"In Jose's defense, he has never failed a drug test," said commissioner Bud Selig. "On the other hand, last year at age 29 he suddenly transformed from an established turd of a player with middling home run ability into the most dominating power force the sport has seen in a decade. Sooooooooo yeah."
Bautista maintains his innocence and says he will appeal the suspension. But there is very little he can do. According to Selig, an anonymous poll was taken of everyone in baseball players, coaches, front office executives and fans and 100-percent said they believe Bautista is definitely using something, a unanimous result which triggers the allowance for suspension.
According to one player who asked to remain anonymous, he has heard rumors that Bautista is a deformed tumor that grew off of one of Barry Bonds' pec muscles, was surgically removed, incubated for a year, and then placed into the middle of Toronto's lineup.
"It seems unlikely, I suppose," said the player. "But where else did he come from? The Pirates? That's absolutely ridiculous."
"Hey, I get it guys. I used to ride snow surfboards."
The writer probably has a good lede comparing abusing the defense to child molestation.
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
If Albert Pujols hasn't said these exact words to Cardinals GM John Mozeliak about getting a new contract, he needs to right away before the "world of fools" "break them down." (coughCubsGMJimHendrycough)
Plus, the Bee Gees were really popular in the late '70s when Albert Pujols was in high school, so it's a perfect fit.
Suck it, Hasselhoff.
"There's blood. Blood everywhere. So much blood," said a clearly in shock Ian Poulter, who has repeatedly said that Tiger's dominance is over. "I- I Phil is dead. He's so dead."
Woods shot a 42 on the front-9 in the 1st Round at the Players Championship and then withdrew from the tournament with lingering knee pain. As he collected his belongings in the locker room, the Golf Channel was on a nearby television, and witnesses say he heard the TV analysts saying other players weren't scared of him anymore.
"He then took off his right shoe and held it above his head," said a weeping Stewart Cink. "'You don't fear me anymore?' he said. 'You will now, motherfkers.' And then it was so sudden. I couldn't rescue Phil."
Mickelson was sitting in front of his locker directly across from Woods. When the first spiked blows reigned down upon him, he elicited girl-like shrieks. And then he went silent, dead, as Woods continued to bludgeon his lifeless body, yelling: "WHO'S SCARED OF ME NOW? WHO'S SCARED OF ME NOW?" with each blow.
The assault only ended when Woods tweaked his knee on the slippery blood that pooled around him.
The NY Post, for when TMZ won't look at your resume.