There's probably a Cavaliers bar in Rehobeth Beach.
#1 David Stern and the Frozen Envelope
The Theory: Before the 1985 NBA Draft lottery, Stern perhaps along with other top NBA executives had the envelope containing the Knicks' card frozen so Stern would be able to feel it by touch and know to leave it for the No. 1 overall pick, handing Patrick Ewing to the Knicks.
Why It Might Be True: The NBA has long wanted the big market Knicks to be good, Stern is a New York native, the team was in the toilet at the time and Patrick Ewing was the most desired rookie to come along in years. Plus, Stern has never struck anyone as the most ethical fellow.
Why It Might Be False: If David Stern was in the business of rigging things so the Knicks would be good, he would have had Isiah Thomas killed years ago. In fact, you have to wonder if there's a conspiracy against the Knicks.
"I've been looking through some of the results of recent tournaments, and there is a new guy whose name keeps coming up," said ATP chairman Adam Helfant. "No, not Andy Roddick. He's not good. It's a guy I never heard of before. He has a weird, foreign name."
Rafael Nadal says he has also noticed a new player who doesn't lose to him all the time.
"Just the other day I lost a match and I ran up to the net to shake Roger's hand only it wasn't Roger!" said Nadal. "It was a totally different, non-Roger Federer guy. I thought I was having a dream. Only it would be a recurring dream, because he's beaten me more than once, whoever he is, if he really does exist. Do you know his name? No? Then let's call him Dream Man."
Maybe Subway would work for this obese Jared, too.
Maybe it's a custom in Finland to get drunk and fall down steps into a trophy.
"Before our first home game this season, I ate four chili dogs before the game, and the wins have been coming in ever since," said catcher Carlos Santana. "My doctor says there is a pretty good chance that my heart will explode before the All-Star Break, but hey, anything to keep us winning."
Few experts would have picked the Indians to be above .500 at this point, let alone commanding a four-game division lead. No one seems to be able to explain their winning ways with science or statistical research, so unsurprisingly they are invoking the supernatural as a means of clarification.
"Of course, everyone has their own special routines and lucky things that they do before each game," explained manager Manny Acta as he cut another chicken's throat with the precision of a trained surgeon.
"Oh, hell yes," said Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs before the interviewer even finished his question about having a homosexual teammate. "I'd be on a team full of hot lesbians if there was one. Definitely. And I'd be cool with a few gay dudes, too, because I'd know they wouldn't be trying to compete with me for the girls. Yes, yes, yes. I am very open-minded about all that."
Suggs' sentiments were echoed by athletes surveyed in all four major sports.
"It's an interesting question you pose and a topic of great import," said Dodgers pitcher Josh Beckett. "Just last night at our hotel I was watching a fascinating documentary about it. Well, I don't know if you would necessarily call it a documentary. It was a porno. But the one girl had a natural rack, so it seemed pretty realistic. Anyway, I'm all for having lesbian teammates and then, of course, instantly making them bi with my rugged masculinity and having non-stop orgies with them."
Athlete after athlete ignored the true point of the question whether they would be okay with a gay, male teammate and instead jumped right to lesbian fantasy. Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin says that is common for any topic that is brought up in a sports locker room.
"I can say something like: 'Today we're going to work on our two-minute drill,'" said Tomlin, "and without question some player will pipe up with 'You know who I'd like to drill? Two chicks.' Twenty minutes later, I'm still trying to get everyone's attention."