http://www.sportspickle.com May 27 Issue of SportsPickle.com en-us Copyright 2009 DJ Gallo/SportsPickle.com http://backend.userland.com/rss webmaster@sportspickle.com (Adam Reisinger) Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT All LeBron James says he was trying to do in the shower this morning was help himself relax, work through some stress and take his mind off of basketball for a minute or two. But as a superstar in the public eye - one who is promoted as being watched by the entire world - James says he is somewhat worried we may have seen him handling his Pert-lubricated penis. http://sportspickle.com/features/volume8/2009-0527-lebron.html All LeBron James says he was trying to do in the shower this morning was help himself relax, work through some stress and take his mind off of basketball for a minute or two. But as a superstar in the public eye - one who is promoted as being watched by the entire world - James says he is somewhat worried we may have seen him handling his Pert-lubricated penis. "I wanted to relax and it ended up making me more stressed out," said James. "I couldn't help but thinking everyone was watching me - my mom, my teammates, a village full of poor kids in Africa, everyone. I almost couldn't finish." After James completed his task and rinsed off, he shut off the water, grabbed a towel and cautiously asked if anyone was there. But he was met with silence. "I don't think anyone was there. I don't think anyone witnessed it," said James. "I mean, no one said anything. But what could they say? What are they going to say after seeing LeBron James whack it? They may have just been in stunned silence." Feeling guilty, James says he loudly called out: "Yeah, that wasn't what it looked like, you know. Uhh É in case anyone was watching. I was just washing really good down there. I definitely wasn't masturbating. So, are we clear? Washing not masturbating? Hello?" It was then that James' girlfriend overheard him, leading to an awkward conversation with her about who he was so loudly talking to in the bathroom about pleasuring himself. "I loved the idea behind this ad campaign when it first came out," said James. "But now it has me pretty paranoid. I feel like people are a witness to everything I do. I'd be willing to take a pay cut from Nike if they would agree to change the slogan. Or at least somehow assure me that I have privacy in the bathroom." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT Prince Fielder's teammates had long wondered why the slugger had not lost any weight since announcing himself a "vegetarian" 18 months ago. Now they know why - and wish they didn't. http://sportspickle.com/features/volume8/2009-0527-fielder.html Prince Fielder's teammates had long wondered why the slugger had not lost any weight since announcing himself a "vegetarian" 18 months ago. Now they know why - and wish they didn't. "It's É it's just too horrible to say," said Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun, who discovered the horrible truth. "Prince is É Prince is eating people. He's eating É vegetarians." Braun stopped by Fielder's house over the weekend when he was in the neighborhood and, when Fielder didn't answer the door, went around to the back of his teammate's house upon hearing screams. There he saw a sight that will haunt him forever. "There was a young couple on his back deck - and Prince was devouring them," says Braun. "It was like something you'd see on one of those nature shows." Braun hid in some bushes until the attack was over and the bodies were consumed, and then ran back around the house to his car once Fielder went inside. After pulling away, he dialed up some of his teammates to see if they had seen anything suspicious with Fielder recently. "I told Ryan I had noticed Prince hanging around a lot lately with younger people - the sandals-wearing, Prius-driving type," said outfielder Corey Hart. "I just thought maybe he was moving in a different social circle now that he's a vegetarian." Catcher Jason Kendall mentioned seeing Fielder searching online for "vegetarian white people recipes," while shortstop J.J. Hardy said that Fielder had recently complained about hair in his stool. It was then that Braun put the whole thing together. "I don't know if he is just someone who tragically misunderstood the definition of 'vegetarian' or an extremely hungry fat person," said Braun. "Or both. But I feel like I have to put a stop to this." The only problem is that Fielder is leading the first place Brewers with 10 home runs and 42 RBI. "Obviously something he is doing is working," said Hardy. "I say we just wait to the end of the season. And who are we to judge? How is eating a person stuffed with lentils, greens and rice any different than eating a chicken stuffed with the same? I've known players who took steroids and I didn't blow the whistle on them. Now I know one who's a cannibal. So what. My job is to care about what happens between the lines, not what a teammate does in his personal life." