Ponder This...

Did anyone else see the hissy fit that Danica Patrick threw after her latest mid-teens finish in an IRL race on Sunday? It was both hilarious and pathetic. She was stomping around – yes, actually stomping her feet like a 4-year-old with ADD – kicking things, cursing. Unbelieveable. All I could do is sit there and watch and say: “Geez. What’s your problem, sugar-tits?”

(Editor’s note: the preceding was submitted by Mel Gibson. He also sent in something about Shawn Green and why he sucks so much now, but I decided not to run that one. ‘Twas a bit too inflammatory in my opinion. Something about the growth of Green’s “Jew-claw” no longer allowing him to hold a bat properly. It didn’t really even make any sense.)

Avon is releasing a Derek Jeter cologne in November. Called “Driven” – as it is to reflect “the unique personality of one of the most driven men in America,” says an Avon press release – the fragrance is a “blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice.” Hmmmm … a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss and spice. Sort of seems to me as though it will smell like compost. But I suppose when you slap “Jeter” on the bottle and link it to a well-known brand, millions of people will insist it smells like roses and is the greatest fragrance of all-time.

Hey, exciting news everybody! Michelle Wie’s official website will be launching soon! Woo-hoo! You can check it out in its current form here: http://www.michellewie.com/. Now, as a huge Wie fan, I don’t have too many complaints about the site so far. Of course, I would have gone with this picture – http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2004/04/08/image611055x.jpg – for the front ‘cause it shows how beautiful and glamorous she really is, but I’m going to choose to overlook that minor error because I’m so super excited about the site’s promise of being “the online home for Michelle Wie – your source for golf, lifestyle and more.” Yippee! I was afraid it was going to just be about golf, but we’re going to get “lifestyle and more,” too. YESSSSS! Maybe Michelle will tell us what color outfit is the best to wear to conceal the fact that you sh!t your pants on the back nine of a golf tournament. Or maybe she’ll share ways girls can have high self-esteem even when they’ve never accomplished anything. The possibilities are endless. That’s why I’m so excited and why I made a point to submit my e-mail address in the box that says “Please e-mail when the full site launches.” I also hope they’ll e-mail me when Wie actually wins something or is worth even a fraction of the media coverage she currently receives. But unfortunately there was no specific box for that.

I suppose since I gave you a Michelle Wie update I also owe you a Barbaro update. According to his doctor he’s doing well now and: “Every day that goes by, it’s great … We just work on the horse and hope he continues to be happy.” Well, I can guarantee you Barbaro is quite happy since I’m sure his handlers are regularly harvesting his semen in case he dies. I’d just hate to be the intern at Barbaro Acres this summer. Get up early every morning, clean the stall, feed him, jack him off, have lunch, and then repeat. Not enjoyable at all.

Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor is in the midst of divorce proceedings with the sister of Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas. Now I have no idea what led to the split, but I can imagine that Taylor kind of lost his attraction to his wife. Not that I can see how there ever was one in the first place. I just can’t see any way the sister of this guy – http://amarillo.com/images/headlines/110802/thomas.jpg – could be remotely attractive. Neckless men with lantern jaws and bad hair tend to have neckless sisters with lantern jaws and bad hair. There’s just no way around it. I mean, the chances of that guy having an attractive sister are about as high as the chances of this guy – http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/
universal_pictures/the_bourne_supremacy/serena_williams/suprempred.jpg – having an attractive sister.

Here’s my Page 2 column from Monday: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/060731. If you don’t think it reads like something of mine, I’d probably agree. So here’s what you should do. Copy and paste the top portion into a Word document, and then do a find-and-replace on all instances of “moron,” “idiot,” and “dolt” and put “douchebag(s)” in their place. There. Perfect.

Ray-Ray, doing his best to be condescending as possible to his teammates this week in an interview about the upcoming season, had this to say in a FoxSports.com interview: “Individually, people can go to Pro Bowls. That’s cute … [but] the only passion I have is to win.” (You can read the whole thing here: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/5830030.) Going to Pro Bowls is “cute,” huh, Raymond? Individual recognition means nothing to you, I suppose? That’s why you declared before last season that if you did win MVP of the entire league that it would be “highway robbery?” I don’t know, Raymond. I don’t think making a Pro Bowl is “cute.” I think it’s a pretty impressive accomplishment. You want cute? This is cute: http://espn.go.com/i/magazine/new/bracket_lewis.jpg. And this is even cuter: http://mywebspace.quinnipiac.edu/jmharty/ray_lewis.jpg. Wait ... did I say “cute?” Sorry. Meant “gay.” Very, very gay.