Archive

It's definitely better than this game, which never even made it into stores:

#1 – Crab Soccer

Anyone who's ever participated in or watched a children's soccer game knows that they're absolute debacles. Weak passing. Disinterested goalkeeping. Fifteen kids following the ball in a tightly bunched knot, while the remaining players sit on the field and pick dandelions. Soccer may be the beautiful game, but it's never been so ugly.

Yet for some reason, crab soccer is awesome. What could be better than seeing a bunch of kids crabwalk around on all fours, trying to kick a ball? The fundamentals are no worse than in actual youth soccer, and the kids get the fun benefit of occasionally stomping on each other's fingers or kicking someone in the face. In fact, we're pretty sure we could talk ourselves into getting excited for the Crab World Cup every four years.

#2 – Getting Hit in the Face with a Dodgeball

Sure, it looks like it will hurt. Does it really, though? Only a little*, and once your nose stops bleeding, you barely even feel it anymore. The few seconds of stinging are more than worth it because they allow you to take part in the best gym class activity of them all: getting out of gym class.

What sort of monstrous coach would make you keep playing after you took a dodgeball to the mouth? That would be downright cruel. No, better to hit the showers, then sit out for the rest of the day. Relax, unwind, have a snack, read a magazine, and laugh at all those poor bastards who didn't have the good fortune to be hit in the face with a rubber ball.

*Unless you wore glasses, in which case your face was covered in lacerations.