Filed Under » Alabama Crimson Tide

Alabama head coach Nick Saban scheduled a 6:00 a.m. celebration today for his team so they could enjoy their BCS championship before offseason workouts were to begin promptly at 6:08 a.m.

“Attendance is mandatory,” Saban informed his team at a 10:30 meeting last night to inform them of the celebration. “As is having fun and making merriment. There will be no exceptions. If you don’t celebrate, if I don’t see a goddam smile on your face, you will run.”

Saban, who has vowed to enjoy his second BCS championship at Alabama, even went as far as to allow decorations for the locker room party. A white roll of athletic tape was hung from the ceiling beside a red roll of tape and below on the floor sat a folding chair with a small bag of pretzels Saban personally purchased from the vending machine down the hall.

“Line up, men. Now, there aren’t enough pretzels for everyone,” Saban told his assembled team this morning. “So just break off a tiny piece for yourself. Then you may speak to the teammate to your immediate left at your leisure. But no laughing. I hate laughing. We’re not throwing all the rules out the window just because we won two goddam titles. Don’t push me. I won’t break, but I will break you.”

LSU and Alabama, the two best teams from America’s premier college football conference, faced off for the second time this season Monday night in the BCS title game. Over 60 minutes of action, the Tigers and Crimson Tide set the sport of football back approximately 30 years.

“I hate football now,” said President Barack Obama to Alabama head coach Nick Saban after the game on a congratulatory phone call. “Congratulations, but you may have ruined the sport for a generation.”

In more than eight quarters of play over two games, the two best teams in the country combined for one total touchdown and 10 field goals. While the games were marked by outstanding defense, they equally featured horrific quarterback play and terrible play-calling.

“By the end of the game, I even started to wish I had picked another sport,” said star Alabama running back Trent Richardson. “I hear baseball is boring? But this boring? I can’t imagine that’s possible.”