http://www.sportspickle.com April 16 Issue of SportsPickle.com en-us Copyright 2006 DJ Gallo/SportsPickle.com http://backend.userland.com/rss webmaster@sportspickle.com (Adam Reisinger) Wed, 16 April2008 00:02:00 EDT Even though its victory over heavily-favored Tiger Woods at the Masters hasn't completely set in yet, the field is nevertheless feeling quite happy about pulling the shocking upset. http://sportspickle.com/features/volume7/2008-0416-field.html Even though its victory over heavily-favored Tiger Woods at the Masters hasn't completely set in yet, the field is nevertheless feeling quite happy about pulling the shocking upset. "Take that, Tiger Woods! Where you at now?" said Sergio Garcia, a member of the field who missed the cut at Augusta. "The field rules! The field! The field! The field! The field! Wooooooo!" "No one believed in us. But we did it," said field member Ben Curtis, who missed the cut with a pair of 75s. "We held on and won it. Who sucks now, Tiger?" Phil Mickelson, who finished in a tie for fifth place three shots behind Woods, says he can't get the smile off of his face over beating Woods. "People always compare my unfavorably to Tiger, but I beat him this week," said Mickelson. "He lost and the field won. For one week, at least, I am a better golfer than Tiger Woods." Vijay Singh, who finished six shots behind Woods in a tie for 14th place, says the field's victory is due to hours and hours of hard work. "People talk all the time about how much time Tiger spends working on his game," said Singh. "But when you combine all the time the 93 guys in the field work on their games, we probably put more time in. Probably." CBS analyst Nick Faldo says the field's victory in the Masters could signal a changing of the guard. "We have been waiting for someone to step forward and challenge Tiger Woods," says Faldo. "That day may finally be here. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that the field will win another few tournaments this year. It has some talent. A little rough around the edges, sure, but there's some talent." Woods gave credit to the field for the victory. "I've got some competition now, that's true," says Woods. "Anytime I only bring my C, D, E or F game, the field definitely has an outside shot at beating me." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 16 April2008 00:00:00 EDT Hillary Mitchell, an attractive 21-year-old political science major at Columbia University and a diehard baseball fan, says she has one thing and one thing only on her mind when trying to catch the eye of a major league player. http://sportspickle.com/features/volume7/2008-0416-vorp.html Hillary Mitchell, an attractive 21-year-old political science major at Columbia University and a diehard baseball fan, says she has one thing and one thing only on her mind when trying to catch the eye of a major league player. "Oh, yeah. If he has a high VORP, he's getting my panties off," says Mitchell. "Some girls are attracted to money, or looks or muscles. I'm a VORP girl." Value Over Replacement Player is the hot new measurement for major league players and a statistic Mitchell and other brainy baseball groupies use to target their prey. "A few years ago, I only used to sleep with guys with good batting averages," says Mitchell. "And I never, ever, ever would have sex with a guy who struck out a lot." But then Mitchell started reading about modern baseball talent evaluation and read the book "Moneyball." "My transformation started off slow," said Mitchell. "I stopped doing the batting average guys, and only focused on players with good on-base percentages. From there I went to OPS guys. A couple of seasons ago, I probably slept with every hitter on the A's and Red Sox rosters." And now? "I'm a total VORP whore," says Mitchell. Mitchell says the two players who turn her on the most are Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez and Mets third baseman David Wright, last season's major league VORP leaders. And she has already been with Wright. "Oh, man," says Wright. "Hillary really understands the game. All these VORP women do. They may not be the hottest girls, but they're smart and they appreciate what you do on the field in a very genuine way. And as for Hillary, she's pretty amazing in bed, too. Although it's kind of weird that she screams out the names of 'Billy Beane' and 'Bill James' the whole time." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 16 April2008 00:00:00 EDT Former champion Fuzzy Zoeller had to be consoled by fellow golfers after Trevor Immelman of South Africa held on to win the Masters on Sunday. http://sportspickle.com/features/volume7/2008-0416-fuzzy.html Former champion Fuzzy Zoeller had to be consoled by fellow golfers after Trevor Immelman of South Africa held on to win the Masters on Sunday. "Oh, jeez. An actual African won the Masters? This is getting ridiculous. I'm so sick of these darkies ruining Augusta," Zoeller was overheard complaining. "Fuzzy is pretty upset about it," said Tom Watson. "He won't even listen to reason. He won't even stop crying and look up at the TV screen to see what Immelman looks like." Zoeller said he would have been okay with Tiger Woods winning. "I realize that is this South African wouldn't have won, it would have been Woods," said Zoeller. "But at least he is an American black guy - you know, or whatever weird