This should be the opening scene in "Caddyshack 3."
LSU undergrad Chris House watched the Tigers play Mississippi on Saturday at a stadium tailgate and, in the drunken excitement of the game, gauged her interest in adopting a plus-one system later that night.
"He tried to call it a plus-one system, but I'm not an idiot," said Heather Millen, House's girlfriend. "He wanted to have a threesome with the one girl who showed up who's in his poli sci class. If that's what he wants, then we're going to have some problems."
Millen said she briefly experimented with a plus-one system with a different boyfriend as a freshman, but says she is "through that phase."
"I think the current system works pretty well," she said. "It's not perfect, but no one gets satisfied with the plus-one. I had a plus-one already with an old boyfriend, and I just kind of laid there by herself while they went at it. Two weeks later we broke up."
Do cheerleaders have a no-touch rule? Maybe someone should remind that kid.
Lebron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh promised to make history in Miami and, despite a disappointing start that has seen them win eight games already, the trio believes an NBA record-tying 9-73 regular season mark is still within reach.
"I'm as upset as anyone with our start," said James. "I need to do my part. Wade and Bosh have stepped up with some truly terrible games so far, but I need to pull my weight, too. I can't rely on them for all the failure."
Sitting at 8-6 after losses to the Grizzlies and Pacers, the Heat will have to finish 1-67 to match the Sixers' record of 9-73 in the 1972-73 season.
"It's going to be tough," said Wade. "As much as we want it, we still have games left against teams like the Sixers and Clippers. It's almost impossible not to win a few of those."
Kremer agreed to appear because she received assurances the shoot would be football-focused.
"Their February issue is their Super Bowl issue, so I'm sure it will mainly be about Xs and Os," said Kremer. "I want it to be tasteful and professional. But I don't mind showing another side of myself. I know I'm seen as a super-serious, buttoned up reporter. A nice, fitted t-shirt or something could change perceptions of me."
Maxim editor Keith Blanchard said it would indeed focus on Xs and Os, per Kremer's demands.
"We're going to use a Sharpie to draw up some of the most memorable Super Bowl plays on her body," he said. "I think we'll have the Ben Roethlisberger to Santonio Holmes game-winner in Super Bowl XLIII all over her cleavage. Because she did that game for NBC. So it's obviously appropriate."
"Follow up question: What do boobs feel like?"