"We feel it will be far more worse for him, far more humiliating, if he has to play baseball," said a MLB source. "If you've seen A-Rod play baseball that last few years, he's pretty much blown. It's been hilarious. And now he is a year older, almost 38, and coming off an injury. Oh, yes. Forcing him to play baseball is definitely the best solution."
The pitching staffs of the Red Sox, Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays also signed a joint statement asking baseball not to suspend Rodriguez: "Baseball is a community and we think Alex should work through his issues on the field. Please don't take him away from us. Please. It's awesome pitching to him."
Picture Maryland: The Naive State
They're really going to be upset when it breaks that Cal Ripken, Jr. took roids.
"We promise New Yorkers that despite the difficulties that still remain in the city, including loss of power in our building and in the apartment and homes of our staffers, we will come through with an A-Rod headline about the hurricane," said editor-in-chief Col Allan. "We know that it would raise the spirits of this city's residents and help them get through this tough time."
Since the storm began slamming the city on Monday night, the Post has been planning to target Rodriguez.
"I was looking out of our windows on the top floor and could see the waters rising, could see the power go out and knew this was getting really bad. There was true devastation and heartache," said sports editor Chris Shaw. "That's when I knew we had to go with a really snarky A-Rod headline. So I yelled out: 'This sucks almost as much as A-Rod.' We all high-fived for a few minutes and then got to work."
"Obviously, you want to end every season with a trip to the World Series," he said. "But that only happens for two of 30 teams. As for the rest of us, we console ourselves by going eyes-deep in poon. It's not a bad consolation prize."
Rodriguez made his comments while surrounded by women in the hallway outside of the Yankee locker room.
"This is Heather. She's a dancer," said Rodriguez. "And this here is Candi. She caught my eye when I was grounding out. Check this out," Rodriguez said, and began motorboating the woman as she giggled. "They're real."
Despite the half dozen or so women he picked up during the elimination game, Rodriguez dismissed the idea that he was not focused on the action on the field.
"You want me to only focus on the field and not try to set up hook-ups with women I see in the crowd?" he said. "Fine. Next time a pop up drifts a foot or two into foul territory, I won't catch it because you want me to only focus on the field. See how dumb your argument is now? I threw that right back in your face."
After Girardi's informed Rodriguez of his decision this afternoon, telling the former slugger he "can't be counted on" and that he is "washed up" and "was probably only ever good due to the massive amounts of steroids" he took.
Enraged by his manager's treatment, Rodriguez flew into a rage, shouting back at Girardi, turning over tables and knocking a jug of water over.
"Oh, wow. Good for you. You made contact with something," said Girardi. "I didn't think I'd ever see that again."
With that barb, witnesses say, Rodriguez got in his manager's face and screamed "I QUIT! You hear me? I'M DONE! I'm never playing for the Yankees AGAIN!"
Girardi then turned to an assistant holding a camera and said: "You got that? Got it all on tape?" The assistant nodded. "Great."
"Alex," Girardi said, turning back to his now former third baseman. "By quitting you have violated your contract. We no longer owe you $114 million over the next five years. Thank god. I win. You lose. Clean out your locker. You are no longer part of this organization."
A thoroughly defeated Rodriguez then collapsed in front of his locker, sobbing, as cheers went up throughout the locker room.
"We are always open to new ways for fans to dig into baseball and evaluate and debate the talents of our players," said MLB spokesman Jeff Bourne. "And Bill James' new WAR-ROD statistic really fills a hole we had, which was quantifying exactly how awful Alex Rodriguez is in the postseason compared to everyone else."
Rodriguez is 1-for-12 with seven strikeouts so far in the postseason, setting the baseline 0.0 WAR-ROD. Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper, who is 1-for-15 with six strikeouts, has a -0.1 WAR-ROD meaning he is somehow more useless in the postseason than Rodriguez. New York's Raul Ibanez, however, has an 11.0 WAR-ROD meaning he is worth 11 more postseason wins to his team if he replaced Rodriguez every game.
"Basically I hate the Yankees and drank a bottle of wine one night and decided to come up with a sabermetric stat that shows how awful A-Rod is in the playoffs," says James. "The formula might not completely check out as I was full or merlot, but the crux is there: A-Rod blows."
"There were two outs and it was David Murphy's spot in the lineup, but I looked up and there was A-Rod, in his full Yankees uniform, dug in and the first pitch was on the way," said Rangers manager Ron Washington. "Before I could say anything, he had taken it for a strike. By then it was too late."
Rodriguez took the next pitch inside for a ball. He then swung and missed badly on the third offering, a slider, from St. Louis closer Jason Motte. The fourth pitch, a fastball on the outside corner, was called strike three as Rodriguez stood there with his bat on his shoulder.
"I happened to be in the area and it just felt natural for me to be up as the potential final out of a series," said Rodriguez. "So when they got two outs, I stepped in there. My hope is that the more experience I get in these situations, the less I'll strike out. It wasn't meant to be tonight, though."
It's real. And it's their classless masterpiece.
It must be Brian Cashman's birthday.