Okay. America takes it back. Soccer is awesome.
"Last March I was getting the finest tail in all of Northern Iowa," says Farokhmanesh. "From farmer's daughters to farmer's sisters to farmer's wives. There was even a farmer's mother. Thankfully, he was a younger farmer."
But today, while the 2011 Sweet 16 is set to open, Farokhmanesh finds himself far removed from being the king of the upper-third of the state of Iowa. Undrafted by the NBA, the 6-foot is scraping by playing for SAM Massagno Basket of the Swiss league.
"Honestly, I chose to play for the Swiss league because I hoped Swiss milk maids would be as into me as Iowa milk maids," says Farokhmanesh. "But the girls here never heard of me. They never heard of the NCAA Tournament or Northern Iowa. To them I'm just the little guy with the weird name who sits on the bench."
Having sex with him is committing plantiality.
But since the two started being seen together a few months ago, whispers have grown around the golf world that Lahti Johnston is simply dating Woods in hopes she can catch the eye of Martin Kaymer, the No. 1 ranked golfer in the world.
"People want to be with the best," said former British Open champion Stewart Cink. "We saw all the tail Tiger got when he was No. 1. And now it's Martin's turn up top. You really can't get any hotter than Martin Kaymer right now. I mean, that guy is an international superstar! If I was Tiger, I would be very skeptical of this girl's intentions."
"It's not just the fact that Martin is ranked No. 1 while Tiger is only No. 3," said Steve Stricker. "Martin also has impeccably pleated pants and I'd guess at least 300 different colors of polo shirts. Throw in that German accent and an incredibly awkward manner around girls that can be interpreted as being shy, and he's got golf groupies all over him. They want in on that total package."
Video The Gus Johnson of Spain
Rise y fire!
- NAPA CEO
I appreciate you coming all the way out here. We've never had a big city advertising agency, but we think it's time we do a campaign that gets us noticed.
- Ad Exec
Glad to hear it. We think we've got just the campaign for you. In fact, we're so confident that we have already gone ahead and shot the entire commercial.
The Ad Exec dims the boardroom lights and plays the "NAPA Know How" ad on a large, flatscreen television. Once the 30-second spot ends, the Ad Exec turns the lights back on.
- Ad Exec
Well, what did you think?
- NAPA CEO
I I don't even know what to say. No, I do: I hated every second of it. I want to take one of those pistons he was holding and shove it directly into my ears, rupturing my eardrums and then continue pushing it all the way into my brain to destroy the memory I have of watching it.
- Ad Exec
Perfect! That is exactly what we were going for!
It took 11 years to explain the offsides rule to him.