March 18, 2011 Column
Tweet of the Week
Roger Goodell can't suspend him for it because he's locked out
March 17, 2011 Column
Overheard ...
The Gym: Issue #10
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious at the gym? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about games.
It was the normal douche-fest at my gym. These three guys who were benching decide to stand on top of the bench and have a pull-up competition off of a beam running alongside a heat vent. (I should note there were actual pull-up bars nearby.)
So the gym manager yells at them to get down. The one guy hangs a little longer and then releases like he just dunked on someone. Because he's a douche. Doing this rattled the air vent and as he landed a dead mouse fell out of the vent and landed on his shoulder. I've still never heard a scream as high-pitched as that brah's scream.
I keep renewing my gym membership partly to stay in shape but also just to marvel at the idiots that go there.
- Will
There is this guy at my gym, he's probably about 40, who has been there for a few years and only works his legs. That's it. He doesn't even do abs. Just legs. He is like the complete opposite of every stereotype about meatheads with huge upper bodies and spindly, string legs.
His legs are HUGE. Like speed skater/NFL running back size. And then his upper body is built like a 10 year-old boy. He is shaped like a triangle. In a way, he almost looks like a centaur. It's so weird.
Me and my friends have always wondered why he does this. My buddy recently asked him, as casually as possible, if he had a shoulder injury or something. The guy said: "No. I believe in building a good base and working from the bottom up."
At this rate he'll get to his shoulders when he's 85 years-old.
- Deon
Opinion Your Mascot-By-Mascot Analysis of the NCAA Tournament Field: Part 2
West Region
1 – Duke Blue Devils vs. 16 – Hampton Pirates
Either way, Pirates aren't known for their strong moral fiber (all that raping and pillaging), and are quite likely to succumb to the temptations of any form of demon.
Regardless of its color or how jaunty its beret is.
ADVANTAGE: Duke Blue Devils
8 – Michigan Wolverines vs. 9 – Tennessee Volunteers
Wolverines are savage mammals known for their sharp claws and ferocious hunting skills. Volunteers are known for their tenacious ability to cook soup for poor people and collect money for needy kids at Christmas time. We have quite a fight on our hands here, folks, but the Volunteers pull it out in the end. Turns out soup ladles are a Wolverine's Achilles heel.
ADVANTAGE: Tennessee Volunteers
Picture Swoosh Turd
It's not a dog turd. Michael Jordan is contractually obligated to crap like that. (via Total Pro Sports)
Link TJ Fredette, The Jimmer's Brother, Is Back With Some Dope NCAA Tournament Rhymes
"It's March again/so we march again." WORD!
Opinion Your Mascot-By-Mascot Analysis of the NCAA Tournament Field
If you are taking your bracket seriously this year, you probably have all kinds of detailed knowledge about which team has the most trips to the free-throw line while playing after 6 PM during daylight savings time while having one or more players with a "Q" in their name playing in the power forward position.
While stats like these combine all the things that make sports awesome (Excel spreadsheets, late nights with a clipboard, and advanced calculus) I propose we take a break from the official line and see who would win based on mascots.
Southeast Region
1 – Pitt Panthers vs. 16 – UNC-Asheville Trojans / Arkansas-Little Rock Bulldogs
The Pittsburgh Panther kills the distracted Trojan, who has never seen a skateboard, let alone a Bulldog riding on one, and then the Panther kills the Bulldog. It looks a little something like this:
- TROJAN
What manner of horseless chariot dost that yonder canine ride upon?
- Panther
[maul]
(I don't know why the Trojan speaks with a Shakespearean accent, it just seemed right.)
ADVANTAGE: Pitt Panthers
8 – Butler Bulldogs vs. 9 – Old Dominion Monarchs
The Monarch first attempts to crush the Bulldog's head with his scepter, but cannot seem to land a hit (remember, Bulldogs have incredible dexterity).
The Monarch tires quickly, having no subjects to complete his tasks for him, and is quickly subdued by the Bulldog, who adds insult to injury by forcing him to sign the Magna Carta.
ADVANTAGE: Butler Bulldogs
4 – Wisconsin Badgers vs. 13 – Belmont Bruins
What is a Bruin you ask? It's actually a very drunk bear (Bruin being a long-accepted bastardization of the word Brewin'). The Bruin comes out of the locker room after a long night of partying and is all like: "Oh my God, what did I do last night?" and then logs onto Facebook and has to start deleting pictures of himself dancing on tables and flashing his bear parts to the bartender for free drinks.
Badgers win by five, and by five I mean five claws ripping off the hungover bear's face.
ADVANTAGE: Wisconsin Badgers.
