Who needs a cup when you just keep your hand there?
It's slightly less funny if he's dead.
"I love the NBA and I've always liked how Lebron James plays the game and how he's stayed out of trouble and has had a great career despite all of the pressure on him since an early age," said Kris Mazur, an NBA fan in New York. "So when I heard he was active on Twitter I decided to join up and follow him. Three days later and there is no other athlete I have ever despised more than Lebron James."
Mazur's story is similar to many other fans on Twitter across all sports from basketball and football to NASCAR and golf who had hoped to follow their favorite athletes beyond news reports and soundbites.
"I eventually had to delete my Twitter account because I realized that I had started to root against every athlete and every team," said Dallas sports fan Kendall Riley. "Twitter was ruining sports for me. I've learned that it's better I just watch them perform on the field and not know that they can't spell, are stunningly egotistical or misogynistic, or just generally uninteresting and douchey."
"We apologize for even taking up your time to issue this statement," said some female basketball player at a press conference, "because we know you want to see less of us, not more. But we just feel the need to apologize for being alive and for enjoying a sport that you also like. We can't change it, but we hope it doesn't ruin your life too much."
The female basketball players say they plan to complete their tournament, but don't want you to feel pressured to watch it or read about it.
Take THAT, Shaq!
"Wow. I knew something unusual was happening out there on the court," said Butler head coach Brad Stevens, "and now this record proves it. We are very disappointed to lose, but at least we were part of history. I guess."
Despite the loss, Stevens' Butler squad led the way in creating rebound opportunities by missing 52 field goals and six free throws.
"They really dominated us on the missed shots," said UConn head coach Jim Calhoun. "It wasn't even close. But we managed to beat them in almost every other statistical category and it showed up on the scoreboard."
While UConn's players got to cut down the nets as NCAA champions, Butler will also receive a memento from the game: the rims and backboards.
"They were damaged beyond repair from all of the bricks they threw up, so we can't use them anyway," said Reliant Stadium court manager Jeff Tidway. "So Butler is getting the rims most of the paint is chipped off and also the backboards, which have a number of hairline fractures."