"I'm so proud of Nathan," said his mother. "We just did a month-long unit on fighting the sin of pride I decided to do that instead of one on geometry and he really exhibited humility today by not going for 150 on me. He is growing into a fine young man. And I'm sure if he knew geometry he would have acted like a real wiseacre out there today, so I obviously made the right decision."
Lippman says he has been working tirelessly at his game during his daily hour-long gym period his mother schedules for each weekday afternoon, which comes right after a two-hour class on the founding fathers and just before a five-minute science class.
"I was really in a zone," said Lippman. "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was a combination of factors. Hard work. Prayer. The purity of not being tainted by public schools. I would even say there was a little luck involved, but then I know that luck is the sort of thing that only people who are involved in witchcraft or consumed by the sin of gambling believe in. So scratch luck off the list of factors. Mostly I'd say, though, my point total was due to playing against my mom. Mother stinks at basketball, but she's the only person I can play against other than my nine younger brothers and sisters because I am not allowed contact with children outside of our family."
Directions: Just circle a word or phrase in each list, print it out, hand it in to a major media outlet and you'll be a published NBA columnist! You're welcome!
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Derrick Rose sat on the bench in a suit and tie again last night
like the huge pussy that he is.
and probably had conflicted feelings about it.
which had to kill him, because there is no bigger competitor in sports than Derrick Rose.
As has been well documented by now, Rose was cleared to return to the court by doctors two months ago.
So that's that. He can play. There is no debate.
Yet an athlete knows his body better than a doctor does.
But who's to say the team's doctors don't want to callously rush him back to the court before he's ready, the true state of his knee be damned?
It's harder to get rid of that than a beard.
"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."
James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.
"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."
That, or he just continues to not give a crap about defense/half the sport of hockey.
"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"
At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful and then got off to a slow start columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.
"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."
HOW TO PLAY WINNING DRUNK GOLF, by Tiger Woods
Tip #1 Don't hit the middle ball; hit all the balls When Rocky Balboa was so punch drunk that he saw three Ivan Dragos, Paulie told him to hit the middle one. Not so when being liquor drunk and playing golf. You want to imagine you are hitting all three balls that you see. This will keep your swing in perfect plane at impact and follow-through, preventing a nasty hook or slice.
Tip #2 Simplify your swing thoughts Anyone who has played golf knows that you can have a thousand thoughts going through your head as you stand over the ball. Whereas when you're playing your best golf, your thoughts are pure, simple. Therefore Helloooooo, alcohol! Have a six-pack before your 9:00 a.m. tee time and you won't have a single thought in your head.
Tip #3 Learn the slope of the green Putting is all about pace and reading the break. Being drunk allows you to read the break perfectly. Just puke all over the green and watch which way your vomit liquid runs. Now putt along that line. (And, yes, golf rules allow you to pick up and remove the chunks in your path. Loophole!)
Purple shirt bro is pretending he's not seeing it.