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May 10, 2013

News Thousands Named "Snyder" Petition Redskins Owner Dan Snyder to Change His Name

Thousands Named Snyder Petition Redskins Owner Dan Snyder to Change His Name - Image 1
More than 700,000 Americans with the last name "Snyder" delivered a petition to the home offices of the Washington Redskins today demanding that team owner Daniel Snyder change his name.

"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."

The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.

"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name — a name that he has ruined."

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Filed Under   NFL   Washington Redskins   Dan Snyder
May 10, 2013

Picture The NBA Responded to a Drunk Guy Who Declared for the NBA Draft

I bet the Heat get him. They're loaded.

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Filed Under   NBA
May 10, 2013

News Homeschool Phenom Scores 118 Points Against His Mom

Homeschool Phenom Scores 118 Points Against His Mom - Image 1
Nathan Lippman, a 15-year-old homeschooled child from Branson, Missouri, set school and state single-game scoring records yesterday afternoon by putting up a whopping 118 points. The homeschool phenom likely could have scored even more but he stalled on offense for most of the fourth quarter to protect the feelings of his opponent – his mother, Sarah.

"I'm so proud of Nathan," said his mother. "We just did a month-long unit on fighting the sin of pride – I decided to do that instead of one on geometry – and he really exhibited humility today by not going for 150 on me. He is growing into a fine young man. And I'm sure if he knew geometry he would have acted like a real wiseacre out there today, so I obviously made the right decision."

Lippman says he has been working tirelessly at his game during his daily hour-long gym period his mother schedules for each weekday afternoon, which comes right after a two-hour class on the founding fathers and just before a five-minute science class.

"I was really in a zone," said Lippman. "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was a combination of factors. Hard work. Prayer. The purity of not being tainted by public schools. I would even say there was a little luck involved, but then I know that luck is the sort of thing that only people who are involved in witchcraft or consumed by the sin of gambling believe in. So scratch luck off the list of factors. Mostly I'd say, though, my point total was due to playing against my mom. Mother stinks at basketball, but she's the only person I can play against – other than my nine younger brothers and sisters – because I am not allowed contact with children outside of our family."

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Filed Under   NBA   misc   NCAAB
May 10, 2013

Opinion How to Write a Sports Column About Derrick Rose

How to Write a Sports Column About Derrick Rose - Image 1

Directions: Just circle a word or phrase in each list, print it out, hand it in to a major media outlet and you'll be a published NBA columnist! You're welcome!

- – - – -

Derrick Rose sat on the bench in a suit and tie again last night …

… like the huge pussy that he is.
… and probably had conflicted feelings about it.
… which had to kill him, because there is no bigger competitor in sports than Derrick Rose.

As has been well documented by now, Rose was cleared to return to the court by doctors two months ago. …

… So that's that. He can play. There is no debate.
… Yet an athlete knows his body better than a doctor does.
… But who's to say the team's doctors don't want to callously rush him back to the court before he's ready, the true state of his knee be damned?

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Filed Under   NBA   media   Chicago Bulls   Derrick Rose
May 09, 2013

Picture St. Louis Blues Fan Has Herself a Super-Hot Beard/Gut

It's harder to get rid of that than a beard.

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Filed Under   NHL   St. Louis Blues
May 9, 2013

News LeBron Carries Tiny Nate Robinson Home to Show His Kids

LeBron Carries Tiny Nate Robinson Home to Show His Kids - Image 1
Following Miami's blowout victory over the Chicago Bulls in Game 2 of their Eastern Conference semifinals series, Heat star LeBron James scooped Nate Robinson off the court, carried him into the locker room and placed the Bulls guard in a gym bag.

"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."

James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.

"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."

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May 09, 2013

Picture Alexander Ovechkin's Controller Was Disconnected on Xbox

That, or he just continues to not give a crap about defense/half the sport of hockey.

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May 9, 2013

News Someone Writing a Column That Gives Credit for Yankees' Surprising Start to Derek Jeter

Someone Writing a Column That Gives Credit for Yankees Surprising Start to Derek Jeter - Image 1
Someone somewhere is currently working on a column that will credit the New York Yankees' surprising start to the season to the leadership of Derek Jeter. The veteran shortstop has not played all season due to an injured ankle and has no timetable for a return, yet it is certain the longtime captain will earn accolades for his role in helping the aging, injury-riddle Yankees to one of the best records in the American League.

"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"

At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful — and then got off to a slow start — columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.

"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."

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Filed Under   MLB   media   new york yankees   derek jeter