hybrid race he is. But this Immelman guy - who knows about him. He's right out of Africa. He might be all into voodoo or whatever it is they do. How do we know he didn't do magic voodoo to make all of his putts go in?" The 1979 Masters champion said he doesn't even know what to expect with next year's Champions Dinner. "Forget the fried chicken and collard greens," said Zoeller. "I don't think they eat that over there. They eat like dirt and insects and stuff. No way I'm eating that crap. I'll eat a lion, I guess. Maybe monkey brains. But no dirt. That's where I draw the line with my tolerance of other races." Zoeller became even more distraught when Watson and other golfers told him that former two-time Masters champion Gary Player is also from South Africa. "What?! No! No, no, no, no! Gary Player is not from Africa! I won't believe it," said Zoeller. "I had that man over to my house. I let him near my kids. It's just like those people to be liars and cheats." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 16 April2008 00:00:00 EDT A troubled offseason for the Pittsburgh Steelers got worse today when team mascot Steely McBeam, fresh off of a DUI arrest last week, was arrested for slapping his lover - the same offense two Steelers players have been charged with in recent months. http://sportspickle.com/index.html A troubled offseason for the Pittsburgh Steelers got worse today when team mascot Steely McBeam, fresh off of a DUI arrest last week, was arrested for slapping his lover - the same offense two Steelers players have been charged with in recent months. McBeam says he is innocent, but his partner - Ironrod McTaintlick - says McBeam struck him about the face when he threatened to go public with the mascot's secret life as an exotic male dancer. "Steely works at the steel plant like me and then on fall Sundays as the team mascot," said McTaintlick. "But no one knows about his night job as a exotic dancer and fluffer. I just want him to be honest with people and honest with himself." But McBeam says McTaintlick is simply trying to extort him for money. "This is nothing but blackmail," said McBeam. "Mmm .... black males. I like the sound of that." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 16 April2008 00:00:00 EDT Brad Richards, Ryan Getzlaf and Mike Ribeiro were named the three starts of the game for the Dallas Stars in the team's 5-2 playoff victory over the Ducks on Saturday, a fact that filled the trio's mothers with pride. http://sportspickle.com/index.html Brad Richards, Ryan Getzlaf and Mike Ribeiro were named the three starts of the game for the Dallas Stars in the team's 5-2 playoff victory over the Ducks on Saturday, a fact that filled the trio's mothers with pride. "Bradley ran right home and told me all about it," said Mrs. Richards. "He didn't even bother putting his bike away. He just left it right in the yard and ran into the house: 'Mom! Mommy! I was named one of the three stars of the game! I did good!'" Mrs. Ribeiro said it was about time her son got some recognition. "He's just as good, if not better, than any of the other boys on that team," said Mrs. Ribeiro. "And, best of all, he's a nice kid, too. He does his chores and respects his mommy." While Getzlaf was excited about being named one of the stars of the game, he was disappointed he didn't have anything to show for it. "They should give out gold star stickers," said Mrs. Getzlaf. "You know, something to put on the refrigerator. I want to show off to the other mothers." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 16 April2008 00:00:00 EDT Nearly 19 years after making what many view as the worst trade in NFL history, former Minnesota Vikings general manager Mike Lynn feels completely vindicated for acquiring Herschel Walker from the Cowboys in exchange for a heavy bounty. http://sportspickle.com/index.html Nearly 19 years after making what many view as the worst trade in NFL history, former Minnesota Vikings general manager Mike Lynn feels completely vindicated for acquiring Herschel Walker from the Cowboys in exchange for a heavy bounty. "We sent Dallas some good players and some high draft picks that they used on superstars," said Lynn. "But can you honestly tell me that those guys were worth eight Herschel Walkers? It's not even close. We got one of the top backs in the league eight times over." Walker, who now claims he has multiple personalities, says the Vikings would have won multiple Super Bowls during his tenure in Minnesota if all of his personalities would have been able to get on the field. "I had this one guy inside me, Jimmy Stillman, a big, strong, corn-fed, quarterback with a rifle arm," said Walker. "And then there was Deshawn 'The Destroyer' Dawkins - the meanest, toughest linebacker you've ever seen. He would have had 25, 30 sacks a year easy. I also had a few great role players and the best punter you've ever seen." The former Vikings general manager, who became despised in Minnesota for the trade, says he hopes he will now be forgiven and that Walker's admission will allow more people to understand multiple personality disorders. "I have two personalities," said Lynn. "The one people know me best for, and one that is a total dumbass. I always thought it was the dumbass that made that trade. Turns out it was the smart one." info@sportspickle.com (DJ Gallo) Wed, 16 April2008 00:00:00 EDT