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A lifelong Auburn Tigers fan reportedly has just months to live due to what could only be considered intentional poisoning via years of ingesting cheap and unhealthy fast food, which is full of known toxins.

The fan, Ricky Joe Stutman, age 36, has been a regular attendee at Auburn sporting events since the mid-1980s. He is noted for his large, 5-foot-9, 423-pound frame. He also frequently has toilet paper stuck to him when he comes out of the bathroom.

The poisoning of Stutman first became an issue in late January when he called into the Paul Finebaum radio show while also ordering several bacon cheeseburgers in the Wendy's drive-thru line. Concerned Auburn officials later tested Stutman at the campus health center and found that his blood pressure and cholesterol were extremely elevated and that he could "have a heart attack at, like, any moment."

Seattle Mariners veteran catcher Miguel Olivo reported to training camp this week feeling as though he is already physically ready for the 2011 season.

"I'm in the fourth best shape of my life," said a sort of noticeably trim Olivo. "Last year I was only in the 11th best shape of my life, so I really put time in the gym this offseason. I wanted to get into the top 5 shapes of my life."

Olivo entered his offseason workout regimen hoping to get into the best shape of his life, but soon realized that wasn't realistic.

"You can never be 18 again," he said. "I look at pictures of myself from back then and I had noticeable abs and I didn't even have to workout. I looked great. Now I'm 32 and have pretty much let myself go for more than a decade. So I can't turn back the clock. Especially when the off-season is really only three months. So I'm more than happy to get into the 4th-best shape of my life. You can't see my abs, but my gut doesn't hang out to the point it covers up my belt anymore."