Archive

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman excitedly announced today that the historic Stanley Cup has been retired and that the league's playoff teams will now instead compete for free iPads.

"I wanted to do something that would really make the NHL seem fresh and innovative, and I think this is it," said Bettman, beaming. "The Stanley Cup served it's purpose for a long time, but these are new or refurbished 16-gig iPad 2s that the players will get to keep. We're probably even going to pay to engrave their names on the back."

Bettman's idea was immediately panned by the media members attending the press conference, with several becoming so enraged they yelled expletives at Bettman. One older reporter rushed the stage and tried to hit the commissioner with his notebook.

"I have to say, this was not the reaction I expected," a clearly disappointed Bettman said after order was restored. "The Stanley Cup was old. There was only one for all the players to share. They had to give it back. These are iPad 2s that they can keep! They even have 3G! We're not paying for the data, but the players can activate it if they want to. What is not to like here?"

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) today warned state and local health officials that hitting is highly contagious and could prove lethal for pitching staffs.

Most of the hitting infections have occurred near Houston, Anaheim, San Diego, Toronto and Philadelphia, as pitchers in those cities have been found to have the type of slow fastballs and hanging curveballs on which the virus thrives.

According to the CDC's analysis, the virus has been active for years but started to spread actively several weeks ago when Astros pitcher Philip Humber repeatedly grooved fastballs to Cleveland Indians hitters in a 19-6 loss. A highly contagious form of hitting has spread ever since.

The CDC fears worries it will be difficult to control.

"Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay was spreading hitting to everyone in his first few starts of the season, but then it went into remission for a few weeks," said Phillies team physician Geoff Hartman. "We though it might be under control. Unfortunately, it flared up worse than ever Tuesday night, when he gave out eight runs on nine hits and three home runs in just three innings. I've never seen hitting become that contagious that fast. It's terrifying."

Just eight years ago, Josh Hamilton was homeless and strung out on heroin. Today he is getting booed and batting .202 after an 0-for-8 game with three strikeouts. It's the classic sort-of redemption tale.

"At my lowest point, I never dreamed of being where I am today," said Hamilton. "I dreamed more about playing really well for a good team. But sometimes things don't work out quite like you'd hope. If you had offered me .202 and getting booed back in 2005, would have taken it. At least, I probably would have."

One definite positive of Hamilton's current situation is that he is getting paid $17 million to be a massive, gaping hole in the middle of Anaheim's lineup — with $106 million more due to him in the next four years.

"I suspect the Angels want me to hit, like, lots of home runs and have a high batting average and stuff like that," said Hamilton. "But I think they would agree that even if I never get another hit in my entire life, my life's story is pretty remarkable. As remarkable as the fact that major league contracts are completely guaranteed? No. But remarkable nonetheless."

Penguins star Sidney Crosby may return to the ice from a broken jaw for Game 1 of Pittsburgh's first round series against the New York Islanders, but there is concern he will not be able to produce at 100-percent.

"We haven't yet found a bubble that allows him to hold his stick outside of the bubble to stickhandle the puck," said head coach Dan Bylsma. "That is usually a big aspect of Sid's game. Right now he can only push the puck along the ice with his bubble as he rolls it. He's still making plays that way in practice, but it's not quite the same thing."

The Penguins have also struggled to keeps Crosby's bubble inflated, as his razor-sharp skates have repeatedly sliced through it, leaving him in nothing but a hockey helmet, protective face shield, shoulder pads and chest protector, elbow pads, padded gloves, padded hockey pants, knee/shin guards and reinforced skates — essentially unprotected.

"I don't think we can risk that happening in a game," said Bylsma. "Sure, he might be able to last a shift or two, but eventually he's going to get hurt. And hurt bad. He'll take a slap shot off the neck or 400-pound speaker from the arena ceiling will break loose, fall and land on him. It's just his luck."