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More than 700,000 Americans with the last name "Snyder" delivered a petition to the home offices of the Washington Redskins today demanding that team owner Daniel Snyder change his name.

"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."

The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.

"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name — a name that he has ruined."

Nathan Lippman, a 15-year-old homeschooled child from Branson, Missouri, set school and state single-game scoring records yesterday afternoon by putting up a whopping 118 points. The homeschool phenom likely could have scored even more but he stalled on offense for most of the fourth quarter to protect the feelings of his opponent – his mother, Sarah.

"I'm so proud of Nathan," said his mother. "We just did a month-long unit on fighting the sin of pride – I decided to do that instead of one on geometry – and he really exhibited humility today by not going for 150 on me. He is growing into a fine young man. And I'm sure if he knew geometry he would have acted like a real wiseacre out there today, so I obviously made the right decision."

Lippman says he has been working tirelessly at his game during his daily hour-long gym period his mother schedules for each weekday afternoon, which comes right after a two-hour class on the founding fathers and just before a five-minute science class.

"I was really in a zone," said Lippman. "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was a combination of factors. Hard work. Prayer. The purity of not being tainted by public schools. I would even say there was a little luck involved, but then I know that luck is the sort of thing that only people who are involved in witchcraft or consumed by the sin of gambling believe in. So scratch luck off the list of factors. Mostly I'd say, though, my point total was due to playing against my mom. Mother stinks at basketball, but she's the only person I can play against – other than my nine younger brothers and sisters – because I am not allowed contact with children outside of our family."

Following Miami's blowout victory over the Chicago Bulls in Game 2 of their Eastern Conference semifinals series, Heat star LeBron James scooped Nate Robinson off the court, carried him into the locker room and placed the Bulls guard in a gym bag.

"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."

James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.

"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."

Someone somewhere is currently working on a column that will credit the New York Yankees' surprising start to the season to the leadership of Derek Jeter. The veteran shortstop has not played all season due to an injured ankle and has no timetable for a return, yet it is certain the longtime captain will earn accolades for his role in helping the aging, injury-riddle Yankees to one of the best records in the American League.

"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"

At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful — and then got off to a slow start — columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.

"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."