"Today is a great day for the XFL and its dozens to possibly even scores of fans," said the league founder. "Now these much deserving players will have a signed Polaroid of themselves on the wall behind the snack counter next to all the former greats who were privileged enough to grace the hallowed grounds of wherever we played the games."
"I never thought I'd see this day," said former Las Vegas Outlaw running back Leroy Collins. "My picture up on the wall next to greats like Big Sexy and He Hate Me and, um Carl, is it? I wanna say Carl. Anyways, it's a great feeling."
In his defense, he doesn't curse out any athletes younger than 8. (via Deadspin)
April 8, 2011 Column
Tweet of the Week
Thankfully the UConn Huskies were playing that night
From @MikeVick AKA Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick
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Description: He doesn't so much enjoy golf as he enjoys having an environment where it's acceptable to complain about women and crudely talk about sex. Leave a putt short or hit a weak drive? "Come on, Sally! You hit that like a pussy! Nice skirt! Does your husband play?" Hit a putt past the hole or crush a drive? "Whoa! Someone's wife isn't giving him enough of the poontang! Look at all that extra aggression!" Whatever The Misogynist shoots in a round, put him down for double that number on uses of the terms "old lady" and "ole' ball and chain."
Fun Fact: The Misogynist has been banned from 12 courses for trying to feel up the beverage cart girl.
The Rules Official
Description: He has read the USGA rules book two dozen times and has a copy of it in his golf bag that he will display at a moment's notice. You better not be trying to move your ball out of that mud patch in the middle of the fairway because, according to Rule 13-b(1.4), that particular mud patch, due to its lack of distinguishing marks, does not fit the criteria for "ground under repair." I mean, sure, if you want to play that way, fine. But if this was the US Open you'd be getting a significant penalty.
Fun Fact: The Rules Official received a severe beating in 8th grade after reminding his math teacher that she had forgotten to assign homework.
Really, all uses of exercise balls are not fun.
April 7, 2011 Column
The Gym: Issue #12
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious at the gym? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about games.
I have worked at a gym for quite a while. I was talking to a member once about the steam room and the reason I never go in it; I consider it a sess pool. His response, after telling me how relaxing it was, went along the lines of: "Well, if you do, don't sit on the bottom step," and made the motion of jerking off. Needless to say, that was more than enough incentive to never step foot in a steam room again.
My schedule of classes got switched around this semester, so my workout times have changed to the early morning. It's unreal the difference of people based on what time of day it is. I was accustomed to a steady dose of former high school athletes, fraternity/sorority types, and, in general, your typical, run of the mill college students in the mid afternoon, but I got a glimpse of the "morning crowd" on the first day of classes.
The very first words I heard coming into the weight room: "Ya know, there's always been paranoia about the zombie apocalypse. But I'm starting to buy in to it and get freaked out. Stuff's happening man, I just want some answers ."
Welcome to the morning crowd.
"Have you seen him?" said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "He has a beard. But not just any beard. It's a dark black beard and it's large almost comically so. Plus, he's really intense about his beard. So we're very confident that Brian Wilson and his beard will resonate all across the country and get people excited about baseball."
Wilson, or Wilson's beard, has been pushed heavily since the Giants won the World Series last October. The Wilson/beard combo is a frequent interview subject and the star of several national ad campaigns, including spots for MLB and ESPN.
"You see, he has a big beard and has had two successful seasons in the major leagues," said Rob Brandon, MLB Director of Marketing. "There's really no way to beat that. It writes itself, just like how facial hair grows itself. But unlike most men, Brian doesn't shave so that's what makes him so cool and marketable. It couldn't be clearer."
While Wilson and his beard remain the sport's focal point for 2011, MLB officials say they are open to also promoting other above-average players with unusual growths or poor hygiene.
At times like this I remember what a great country this is.