"Alright, we've got Jimmie Ray from Smyrna calling in and he wants to talk about gay athletes," Crazy Mike just said. "You're on the air, Jimmie Ray."
Oh, God. His name is Jimmie Ray. This is going to be even worse than you feared.
"Yeah, hey, Crazy Mike. Yeah, I just wanted to talk about this NBA guy saying he's gay," said Jimmie Ray. "Now, I've never heard of him before because I don't really like NBA basketball. I don't think half of them try all season and when they do, it's only for the last few minutes of the game."
Please. Please someone stop this. Please. It's going to get racial and homophobic. Cut the line.
"And I learned in church growing up that homosexuality is a sin," continued Jimmie Ray.
Sweet mercy. This is a complete disaster. HANG UP ON HIM! You don't want sports radio callers talking about these issues! They're America's dumbest people! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
That's a good kick. He must have played soccer before.
2. Making you eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. So much for growing into the obese body of an NFL offensive lineman. Child obesity leads to NFL riches. Read a parenting book, mom!
3. Teaching you how to read. It's not a coincidence that no SEC school ever contacted you about playing after that. What was she thinking in teaching you about thinking?
4. Limiting your hours playing video games. Mom, you idiot, it's impossible to learn how to read a defense if you play less than five hours of Madden a day.
5. Making you go to bed at a reasonable time. You could have gotten a lot of training done at 2:00 a.m. when you were a little kid. You were robbed of countless extra practice time. Way to screw that up, MOM!
It's one of Jack Nicholson's greatest performances yet.
"I am as shocked as anyone, trust me," said Sanchez. "Every day I stay employed as a quarterback is both a blessing and a total and complete surprise. I am also kind of stunned that the Jets are still considered a professional football team."
The Jets had signed veteran quarterback David Garrard earlier in the offseason and drafted Geno Smith in the second round of the NFL Draft, further crowding an already muddled quarterback situation on the team.
"I had an idea that my days were numbered, considering that they wouldn't put me on the field at all last year," said Tebow. "But holy shit, how does Mark Sanchez still have a job? And, yes, I just cursed for the first time in my life. It seems 100-percent appropriate in this situation. Mark Sanchez? Guy fking sucks."
He's the next Mel Kiper, Jr.
"According to my agent, all of the teams backed away from me because they feel I am a 'total and complete moron,' to quote him," said Te'o. "He said they think I'm the dumbest person ever and they say that's even relative to other football players, which therefore and again, I'm quoting possibly makes me the 'dumbest person in the entire world.'"
Tom Condon, Te'o's agent, confirmed teams' sentiments towards the linebacker.
"Wow. Te'o remembered everything I said perfectly," said Condon. "Probably because I spoke very, very slowly and made him repeat the words back to me and also made sure there were no shiny objects in the room when I was talking to him."