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While Butler head coach Brad Stevens is currently the fresh-faced, Goliath-slaying darling of the NCAA Tournament, many say it won't be long before you hate him as much as every other elite coach in college basketball.

"This is pretty much the honeymoon phase for Brad Stevens with America," said Dr. Peter Wolcomb, a behavioral studies professor at Butler University. "Success breeds contempt. And success in college basketball, which is a disgusting cesspool of filth and deceit, breeds suspicion. Soon he'll be as loathed as Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Calhoun, John Calipari … or really any college basketball coach you can name."

With Butler now on the national radar thanks to back-to-back trips to the Final Four, even the slightest hint of misbehavior from the program will be seen as evidence Stevens is no better or cleaner than any other coach.

"Say one of their players gets a speeding ticket," said Harvard sociology department chair Dr. Emmett Baker. "Or you hear that someone on the team is taking a fairly easy major. You will then project all of your negative opinions of college basketball on the Butler program and Stevens himself, presuming what you've heard is only the tip of the iceberg and that Butler players are paid six-figures and plied with high-priced strippers — all under the direction of Brad Stevens."

A jury today failed to convict former baseball slugger Barry Bonds on four counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice, but the all-time home runs leader was found guilty on a single count of having small testicles.

"You always hope for a full conviction on every charge," said federal prosecutor Jeff Nedrow. "But we did get him on the one that is by far the most embarrassing and the one people will talk about."

For having shrunken testicles, Bonds will receive the federally suggested jail time of zero days in jail. The judge did, however, suggest that everyone make fun of Bonds and point and laugh at him when they see him in the street.

"It is the opinion of this court," said judge Susan Illston, "that anyone who sees Mr. Bonds from this day forward should say stuff like: 'Ha-ha! You have small balls!' And: 'Hey, Mr. Tiny Balls!' And … well, various iterations of those. Coming up with taunts about small testicles is not really my strength. Basically, just make fun of him for having iddy bitty testicles, okay?"