Polls

Poll Which team will win the NBA championship?

• Celtics - they may be old, but they have championship experience and just need to re-sign Bob Cousy and Bill Russell to put them over the top
• Clippers - no other team in the playoffs can match their athletic, high-flying flops
• Heat - Lebron is the greatest player in the sport and will not be denied this year; we are blessed to witness him in his prime. Although if he is denied, that will be hilarious. So, it's really a win-win.
• Lakers - Kobe's offseason knee procedure has given him the leg strength to literally put his entire team on his back
• Pacers - I'm not sure if I've heard of any of their players, so maybe they play a great team game, have a ton of depth and aren't dominated by a single star? Just spit-balling here.
• Sixers - they're only two serious injuries to the key players of every opponent along the way from winning it all!
• Spurs - a Spurs championship would be the perfect bookend to a season that started with a boring lockout
• Thunder - they are young, talented, deep and their intensity won't wane thanks to the relentless pressure of the Oklahoma City media machine

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Poll Which MLB team that is off to a surprisingly hot start has the most staying power?

• Baltimore Orioles (19-9) - strong pitching and timely hitting will go a long way, but not as far as people of all faiths across the country continuing to pray that the Yankees and Red Sox stay in dead-last and second-to-last
• Cleveland Indians (15-11) - it would not be surprising in any way if they make the playoffs and then lose in some tragic way, crushing the hopes and dreams of Cleveland sports fans
• Washington Nationals (18-10) - Jayson Werth's broken wrist is exactly what this team needed to get even better
• New York Mets (15-13) - Yes, being barely above .500 is a pleasant surprise for the Mets. So give them a vote if you think they can continue this magical mediocrity.

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Poll Which part of an athlete's anatomy is least clutch?

• ACL - one awkward landing or misstep and these things are prone to completely fall apart
• hamstrings - they might have a lot of strings, but they have almost no intangibles
• ulnar collateral ligament - even if it's fixed, guess how many rings Tommy John has? ZERO!
• brain - brains used to be tough, but now they're keeping athletes out of games all the time
• genitals - these things are always getting athletes in trouble off the field

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Poll What was the Nets' greatest era during their 35 years in New Jersey?

• 1977-1981 - the team's arena is built and opened at the Meadowlands complex, miraculously without disturbing sacred mafia burial grounds
• 1990-1995 - Derrick Coleman accidentally leads the Nets to the postseason three times in five seasons, forcing him to play basketball beyond what his contract required
• 1996-1999 - the Nets make it through the John Calipari era without having to vacate any of the four games he won there over two-plus seasons
• 2002-2003 - the Nets make back-to-back NBA Finals despite playing without the largest member of their organization: Jason Kidd's giant toddler son
• 2010-2012 - Russian oligarch Mikhail Prokhorov takes over the franchise and has the team lose constantly as part of some international conspiracy we don't quite yet understand

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Poll What is your opinion on fighting in hockey?

• strongly against it -- violence has no place in hockey outside of every moment of game action
• against it -- I can see both sides of the argument, but I really don't want to fight about it.
• not sure -- I can't remember the question. I took a lot of blows to the head playing hockey.
• for it -- I have no problem with fighting as long as it's limited to hockey. If NBA players fight it's because they're black thugs, not gritty warriors.
• strongly for it -- why not have gaping wounds and severed limbs? It's not like the injured don't have easy access to ice.

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Poll If John Calipari's latest trip to the Final Four gets vacated, what will be the likely reason?

• lack of institutional control
• lack of institutional control on purpose
• playing Anthony Davis all season even though his unibrow is a protected wetland
• paying Derrick Rose to take his recruits' SAT exams
• genocide

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Poll Which Final Four team do you least want to win the NCAA Tournament?

• Ohio State - don't you mean THE NCAA Tournament?
• Kansas - if Kansas wins its second title in five years, every joke about Kansas sucking in the Tournament will be completely ruined
• Kentucky - John Calipari openly runs an NBA factory, unlike other top programs that put all of their emphasis on academic rigor
• Louisville - it's impossible to root for Rick Pitino, although all the "From 2-Pump Chump to Champ" headlines would be pretty great

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Poll Which of the No. 1 seeds do you think is the best bet to make it out of the Sweet 16 to the Final Four?

• North Carolina -- since laughter is the best medicine, maybe Kendall Marshall can heal his broken wrist by watching game tape of Duke's loss to Lehigh
• Michigan State -- Tom Izzo's teams always play best in March; unfortunately, the national title game is always in April, but in March they're very good
• Kentucky -- the Wildcats have all of their attention on the Tournament, as evidenced by Anthony Davis' playoff eyebrow
• Syracuse -- it's hard to root for this Syracuse team, so based on the track record of teams you hate, they're pretty much a lock to win it all

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Poll Which No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament is most likely to get upset?

• Syracuse -- they were put in the East region, which is bad news because that keeps them near their weed guy
• North Carolina -- once Duke gets knocked out, they'll probably lose interest in the NCAA Tournament along with the rest of America
• Michigan State -- Tom Izzo's teams always seem to peak for the NCAA Tournament, which is why you put them in the Final Four in your bracket, which is why they will assuredly get knocked out early this year
• Kentucky -- with midterms coming up, their players will not be focusing on basketball

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Poll How should the NFL punish the Saints over the team's bounty program?

• offer Saints players $5,000 apiece for injuring the parties responsible for the program
• fine the organization a large sum and send a message to other teams in the league by also fining James Harrison an even larger sum
• force them to clean up vomit-strewn Bourbon Street while elderly prostitutes flash them
• require the Saints to permanently employ the craptastic Gregg Williams as their defensive coordinator
• destroy all the evidence of the program and then pretend it never happened and then a year or so later refer to the Saints as a "model NFL organization," because that has worked so well before

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