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Yankee captain Derek Jeter worked all offseason to change his approach at the plate after a career-worst 2010 campaign. But after an ever worse start to the 2011 season, Jeter is already abandoning those changes.

"I need to go back to what worked for me during my prime," said Jeter, whose average is hovering around .200. "I hoped using that fat plastic bat would help me make contact, but I feel like I look foolish out there — even more foolish than I look with a regular wood bat."

The few times Jeter has made contact this season, the ball cracked his plastic bat or the contact resulted in nothing but a weak ground ball. The short, two-foot bat also had him struggling to get to any pitches on the outside corner.

"I'm not sure if I'll be any better with a real wood bat," said Jeter. "In fact, I'm sure I won't be. But at least I'll be able to go out with what remains of my dignity."

The Philadelphia Phillies today announced a plan that will give fans back 50-percent of the face value of any ticket purchased for a game in which the terrible Joe Blanton appears.

"We aim to run a class, fan-friendly organization," said team chairman Bill Giles. "And it's simply not fair that 20-percent of the fans who come to Citizens Bank Park this year will be forced to watch Joe Blanton pitch. That is — if we can't trade him or find someone to replace him. And please, God, let that happen. Please. As soon as possible."

The portly righty, who is decidedly not part of the "Fab Four," has a 10.45 ERA through his first two starts of the season, well above the ERAs of Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, Roy Oswalt and Cliff Lee.

Philadelphia's Blanton refund program — tentatively dubbed "We're Sorry About Joe Blanton Refund Program" — will allow fans to get cash for their ticket at the start of the third inning or as soon as Blanton is knocked out of the game, whichever comes first.

The order has been given. Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan has reportedly told longtime friend and enforcer Charles Oakley to put an end to up-and-coming Bulls star Derrick Rose.

"It's gone on long enough," said a source close to Jordan. "Michael is not going to sit by while some kid attempts to forge a new basketball legacy in Chicago. Michael is adamant that he always be the King of Chicago. So Derrick must die."

Despite Rose winning NBA Rookie of the Year two seasons ago and making the All-Star team last year, Jordan reportedly did not become threatened by the 22 year-old star until very recently.

"Mike didn't think Rose would ever be much of a player," said a Charlotte Bobcats staff member who wished to remain anonymous, "because he is a terrible, terrible, terrible judge of talent. Just terrible. Really, a few years ago he was worried that Kirk Hinrich would challenge all of his Bulls records. Derrick even being a serviceable NBA player caught Michael by complete surprise."

Tom Brady is not only one of the greatest quarterbacks of his generation, it also seems he is one of the greatest pranksters of all-time.

The New England Patriots star admitted today that his overtly feminine behavior in recent years, behavior that has intensified in the past few weeks, has just been an elaborate ruse intended to show "the discordant link between celebrity perception and reality in our culture."

"I'm not really this soft and lady-like," said Brady, grabbing at the long, flowing hair framing his face. "I don't really want to look like this. I mean, come on. I don't really start crying when I talk about the NFL Draft. I don't really wear pigtails. I don't really wear Uggs. I don't dance by myself to Samba music. I don't have my wife feed me grapes poolside. I don't … I can't even remember everything I've done anymore. There's been so much and it's gone on for so long."

Brady says he began his experiment after his breakup with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan.

"I felt the media didn't cover that fairly, that I was painted as the bad guy, so I decided to mess with them," says Brady, "by experimenting with my appearance and behavior."