Polls

Poll Which injured NFL player would have the biggest impact on his team in an absence?

• Peyton Manning -- without him under center, the Colts have almost no chance of getting drubbed out of the playoffs
• Arian Foster -- he may, or may not, have a very capable backup. Who knows. No one follows the Texans.
• D.J. Williams -- he is Denver's top tackler, and the one thing Tebow has proven to be even worse at than quarterbacking is healing people. Fraud!
• Chris Johnson -- he's a holdout, not injured, but without him Tennessee's goal of a 7-9 season could go down the drain
• Ndamukong Suh -- he's also not injured, but there's a good chance he'll soon get so out of control that he'll try to break his own leg
• Albert Haynesworth -- the Patriots need him to pass out at the line of scrimmage, so his lifeless, morbidly obese body clogs running lanes
• Michael Crabtree -- he's ready to return from injury, and the 49ers need to do everything in their power to make sure he gets hurt again

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Poll Which college football team should be the preseason No. 1?

• Oklahoma -- the Sooners have a ton of talent and they're motivated to play well in order to maybe get an SEC invite
• Alabama -- they can finally run their offense through Trent Richardson instead of that crappy Heisman winner Mark Ingram
• Oregon -- the Ducks will be tough to bring down this year, as they will be wearing new Nike uniforms featuring Vaseline-and-poison exterior technology
• LSU -- an Andy Reid-coached team is the NFL favorite, and a Les Miles-coached team is a college football favorite? Yeah, sure, this makes great sense.
• Boise St -- they have the talent to get screwed by the BCS like never before
• Florida St -- Christian Ponder is gone and this should be FSU's best team in years; once again: great pick, Vikings!
• Stanford -- if they can stay focused on football and not waste all their time getting educated, they can achieve great things

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Poll Do you think hazing of freshmen/rookies should be allowed?

• No -- hazing may seem harmless, but someone could get hurt; and that's what football is for
• Maybe -- I remember being very anti-hazing as a freshman, but very pro-hazing from then on
• Yes -- if a new guy isn't willing to be sodomized by a broom handle in front of the entire team, how can you ever really count on him in a close game?

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Poll Do you think double-amputee runner Oscar Pistorius should be allowed to compete in the Olympics?

• No -- First good parking spots and now this? I'm sick and tired of amputees getting all the breaks.
• Maybe -- Is he American? He's not? Then, no, he shouldn't be allowed. Too bad. It would have been a great story if he was American.
• Yes -- they should let amputees compete, robots compete, cheetahs, whatever. Anything to make track and field remotely interesting to watch.

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Poll Are the Eagles the team to beat this year in the NFL?

• Yes -- now that they have that cornerback I've never seen play whose name I can't pronounce, they'll be unbeatable
• No -- Vince Young says they are a "dream team," so based on his track record of intelligence, I'm confident the Eagles will go 0-16
• Maybe -- the Eagles still need a big, physical linebacker to make plays and "accidentally" slam into Andy Reid late each game
• Yes -- like every other season in the Super Bowl era, the Eagles are a team who will be beaten
• No -- everyone knows the Patriots are the NFL's most unstoppable force for the 11th consecutive season
• Maybe -- they have a lot of big-name talent and will win the title unless some other team signs a tall German

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Poll Which player available at the trade deadline could make the biggest impact for a team in a pennant chase?

• Carlos Beltran -- his hilarious tales of playing for the Mets would keep any clubhouse loose during a tight race
• Ubaldo Jimenez -- he would give a big boost to any contender that is desperate for wins in May of 2010
• Hunter Pence -- he's hitting .308 on the Astros, so he could easily hit .400 surrounded in a lineup by other professional athletes
• B.J. Upton -- a contending team needs to stay fresh in September and October, and Upton has been conserving energy for most of his career
• Heath Bell -- should a team's plane crash, Bell's body would provide enough meat to feed players and coaches well into October

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Poll How can the U.S. start winning golf majors again?

• build a border fence to keep foreigners out of the Masters, US Open and PGA Championship
• give tax breaks to athletic families so they can afford to have their children join country clubs
• require golfers to throw a football 30 yards in order to qualify for tournaments
• just wait for Tiger Woods's many likely illegitimate sons to grow up
• invade and annex Northern Ireland as our 51st state

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Poll Which sport has the best All-Star Game?

• Pro Bowl -- the NFL is the most popular sport, yet the Pro Bowl also provides as much tackling as found in baseball, our national pastime. Win-win!
• NBA All-Star Game -- you simply won't find a more entertaining, 2-hour sneaker commercial
• NHL All-Star Game -- the game's varying formats (East vs. West, North America vs. World, etc.) keeps it fresh and is inevitably leading to the hilariously disastrous White People vs. Jarome Iginla game
• MLB All-Star Game -- so what that late-inning scrubs decide World Series homefield? You don't know entertainment if you think the Super Bowl site shouldn't be decided by Matt Cassel throwing deep on Brent Grimes in Hawaii.

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Poll How should MLB tweak the All-Star voting process?

• bar anyone with an e-mail address like DerekJeter4Ever@hotmail.com or YankeeCaptain2@aol.com from voting online
• expand the field of voters to TV talent show fans by making all the players sing and dance
• end fan voting and remember that the responsibilities of the biased, uninformed populace should be limited to electing government officials
• end all debate by selecting All-Stars based solely on some Sabermetric stat that no one understands
• quit with the pretense of other players and just schedule another Yankees-Red Sox game for that day

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Poll Will you watch any of the Women's World Cup?

• Yes -- oddly enough, unlike the men's World Cup, female soccer players don't fall down and cry like little girls
• Maybe -- I have called my cable provider to ask if they have a "Goals That Reveal Sports Bras" World Cup package
• No -- But it's not a sexist thing. I also hate Wimbledon and the College World Series.

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