Polls

Poll Who is the best team in college basketball?

• Ohio State -- Jared Sullinger is the best Ohio State big man since the late Greg Oden
• Kansas -- the team is motivated to make a long NCAA Tournament run in order to spend more time not in Kansas
• PITT -- the program has taken the next step since requiring all of its players to remove their ACLs to be like DeJuan Blair
• Duke -- they are the defending national champs, are balanced offensively and defensively and did you see that they just got killed by St. John's? That was awesome.
• San Diego State -- I would make a case for them but I was at a party on campus last night and I have a major hangover and would prefer to just sleep right now
• Texas -- they'll never be as important as the football team, but give them this: some of their players could make good football players if they weren't such pussies
• BYU -- they're not so much a team as they are just Jimmer Fredette, but the other four guys in matching uniforms do an outstanding job of staying out of his way

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Poll What are your thoughts on Jay Cutler's injury?

• Jay Cutler is injured? Pretty sure he's not hurt all. Might want to check your information.
• Hey, he's got another game in less than 8 months. He needed to be extra cautious.
• The diabeetus is a disease, not an injury.
• Whoa whoa whoa. Let's wait for the MRI results to judge exactly how pathetic he is.
• I think he deserves some credit for playing all season through being a giant pussy.

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Poll Who do you want to win the Super Bowl?

• Bears -- I think it's time the "Super Bowl Shuffle" gets updated with some auto-tune
• Jets -- I want to hear Rex Ryan say after winning "I'm going to Foot Locker!"
• Steelers -- I feel bad for them because many of their players get mercilessly mocked around town by older players because they only have two Super Bowl rings instead of four
• Packers -- I'm rooting for the Packers as long as the broadcast has one of those Favre Cams running so we can enjoy Brett Favre's misery

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Poll What conference is college football's best?

• ACC -- Picture the year 2004. Football powers Miami and Virginia Tech join the ACC. Boston College joins a year later. Now picture nothing since then. Who ya got?
• Big East -- What? Whatever. So don't vote for us. We don't care. We just showed up here to make fun of the ACC.
• Big 12 -- The Big 12 is consistently competitive and just imagine how good they'd be if that crap Texas program would have left.
• Big Ten -- Shut up. Just know that by not voting for us you're disappointing your grandfather.
• Pac-10 -- The Pac-10 is the only college conference that can handily defeat all of the pro teams in their region.
• SEC -- Legal Disclaimer: unlike when a recruit chooses to play in the SEC, you selecting the SEC here will result in no cash reward.

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Poll What lower seed has the best shot at winning the Super Bowl?

• Colts -- Peyton Manning is always a decent Super Bowl pick in NFL seasons in which Rex Grossman is semi-relevant
• Chiefs -- Charlie Weis' history shows he only leaves NFL teams when they are the best
• Ravens -- they've been the best team in the NFL for 11 seasons in a row, just ask them!
• Eagles -- a condition of Michael Vick's release is that he must win the Super Bowl by 2011, so he's pretty motivated
• Seahawks -- laugh at them if you want, but they're the best 7-9 playoff team EVER
• Saints -- unrelated to Hurricane Katrina, Louisiana is kind of a dump so they've still got that to play for as motivation
• Packers -- it seems destined that the Packers will win the Super Bowl in this, the Season Of Favre Humiliation
• Jets -- Rex Ryan is motivated to get to Dallas to see if the feet are as big as everything else in Texas

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Poll What is the best acquisition of the MLB off-season?

• Jayson Werth, Nationals -- by paying an absurd price for a marginal player, the Nationals will be forced now to make intelligent, cost-conscious moves
• Carl Crawford, Red Sox -- Crawford provides everything Boston wants, in that he was a player the Yankees were also interested in
• Cliff Lee, Phillies -- sometimes it can be really annoying when the opposing team scores runs
• Adrian Gonzalez, Red Sox -- he gives Boston its first power bat in decades that can hit home runs without steroids
• Zack Greinke, Brewers -- Milwaukee now has a very good pitcher they can trade before the July deadline
• Derek Jeter, Yankees -- while a terrible signing in a purely baseball sense, an old, declining player being given tons of money seems like a promising sign for our economy

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Poll The Big Ten has named its new divisions Legends and Leaders. (Really.) What should they have named them?

• Dungeons & Dragons
• Teams Here, Teams There
• Too Fast, Too Furious
• Cold, Windy
• Division Edward, Division Jacob
• Cash, Money
• SEC Lite, SEC Jr.
• WTF? and Beats Me

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Poll Which college bowl game has the best sponsor?

• uDrove Humanitarian Bowl -- it's a little-known fact that all of the world's great humanitarians through history have used uDrove as their business consultant or I.T. firm or car navigation system or whatever the hell it is
• TicketCity Bowl -- TicketCity's sponsorship underscores that TicketCity is the best source for tickets to marquee sporting events; as such, it does not sell tickets to this crap bowl
• Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl -- brings attention to the very real problem of people choosing to starve to death over eating any products made by Kraft Foods
• Bridgepoint Educational Holiday Bowl -- by throwing four completely random and unrelated words together, this game has the all the excitement and uncertainty of refrigerator poetry magnets
• San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl -- SDCCU's sponsorship is a great way to convince football fans across the nation to move to San Diego for a great interest rate on a checking account
• AutoZone Liberty Bowl -- as Thomas Paine himself wrote: "A person is really only free when he can shop for reasonably-priced auto parts."
• Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman -- reminds the public that any uprising against the bowl system will be put down violently with the full power of the military

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Poll Who is best team in the NFL right now?

• Falcons (9-2) -- their rollicking, hip hop-infused school bus rides make them a tight bunch
• Saints (8-3) -- they started a little slow thanks to a Super Bowl hangover and also real hangovers thanks to some celebratory drink Jeremy Shockey made with cheap tequila
• Bears (8-3) -- Crap. I accidentally clicked the Bears. Is there a way to undo?
• Patriots (9-2) -- while Josh McDaniels carries out orders to create a diversion in Denver with SpyGate 2, Bill Belichick is putting the final touches on a volcano-top fortress death ray that can destroy major world cities
• Jets (9-2) -- I've been on their bandwagon since Hard Knocks, and I'll stick with them like I do every HBO show, even if they suck like Entourage
• Ravens (8-3) -- Joe Flacco is finally showing signs of maturation beyond unsightly hair growth
• Steelers (8-3) -- they are motivated to win one last Super Bowl before Roger Goodell outlaws tackling
• Chargers (6-5) -- Philip Rivers and the San Diego offense will break every record in history for a team that will lose again on the road in the playoffs to a cold weather team

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Poll Who should be the next NFL coach to get fired?

• Mike Singletary -- his continued failures while wearing a cross necklace are extremely sacrilegious
• Josh McDaniels -- it's for the best; child labor is illegal anyway
• Marvin Lewis -- he has failed to develop Cincinnati's young talent into viable reality TV show participants
• Gary Kubiak -- who is Gary Kubiak?
• Norv Turner -- I've voted for him in polls like this since the mid-'90s and I'm not going to stop now
• Chan Gailey -- he never should have been hired, so it's sort of unfair to include him here
• Jim Schwartz -- his 4-22 start may seem magical in Detroit, but maybe someone else out there can do even better!
• Bill Belichick -- he's kind of a dick

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