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The Minnesota Vikings announced today that they have acquired Donovan McNabb to be the team's new starting quarterback. The team also announced at the end of the press conference that McNabb has been benched indefinitely.

"I'm sorry, but as the press conference went on, I just realized that McNabb wasn't a good fit and that I really would prefer almost anyone else playing quarterback for us," said Vikings vice president Rick Spielman. "Nothing against Donovan. He's a good guy."

McNabb, who was smiling and excited when he was first introduced, sat stone-faced beside Spielman at the end as he learned that he had already lost his job.

"It's tough. It's a tough situation," said McNabb, minutes after the event. "I've been kicked in the teeth a lot during my career, often times out of nowhere and completely unprovoked. But this is probably the worst one. I didn't expect to get benched until we played two or three preseason games at the earliest."

The Philadelphia Phillies pulled the trigger today on a trade to bring in a much-needed right-handed bat. The bat, acquired from the Houston Astros, is scheduled to arrive via FedEx tomorrow morning.

"I am really excited to get this bat in the lineup," said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. "It's a fine quality ash and very dense. I am expecting some big power out of it."

And while Amaro traded for the bat to plug the Phillies' power vacuum from the right side, manager Charlie Manuel feels the bat can provide even more.

"Perhaps I'm missing something, but couldn't this bat also hit from the left side?" he said. "As far as I know there's no such thing as a right-handed or left-handed bat. It all depends on how the batter holds it, right? I mean I know baseball isn't full of intellectuals, but this doesn't seem like rocket science to me."

In the face of growing umpire incompetence, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball will expand its instant replay format that currently only allows a review on questionable home runs.

"It is not our desire to have games interrupted by constant video reviews like we see in other sports," said Selig. "However, there is some space to allow for the review of especially shitty calls, and that's what baseball will do from now on."

Selig did not give specifics on what is an "especially shitty call," but insisted that no specifics are needed.

"It's obvious," said Selig. "I mean, you see a play and if everyone goes: 'What the f—k? What was that asshole looking at?' That would be the kind of play that gets reviewed."