.? Ha! He’s no centaur. He’s a nymph. Advantage: Phillies.