February 3, 2011 Column
The Gym: Issue #6
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious at the gym? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about the games.
I'm convinced that at some time during my life I will see an old man naked at the gym. I've been preparing my self mentally for several years now.
I was sitting in the sauna after a workout with three other men today. After a few minutes, two of the men left within minutes of each other. The man who remained was a naked tiny old man, probably 5 feet tall and 80 pounds, who sat on the top row of benches in a cross-legged position. But he wasn't sitting upright. He lay in his own lap with his bony arms hanging down to the next bench. I was afraid he was dead so I waited around anxiously until he moved before quickly leaving the gym.
I truly wish I hadn't seen this and no amount of alcohol can erase this memory from my mind. Trust me, I've tried I had finished my workout, showered and was blow drying my hair when, in the mirror, I spotted the reflection of an older woman, late 40s maybe, at station to my right. She had opened her towel, put one foot up on the bench and proceeded to blow dry her crotch with one of the communal hair dryers Needless to say, my hair dryer was the first thing packed for the gym every night. On the off chance I forgot it, I would go out in a Boston winter with wet hair before touching one of the communal hair dryers.
That guy does not have a good concussion face.
"A percentage of the Super Bowl audience tunes in for the football, but we also know that much of America watches for the ads, and they want to see the crudest, lowest-common denominator humor our advertisers can provide," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "And it gets no lower than farting, crotch-punching monkeys. Glen is as important to the Super Bowl as the players are."
Glen first appeared in a Super Bowl commercial in 1981 in a spot for Pepsi. A teenage boy was trying to drink a Coke in the ad when Glen walked up, kicked him in the crotch and farted in his face. America loved the ad and Pepsi's sales skyrocketed.
By 1983 he was in every Super Bowl ad, from beer and car commercials to ads for feminine hygiene products and financial consulting firms. Last year he famously starred in a spot in which he went around kicking Americans in the crotch and farting in their faces if they didn't fill out their Census forms the spot hilariously culminating in him farting in President Obama's mouth as he held a national security meeting.
Maybe next time he'll keep his mask on to fight.
Playlist January's 10 Funniest Sports Videos
RichRod probably went to a quiet place inside where only Josh Groban sings.
Curtis Grant: LB, #2 Overall Prospect very well-developed lower body stiffness issues He possesses magnificent size good depth .
George Farmer: WR, #3 Overall Prospect, committed to USC huge hands and powerful legs thicker extremely explosive hard .
Cyrus Kouandjio: OT, #4 Overall Prospect, committed to Auburn Massive very long giant tight end Does a nice job of using his long arms.
"I have never been charged with a crime," said Roethlisberger. "But you hope that if people see you are trying to make positive changes in your life, be a good person and not put yourself in bad situations, they will give you the benefit of the doubt. But even that doesn't win over everyone. So for all the people who still don't like me, let me say: 'I am sorry for all of the raping I have done in the past. I'm going to do my best to not do more raping. I hope we can all move past the raping now. That's all I will say on the matter.'"
The quarterback knew he would face some difficult questions at Super Bowl Media Day and sought out the advice of coaches, players and close friends on how to handle them.
"They said all I could do is just try to be gracious and present myself as the good guy I am trying to be," said the quarterback. "But I soon realized there were still some skeptics out there, so I just decided to audible to doing a 'My Bad on the raping.'"
"That's all I wanted to hear you say," said the reporter who asked Roethlisberger a question about his offseason incident. "We're good now. Thanks!"