Polls

Poll Can Eli Manning win a Super Bowl?

• No.
• Wait, didn't he win one already?
• Do you mean win one that isn't a total fluke? Eh. Maybe.
• Have we considered that there is a set amount of Manning quarterback talent at any one given time, and that Eli currently holds all of it?
• He's such a dork.

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Poll Who is the best college football team in the country right now?

• LSU -- the only way to beat LSU this year is if the entire team gets arrested or suspeneded; so 50-50 they lose this year
• Alabama -- you can vote for another team, just realize all your trees might be dead tomorrow
• Boise State -- everyone always says how they'd struggle with an SEC schedule, but no one gives them credit for having a schedule full of trap games
• Stanford -- I don't see NFL teams losing on purpose for any LSU or Alabama players
• Oklahoma State -- Just because they're a football team called the "Cowboys", don't assume that they suck
• Houston -- it's polite to include them on this list because they're still undefeated

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Poll Which NFL team is most likely to go 0-16?

• Dolphins -- Miami's lack of fans gives the Dolphins a huge advantage as far as not feeling any pressure to win
• Rams -- they have the kind of receivers who can come up with a big, clutch drop on a potentially game-winning drive
• Colts -- the Colts fell short of 16-0 in recent years due to various team weaknesses, but those weaknesses are now strengths in pursuit of 0-16 perfection
• Lions -- they've lost two in a row to fall to 5-2 and I'm sure a franchise this historically awful can find a way to get those five wins vacated

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Poll Which NFL head coach would you most like to punch in the face?

• Jim Schwartz -- I have nothing against the guy but, wow, that is a punchable face he's got on him
• Jim Harbaugh -- I simply don't care for firm handshakes and/or I am Jim Schwartz
• Todd Haley -- his face is even more punchable than Schwartz's face. In fact, I might kung-fu kick it.
• Jim Caldwell -- he seems like a nice guy, but I wonder if a punch to the face would change his facial expression. This would be a face-punch for science.
• Rex Ryan -- it would be fun to punch him in the face right after he predicts that I'm not going to punch him in the face
• Andy Reid -- punching Andy Reid would be like hitting a pillow, so I wouldn't hurt my fist
• Bill Belichick -- based on your question, there's no rule that says I have to stop punching him after the one punch to the face, right?
• other -- Pete Carroll, Tom Coughlin, Mike Shanahan ... is there a way I can just punch them all?

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Poll How good will Tim Tebow be as an NFL quarterback?

• bad -- because he can't be defined as an NFL quarterback; he's something more than that; he's the hopes and dreams of a nation
• solid -- he can make a team 8-8, 9-7, something like that; but a very exciting, publicized and screamy 8-8 or 9-7
• star -- he may not look or play like the prototypical quarterback, but his biceps? They're made of 100-percent intangibles.
• greatest ever -- easy answer, unless you want to go on record saying that Jesus can't throw a spiral. Well?

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Poll Is Tony Romo capable of winning it all?

• Yes -- If Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer and Eli Manning can win a Super Bowl, so can Tony Romo, provided he's shot at halftime
• No -- but he can lead them deep into the playoffs, and then deep into depression
• Yes -- Tony Romo can lead the Cowboys to the promised land of Andrew Luck
• No -- No. That's my answer. No. This is the easiest poll ever.
• Yes -- by repeatedly making the Cowboys lose, Tony Romo has won all of my heart

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Poll Are you rooting for the Bills and Lions?

• Yes -- As someone who historically sucks, I identify with them and would like to see them rewarded for their years of complete ineptitude.
• No -- If they become good, maybe people will expect me to stop being bad at things.
• Maybe -- I'd like to see them do well, but let it be known that I reserve the right to mock them as soon as they start losing again
• N/A -- I've been a Packers diehard since way back in January and I'm not jumping ship. At least not yet.

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Poll Which of the NFL's 2-0 teams has the best shot at going undefeated?

• Redskins -- if Michael Vick is hurt for a while, and if all other good NFL players get hurt, the Redskins could really sneak up on people
• Lions -- the might finally be good ... and just imagine if Barry Sanders comes back! WOW!
• Bills -- all they need is 14 more opponents to overlook them based on the fact that the Bills always and forever suck
• Texans -- I believe the Texans have the potential to go 16-0 AND somehow figure out a way to miss the playoffs
• Packers -- they can go undefeated if they are able to defeat the mighty Detroit Lions twice ... which sounds weird to sort of mean seriously.
• Jets -- Rex Ryan probably believes they can go undefeated, although Rex Ryan is not considered to be an intelligent person by any measure
• Patriots -- now, more than ever, the nation needs this team to go 16-0 and then 18-1 so we can be united once again through mocking laughter

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Poll How good will Cam Newton be as an NFL quarterback?

• bad -- good Week 1 aside, he will never be more than a fringe starter, which means he should easily break all of Jake Delhomme's Carolina career records by Week 3
• solid -- he has a lot of talent, but in a year or two he will struggle to overcome the distractions brought on by Auburn's national title and his Heisman getting revoked
• star -- think about it: after one week, he's already in the top half of NFL starting quarterbacks; No, seriously, he is -- the league is full of quarterbacking turds.
• greatest ever -- I may be 12 years-old, but I know enough to say that he's already passed Michael Vick as the greatest quarterback of all-time!

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Poll What do you think of Maryland's new football uniforms?

• disastrous -- the uniforms were bad and, worst of all, now Oregon will feel the need to top them; what we have is an ugly arms race that could lead to the blindness of the entire country!
• bad -- the idea was to appeal to younger people, and everyone knows that the kids think that state flags are, like, the raddest thing right now, am I right?
• okay -- I like the idea of pushing the envelope, but by the time their bowl game comes around, the only way to get new buzz will be to go completely naked outside of a helmet turban made from the state flag and a turtle shell for a cup
• pretty good -- hey, all publicity is good publicity, such as the talk about Maryland's uniforms or the talk about BP after the Gulf oil spill
• outstanding -- they have a look that will appeal to teenage recruits, especially those who have suffered multiple concussions

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