Polls

Poll What is the most prestigious golf trophy?

• The 100-PERCENT REAL! Green Jacket -- a cheap, unlicensed and obvious knock-off of the Masters green jacket awarded to the winner of the China Open
• Green Polo Shirt -- an ill-fitting short-sleeved shirt given to every golfer upon making the PGA Tour which really accentuates their man breasts, gut and lack of muscle tone
• The John Daly Memorial Cup -- a plastic beer mug given to golfers who get 10 punches in their Hooters card
• Tiger Woods Trophy -- awarded to a golfer who spends the most time in a tournament "lurking," "in the hunt" and "on the prowl"
• Giant Stack of Money -- a giant stack of money given to the winner of the Dubai Desert Classic

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Poll In One Shining Moment, what do you do?

• I reach deep inside
• I know I'm alive
• I reach for the sky
• I know I am willing to try
• All of the above
• Unsure. But when these polls are done, vote or not, I always did my best and inside I know.

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Poll How are you doing in your NCAA Tournament pool?

• terrible -- but on the bright side, I have been offered a job as a college basketball analyst by several leading sports media outlets
• not sure -- I haven't looked at my bracket in a while. Let me see ... oh ... wow ... yeah, put me down for terrible, too.
• well -- I still have a chance to finish in the money; unfortunately, I paid twice my possible winnings to a witch to fill out my bracket for me
• N/A -- I didn't fill out a bracket this year, but I hear I'm still in the top 50-percent of all brackets, so that's exciting

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Poll Which surprise NCAA Tournament team has the best chance to win the championship?

• (11) Marquette -- even the 11th-best team in the powerful Big East is better than the best teams in every other conference (but, oddly, the best teams in the Big East are not)
• (12) Richmond -- in beating Vanderbilt and Morehead State, they proved they have at least one big strength: beating teams that aren't very good
• (11) VCU -- they were universally criticized by college basketball analysts before the tournament, which means they must be pretty awesome based on the track record of college basketball analysts
• (10) Florida State -- everyone on their roster is 5'11" or taller, which is really helpful in the sport of basketball
• (8) Butler -- they can be even better than last year now that they no longer have that guy from the title game who blew the game-winning shot from half court. CHOKER!
• (2) San Diego State -- San Diego State is a 2-seed? Are you sure? Wow. Well, I never heard of them before so they're a surprise to me.

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Poll What is the best strategy for making your NCAA Tournament picks?

• in-depth analysis -- thanks to your research and the hours you spent watching basketball since November, you won't win your pool but at least you'll feel like you didn't waste the last 5 months of your life
• mascot method -- you pick based on which school has the fiercest mascot, or which mascots are least embarrassing to the parents of the student inside the costume
• team colors method -- the most popular method among clueless office secretaries, gang members and racists
• rooting interest -- you pick your alma mater or favorite team to win or, more likely, the most hilarious way for Duke to lose
• dartboard method -- if you're lucky, maybe you'll hit a few of the people in your pool in the face with a dart

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Poll How far will the Heat go in the NBA Playoffs?

• 1st round exit -- a 1st round loss would be the perfect storybook ending to their perfect failure of a season
• 2nd round exit -- they'll win a series, but they're still 3 or 4 superstar players away from making a long playoff run
• lose in Eastern Conference Finals -- it would be one round further than Lebron took the Cavs last year, so that's ... you know ... something. Plus, it would be by far the highlight of Chris Bosh's career
• lose in NBA Finals -- few know this, but when Lebron said "Not one, not two, not three ..." he was referring to Eastern Conference titles
• win NBA finals -- as long as they can get a favorable playoff schedule in which they play no elite NBA teams, they will be perfectly fine

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Poll What NFL Combine workout has the greatest relation to playing football in the NFL?

• broad jump -- many a top NFL player has eluded police and continued their career by jumping over a dead broad/hooker
• vertical jump -- if a player can't celebrate a TD by dunking over the crossbar, he's really going to blow at firing up the crowd
• 40-yard dash -- star NFL quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger and Peyton Manning have all probably run sub-4.2 40s
• 3-cone drill -- a team needs to know if a player will go the extra mile, even to the point of humiliating himself doing a pointless drill
• Wonderlic exam -- a low score means you have a small brain and thick skull, both great signs that you'll be tough to concuss

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Poll Who is the best player in the NBA?

• Blake Griffin -- he has the physical ability to one day re-write the record books, as long as he also has the mental ability to leave the Clippers as a free agent
• Lebron James -- he has every physical trait you could want in a player; he also has intangibles like drive, confidence and general douchebaggery
• Dwyane Wade -- he's not even the best player on his team, but he's earned the right to be on this list and not voted for
• Dwight Howard -- he's an elite talent and he genuinely loves basketball, which is also sort of a problem: I mean, stop smiling, guy! This is a game! It's not supposed to be that fun!
• Derrick Rose -- he's building his own legacy in Chicago, which will probably prompt Michael Jordan to say something really dickish soon about how Rose isn't as good as he was
• Kevin Durant -- he's the rare young player who is legitimately good and not just a by-product of the Oklahoma City media hype machine
• Kobe Bryant -- he just won MVP of the All-Star Game, proving his 40% effort is superior to every other top player's 40%
• Carmelo Anthony -- he's not in the same league as guys like Kobe and Lebron but ... wait, check that: he's now super-great because he plays in New York!

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Poll Who is the best team in the NBA right now?

• Spurs -- the team has been re-energized by working some younger players into the mix, as well as dumping that old hag Eva Longoria
• Celtics -- they have experience and toughness and, most of all, I'm afraid Kevin Garnett would punch me in the nuts if I didn't vote for them
• Heat -- they have the most potential of any of the top teams, it's just a shame they were eliminated from the playoffs in November due to their 9-8 start
• Mavericks -- they're good now and they'll be even better in May and June because the warm air is good for their creaky, arthritis-ridden joints
• Lakers -- I assume they're still the best team? Football season just ended so I'm kind of catching up. Are the Cavaliers still good?

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Poll What was the worst Super Bowl XLV commercial?

• HomeAway.com "Test Baby" -- I love seeing a baby smash its face as much as the next guy, but let's not commercialize it
• Pepsi Max "First Date" -- nice restaurants don't serve soda in cans; nice restaurants serve wine in cans
• Chevy Cruze "Update" -- Facebook-enabled cars will give American automakers a big advantage over all of the MySpace-enabled foreign cars
• Chevy Cruze "Misunderstanding" -- the worst thing about old people is that they're too deaf to hear you tell them how worthless they are
• Motorola Xoom "Empower The People" -- what's the point of the apocalyspe if hipsters live through it?
• LivingSocial.com "Life-Changing" -- I don't need everyone knowing what website I use to live out my transvestite alternative life
• Doritos "The Best Part" -- I don't appreciate how they made sucking your co-workers fingers and smelling their pants seem weird
• Chrysler 200 "Detroit" -- Detroit jokes just seem depressing when even Detroit markets itself as dark and foreboding
• Volkswagen "The Force" -- that father is to blame if that kid now grows up and is disappointed by his lack of powers and/or watches the "Star Wars" prequels
• Every movie preview -- so I'm never seeing another movie; I wonder what these "book" things are like

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