With every mathematical possibility exhausted and all the ping pong balls pulled, The United States Coast Guard wound up with the right combination, and has earned the first selection in the 2010 military draft.
The Coast Guard, sarcastically regarded in military circles as “The Clippers", have been the odds-on favorite to win the lottery every year since it was implemented. Season by season they find themselves in last place among the fived Armed Forces in the two primary statistical categories used in the military: Blowing Shit Up and Blowing People Up. They also suffered a notable defeat this year when this one Cuban guy on a raft came ashore near Miami undetected.
“We’ve haven’t always had the best luck when it comes to drafts," said Admiral Thad Allen. "But I think this is the year we turn things around. We’ve heard everything from 'Glorified Lifeguards' to 'Campus Police with Swimsuits', to of course 'The Clippers of the Military.' But that’s all going to change this year. We have our eye on a kid who we really think can be great at blowing both shit and people up.”
The Guard is expected to take Virginia high school senior Taylor Erickson with the top pick. Erickson, the son of high ranking Marines officer Robert Erickson, was hoping to follow his father to the Marines, but says he’ll go wherever he has to.
“If it’s the Coast Guard, then it’s the Coast Guard. I’m really just happy to become a part of the U.S Military and to finally get paid to blow shit up.”
Several draft experts feel Mass Maritime ROTC Candidate Robert Shay would be the safer choice for the Coast Guard, given his expressed desire to, “go somewhere close to home and to, you know, not get shot at.” But Admiral Allen has promised to take the best available candidate.
This marks the second time the Coast Guard’s had the first pick this decade. Last year, they selected Blake Griffin with the pick, but the 6’10 Griffin was picked off by enemy snipers his first day at sea and didn’t see any action for the rest of the year.