Filed Under » Soccer

RICHARD SMITH

COLUMBUS, OHIO > Soccer

At Saturday’s Class-A state championship women’s soccer game, Smith, 43, was seen in the stands in video footage of the game pulled by Columbus’ WQLC-TV. Smith is a convicted rapist who skipped out on parole. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact Columbus Police or the Ohio State Police. Oh. McCluskey High beat South Shore Regional, 3-2, giving the Fightin’ Hawks their third state title in five years. The winning goal came off the foot or Sarah Smith, Richard’s niece.

The 2010 World Cup draw is set. The United States is in Group C with England, Algeria and Slovenia.

It’s on the U.S. national team to beat these countries. But it’s on us as a nation to hate these countries with everything we have. Here is some material you can use to tell these countries how much they suck.

Algeria

Hey, Algeria … about a quarter of your population lives on less than $2 a day. You’re poor!

Hey, Algeria … you’re president is namedAbdelaziz Bouteflika? Bouteflika. Sounds like a sexual harasser to me!

Hey, Algeria … rainfall in your country is fairly prevalent along the coast, but more sporadic inland. Ha-ha! Your weather is NOT temperate! And your vacations probably are often interrupted by rain!

Hey, Algeria … in your country homosexuality is illegal and punishable by imprisonment. Are you sure you’re country’s not named Alabamageria? ZING!

Hey, Algeria … you’re Africa’s second-largest country? Ha! Wait, since when is Africa not a country? Really, this is an honest question. We Americans are horrible at geography.

Slovenia

Hey, Slovenia … one of your primary industries is zinc smelting. The country who smelt it, dealt it!

Hey, Slovenia … your flag has three horizontal stripes. Where did you come up with that idea?

Hey, Slovenia … many of your towns are quite picturesque! Not very practical in a modern economy, now is it?

Hey, Slovenia … your plugs are British-style round plug attachments. Good luck getting your electronic equipment to work here without an adaptor!

Hey, Slovenia … your prime minister, Borut Pahor, isn’t nearly as funny as one might have expected!

England

Hey, England … you’re England!

Also:

There.

ROASTED!

And, yes, it dawned on me this weekend that the infamous New Mexico enforcer must be related to Jack Lambert in some way. Perhaps she was grown from one of his loose teeth.

BYU-New Mexico met in the Mountain West Conference Tournament. Keep your eye on New Mexico’s Elizabeth Lambert … if she hasn’t already given you a black eye.

If you care to learn more about Ms. Lambert, here is her official profile page on GoLobos.com. It turns out her major is Occupational Therapy. So before you judge her, realize that she can help her many victims through the long rehabilitation process from the injuries that she gives them.

Jan Hummel, a German exchange student at Valley Meade High School in Wisconsin, has shown very little interest in athletics in his one month at the school and reportedly isn’t even very good at soccer.

“It’s a huge disappointment,” said Kip Davis, Valley Meade’s boys’ varsity soccer coach. “We’ve never had a foreign kid who hasn’t at least been good enough to be a serviceable backup on the team. And usually they’re our best players. At the very least, their accent makes us feel more like a real soccer team.”

Without its annual foreign recruit, the Rovers have struggled to a 4-7 record so far this season, making it the first Valley Meade squad to be without at least one player from overseas since 1984.

“I just want to come to U.S., learn better English and get ready for my further studies at university,” says Hummel. “I do not really like to play the game you here call soccer. I do not mean to disappoint my new school and hopeful new friends, but it is a thing I must do.”

Hummel claims he never played soccer while growing up in Germany.

“Lies. Pure lies. I don’t buy it,” says Coach Davis. “He’s from another country. Of course he plays soccer. You know, I looked in on his gym class the other day and they were playing soccer. He’s not a superstar, but he’s definitely better than some of the kids I have playing and he would contribute. He should be on my team. The administration should force him to be.”

But Hummel maintains he never played and doesn’t want to start, even though many of the girls at Valley Meade say he looks and sounds like David Beckham.

“Honestly, I do not lie about this thing,” he said. “I watch some soccer as I grow up as a boy on television, but I never play. Watch only.”

Coach Davis has scheduled a meeting to review Valley Meade’s exchange student program with the school principal and superintendent for next week.

“If we’re going to have these foreign kids come over here, give them a place to stay, feed them, and give them an education, the least they can do is play soccer for us,” says Davis. “There’s no benefit to our school to have them if they’re not playing sports. Just think of the foreign kids who could use this opportunity — foreign kids who just happen to be dominant strikers or midfielders with great vision. Goalies even. These are the kids we should have here. This Hummel kid is abusing the system. It has to stop.”