Archive

With reports of his poor play in the NBA Finals spreading across the country and the world, associates of Miami Heat superstar Lebron James are trying to confiscate tapes of the series before they go viral and hurt James' image.

"This was a very private event for Lebron and not meant for public consumption," said Maverick Carter, his closest advisor. "We feel that anyone who has seen tapes of the Finals or watched them live are in violation of our wishes and must cease and desist remembering what they saw immediately or face civil action."

Carter is working with Nike, Coca-Cola and McDonald's — James' three biggest endorsement partners — in a desperate attempt to get rid of all record of the Heat star's play in the Finals, similar to the effort made when there was video of Jordan Crawford dunking on James at a 2009 summer camp. Carter hopes to meet with ABC and NBA officials this week to discuss handing over the tapes.

"They claim they have rights to broadcast the games and license out the footage," said Carter, "but I can assure you that we never would have agreed to anything like that had we known how poorly Lebron was going to play."

Shaquille O'Neal's latest foray into film is as bad as his original appearances in movies such as "Kazaam" and "Steel", say film critics.

"The f—king in 'How My Ass Tastes' is horribly contrived," famed film critic Roger Ebert wrote on his blog today. "Who knew it was possible, but Shaq is worse at something than delivering a line of dialogue. And that's delivering a thrust."

The 'New York Times' gave the sex tape an even harsher review:

"No one cares much about a plot in a sex tape. But I haven't watched anything this empty and pointless since I saw the first four minutes of 'Kazaam' before walking out."

The Shaq tape reportedly dates back to 2008 and shows O'Neal with two women. The footage was captured on a security camera.

"If there's one redeeming quality, it's that the grainy, security camera footage somewhat masks Shaq's lumpy, sweaty, wheezing body," wrote Ebert. "It's all that kept me from vomiting on my television."

Dirk Nowitzki's first NBA title has shot him into the upper echelon of sports stars and that new-found popularity is already being seen at basketball courts across the United States.

"Everybody wants to be Dirk now," said D'Maurice Taylor, a 16 year-old Harlem resident during a break in the action at New York's famed Rucker Park. "All anybody wants to do now is shoot fallaway jumpers and free throws," he added in a thick, German accent.

As David Hasselhoff music blared from the sidelines, play resumed. Nearby, a schnitzel and beer cart served locals who stopped by the courts to watch the action.

"Das kinder are playing very efficiently today," remarked one local barbershop owner.

The scene is similar in gyms and on courts everywhere. A high school coach in Indiana held a summer camp last weekend and said he couldn't get the campers away from the free throw line to practice their dunking. At the Venice Beach courts in Los Angeles, players were sporting the latest in lederhosen.