Filed Under » Albert Pujols

After hitting four home runs on Tuesday night, breaking the American League record for most bases in a game, Rangers leftfielder Josh Hamilton was quick to defer credit for his accomplishment.

“None of this would’ve been possible without God at my side, but I truly have to thank Albert Pujols for setting such an inspirational example,” said Hamilton in a postgame press conference. “Tonight goes out to you, Albert. We miss you.”

Leading the league with 14 long balls, Hamilton has been exacting an uncanny Pujols impression in the first month of the season. His astonishingly quick swing, delivered with brutal precision, is a ghostly reminder of Pujols’ storied career with the St. Louis Cardinals, where he established himself as the most feared hitter of his generation.

“I know he’s not with us anymore, but I can’t shake the feeling that Albert was helping me tonight,” said Hamilton. “I’d like to think his spirit lives through my bat.”

Longtime humble, hard-working, and charity-minded baseball superstar Albert Pujols is now pretty much the world’s greediest asshole, claim many in St. Louis.

“What a dick,” read a statement from the Cardinals in its entirety.

Pujols was drafted in the 13th Round of the 1999 Draft by the Cardinals and became a St. Louis fixture both on and off the field in 2001. He was known and loved in the community as much for his charity work as for his tape-measure home runs.

“F—k that guy,” said St. Louis mayor Francis Slay.

Pujols on Thursday agreed to a 10-year, $254 million with the Anaheim Angels, ending his 11-year career with the Cardinals.

“I hope his plane explodes flying out there,” said new Cardinals manager Mike Matheny.

St. Louis Cardinals superstar Albert Pujols continues to put his name among the greatest players in the sport’s history. In Game 3 of the World Series he joined another exclusive club. With base hits in consecutive at-bats, Pujols tied the record for most hits in back-to-back at-bats with two.

“You can’t say enough about Albert Pujols,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa. “Two hits in consecutive at-bats in the World Series? It’s select company. There can’t be more than 900 or so players who have done that. And when you consider there are more than 7 billion people in the world? Exclusive.”

The Elias Sports Bureau did not report the exact number of players who have had back-to-back hits in the World Series — “this is even too stupid and boring for us to research, which is a new first,” said a spokesman — but did confirm that Pujols tied the record. “Of course, dumbass,” said the Elias spokesman. “How could anyone do better?”

The standoff between the St. Louis Cardinals and star slugger Albert Pujols escalated today when the team publicly explained that it will not offer Pujols the 10-year contract he wants due to his advanced age.

“Our six-year contract offer was more than generous considering Albert is a 40 year-old man,” said Cardinals general manager John Muzeliak. “Albert has been all we could want for this team and for the community, but to be committed to paying him $25 million 10 years from now when he is 50 would be insanity.”

While Pujols’ listed age is 31, it has long been rumored that he is actually much older — a rumor Muzeliak and Cardinals management say is fact.

“We were happy to go along with the fake birth year as long as Albert wasn’t going to try to screw us with it,” said manager Tony LaRussa. “But he’s demanding a significant, long-term financial investment from the organization when he may only have one or two more good years in him, if that. Management isn’t going to lie for him and let him steal money from the team. No way. He needs to realize that. But I know people his age can be pretty stubborn.”