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT Some said David Ortiz couldn't do it anymore. But then Ortiz came through in the clutch one more time today for Red Sox Nation when they needed it most with a dramatic, walk-off retirement following a three-pitch strikeout. http://sportspickle.com/features/volume8/2009-0527-ortiz.html Some said David Ortiz couldn't do it anymore. But then Ortiz came through in the clutch one more time today for Red Sox Nation when they needed it most with a dramatic, walk-off retirement following a three-pitch strikeout. The former slugger - hitting .195 with 1 HR this season from the cleanup spot - was putting the Red Sox in a difficult position with his horrendous play. But then he whiffed in his first at-bat, walked back to the dugout and told his teammates he was quitting. "I've never heard the team erupt like that," said first baseman Kevin Youkilis. "He has hit walk-off home runs to win playoff games and we weren't half as excited for those as we were for this." "Whew! What a relief," said manager Terry Francona. "I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to honor his past contributions by keeping him in the lineup. It was killing us. But I should have known Papi would come through for us. He has never let us down." Ortiz's decision was quickly relayed to public address announcer who informed the Fenway crowd, which immediately rose to its feet for a curtain call. "That meant a lot to me," said Ortiz. "We have such great fans here. In some places, they boo you if you're struggling. But here, I was struggling so much, they actually gave me a standing ovation for leaving. That's special." With Ortiz gone, Francona thinks the Red Sox will start playing great baseball. "This is the kind of thing that builds momentum and becomes contagious," said Francona. "If we're lucky, Jason Varitek will be the next one to come through with a clutch retirement." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT After blowing a save against the Yankees, Phillies closer Brad Lidge felt he needed to show his teammates that he was upset about the turn of events. http://sportspickle.com/index.html After blowing a save against the Yankees, Phillies closer Brad Lidge felt he needed to show his teammates that he was upset about the turn of events. "Stuff like this happens. You can't be perfect. Everybody has their bad games," said Lidge. "But sometimes it helps to pretend you're really pissed off in front of your teammates so they think you're doing your best. So I had to knock over that water cooler." Phillies second baseman Chase Utley said he felt Lidge showed appropriate fake rage. "Yeah, he pulled it off," said Utley. "I don't think it was as good as my insincere anger last year when I knocked over a row of Gatorade cups after striking out in San Diego. But his effort was appreciated nonetheless." Lidge said the key to pretending you're upset is to pick an easy target. "So many rookies and younger players punch a wall or do something that can hurt them," he said. "You can't do that. The key to fake rage is making your safety the top priority." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT A member of a Los Angeles gang is receiving criticism today for flashing basketball signs while murdering someone. http://sportspickle.com/index.html A member of a Los Angeles gang is receiving criticism today for flashing basketball signs while murdering someone. "I didn't mean to offend anyone," said Andruw James. "It just came naturally, I guess. I used to hang around with people who played basketball, so after I shot the guy and he fell into his kid, I did the charge sign. I promise it won't happen again." James' gang leader says he will make sure Andruw won't slip up again. "What kind of message does is send when we have someone flashing a basketball sign when they're killing someone?" he said. "We have limited opportunities to communicate who we are and intimidate and terrify the community. Flashing non-gang signs only confuses people." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT Everyone think a Kobe Bryant vs. Lebron James NBA Finals matchup was a foregone conclusion. But then the Orlando Magic and Denver Nuggets threw a wrench into David Stern's TV ratings blockbuster. http://sportspickle.com/index.html Everyone think a Kobe Bryant vs. Lebron James NBA Finals matchup was a foregone conclusion. But then the Orlando Magic and Denver Nuggets threw a wrench into David Stern's TV ratings blockbuster. "We're pretty much at DEFCON 1 around here," said a source in the league office. "LeBron and Kobe are on the ropes. There's no room for error anymore." So the commissioner has issued the orders to game officials: whatever it takes. "We worry about the league's reputation for having officials influence the game and that we rig some of our games," said the league source. "But those whispers be damned right now. No one has ever seen BS calls like they're going to see in the next few games." To get the ball rolling, the NBA today announced today that Denver's Dahntay Jones and Orlando's Mickael Pietrus will be suspended for the remainder of the playoffs for reach-in fouls they committed in regular season games in November. info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 6 May 2009 00:00:00 EDT