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December 28, 2010

Video Soccer Team is Terrible at Soccer

Five missed shots in a row. They're like the Sacramento Kings of soccer.

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Filed Under   Soccer
December 27, 2010

News Top 10 SportsPickle News Stories of 2010

…as determined by traffic numbers.

- – - – -

1. Tennessee Loses Layla Kiffin to USC

2. Anna Kournikova Agrees to Appear in Playboy Article

3. Tiger Woods Sincerely Apologizes for Sleeping with Ugly Chicks

4. Meryl Streep: 'Playing for Heat would be the role of a lifetime'

5. Lebron James Signs 2-Year Contract with Verizon Wireless

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Filed Under   site business
December 27, 2010

Opinion 2010 Sports Punchline Honoree: Tiger Woods

Taking a look at the biggest sports punchlines of 2010…

Tiger's humiliating downfall began at the end of 2009. But it was in 2010 that he truly hit rock bottom with sex rehab, the press conference, the divorce and the being mediocre at golf.

And while all that was bad, the true bottom for Tiger Woods came on April 10, 2010, when, according to Internet research firms, 100-percent of e-mails sent that day were Tiger Woods joke forwards. Yes, the man who just months before was seen as the perfect athlete on and off the course was the subject of an e-mail forward from your Aunt Cindy that included 17 golf/sex euphemisms.

But that e-mail forward from you Aunt Cindy also began Tiger Woods' comeback. Every possible joke about him had been made. Tiger Woods jokes quickly became groan-inducing — like a Perkins waitress with a big rack. (See?)

Farewell, 2010. And farewell to Tiger Woods-as-punchline. In 2011 we want to see you wiggle your shaft, grab your balls and put it in the hole again and again on the way to a 69. And we won't even laugh. We promise.

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Filed Under   golf   Tiger Woods
December 25, 2010

News Rex Ryan Very Disappointed to Get Christmas Socks

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan expressed great disappointment today over getting socks for Christmas.

"I don't know if this is some kind of cruel f—king joke or what," said Ryan, of the package that was sent to his house. "But everyone who knows me knows I want to see feet. The more feet the better."

The gift of socks, which had a Boston postmark, was balanced out by Ryan's wife giving him a 12-by-6-foot mural of her toes.

"That's the greatest piece of art I've ever seen," said Ryan. "It's beyond art, really. No art could be this amazing. Only feet."

Rex says he plans to have the mural hung above the couple's foot-shaped bed. He used the socks to stoke the fire.

"Socks are great kindling," he said. "Nothing is better for getting wooden shoes burning."

Mrs. Ryan said she was very pleased with the 5-karat diamond toe ring her husband got her for Christmas, as well as the foot lingerie.

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Filed Under   NFL   New York Jets   Rex Ryan
December 25, 2010

Opinion A Very Manning Family Christmas

Scene: The living room of the Manning Family home in New Orleans, Christmas morning. The Manning Family is gathered around the Christmas tree.

  1. Eli

    Gee, thanks for my Sponge Bob knapsack, Santa!

  2. Archie

    Okay, kid gift time is over. What did you get me?

  3. (Peyton and Eli pick up a big box from under the tree and place it at their father's feet.)

  4. Archie

    Wow! It's huge!

  5. Cooper

    I chipped in for the paper and the bow.

  6. Archie

    Who are you again?

  7. Cooper

    Cooper. Your oldest.

  8. Archie

    My oldest what? Failure?

  9. Cooper

    No … son.

  10. Archie

    Shut up, failure.

  11. Cooper

    Yes, sir.

  12. (Archie excitedly tears into the package and opens up the top of box. He pulls out a sweater.)

  13. Archie

    What the? What is this? A f—king sweater?

  14. Peyton

    Yeah, dad. We thought it would look good on you. You know, for TV. I got it at the best men's clothier in all of Indianapolis!

  15. Archie

    Indianapo-? … let me tell you little turds something. I don't even like football, okay? I played it for you. I went to college for you. I toiled for years for that piece of crap Saints franchise for you. I learned all about the game for you. So one day I could raise two sons, teach them everything about the game, and they could go on to become the two highest-paid players in the NFL. Why? So they would be super rich and I could get some kickass Christmas gifts.

  16. Cooper

    Umm … three sons, dad.

  17. Olivia

    Shut up, Cooper. Your ashamed father is talking.

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December 19, 2011

Opinion 5 Cheap, Last-Minute, Do-It-Yourself Gift Ideas for Sports Fans

#1 – Baseball

What you need: Roll of duct tape ($3).

How to make it: Form the tape into a ball.

Give the gift: Tell the recipient that it's a baseball.

They may say something like: "What? This is just a ball of duct tape."

To which you can then respond: "Ohhhhhh. I'm sorry. Some of the greatest baseballs players of all-time learned the game playing in the street with balls made of rags or tape. But I forgot: you're so much better than them! I'll run right out and get you a baseball that meets your needs. Do you want me to get one that has the seams stitched with gold thread? Will that suffice, fancy boy? Or does your personal coach supply all of your equipment?"

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Filed Under   misc
December 22, 2010

Opinion If the Christmas Story Was About a Highly-Touted Recruit

Luke 2: 1-18

1 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.

1 In those days the athletic director issued a decree that the coach must start winning and soon. 2 (This was the first such demand since he was hired to replace the AD who had hired the coach.) 3 And everyone went to message boards to spread rumors.

4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

4 So the coach went up from the football office on campus in the middle of the state to the high school of David, because he had a good relationship with the head coach of the team there, David. 5 He went there to talk with the Mary, whose son played for the school and was a very athletic child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the boy to play, 7 and she cheered him on, her son. And she stressed to the coach that they had no clothes, and that they were going to get evicted and there was no room for them at the inn.

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Filed Under   NCAAF
December 22, 2010

Video Weightlifter's Success Goes To His Head, Where Blood Should Be

Let's hope he also has a strong face. (via Page 2)

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Filed Under   weightlifting
December 22, 2010

Opinion Rex Ryan Has Some Advice for His Kicker

  1. Rex Ryan

    Hey, Nick. Good to see you. How you doin'?

  2. Nick Folk

    Good, coach. What's up?

  3. Rex Ryan

    Well, son, it's my job to always improve this team and I've thought of an idea that can help you.

  4. Nick Folk

    Great! Let's hear it.

  5. Rex Ryan

    Well, you have a very strong foot, right?

  6. Nick Folk

    I guess so. And thanks for the compliment.

  7. Rex Ryan

    Sure thing. But how strong is it really? Do you know that I've never seen your foot? And I mean your bare foot. I bet it's very muscular, isn't it? And I bet it's all glistening with sweat, too. Isn't it?

  8. Nick Folk

    Sure, I suppose. I mean, as feet go, it's probably more muscular than most.

  9. Rex Ryan

    Oh, baby. Nick, can you take your shoes off for me right now? Socks, too.

  10. Nick Folk

    Okay.

  11. [He removes his shoes and socks.]

  12. Rex Ryan

    Ohmigod. Ohmigod. They're so hot.

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Filed Under   NFL   New York Jets   Rex Ryan   chats
December 22, 2010

Opinion Geno Auriemma's Pyramid of Success

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Filed Under   NCAAB   UConn Huskies   Geno Auriemma