Clear eyes, full hearts, mouths with missing teeth, CAN'T LOSE!
"I got started with Pryor, then moved on to Plaxico Burress, Cedric Benson and all the other criminals tarnishing the shield. I quickly realized that if you looked hard enough, you could suspend every player in the NFL for something," Goodell said, smiling from ear to ear.
Goodell denied that this was simply a ploy to re-instate the NFL lockout, which lasted 144 days but failed to cost the league any regular season games. When pressed on the sheer volume of suspensions, Goodell turned the proceedings over to Raiders owner Al Davis, who detailed the reasons for each player's suspension via an overhead projector.
"Ben Roethlisberger: tarnishing the shield. Drew Brees: varnishing the shield. Albert Haynesworth: garnishing his meal."
Yeah, but can it punt?
Ever hear a coach say something horrible and/or hilarious? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about things overheard at a game, at the gym or terrible sports gifts you've received.
My Pony League baseball team was not very good, and everyone knew it. Our coach knew it too, so his attitude was to have fun. At that time, it was popular to break the huddle with "Hits and Runs!" But as I mentioned, we weren't good, and just wanted to have fun, so our coach had us break the huddle with "Tits and Guns!" He was arrested two years later for carrying a loaded shotgun in his pickup truck.
Like most football coaches, my high school coach absolutely hated penalties. His most hated, by far, was offsides on a kick-off. He explained what a disadvantage the coverage unit has when they have to cover the kick-off twice. Every time we were getting ready to practice special teams, he would start us off with his favorite saying: "Now everybody remember. It is better to have died as a small child than to be offsides on a kick-off."
Eeeew! Yankees fans have cooties! No, seriously.
"We have reviewed all the facts relating to the Miami Hurricanes football program," Emmert told reporters at the packed media event. "And really nothing seemed out of the ordinary. If it's not obvious to everyone by now, and I don't know how it could not be, players in all of our programs good, bad and mediocre are getting paid and doing strippers and blow. Have been for a while, too. So let's move on, okay?"
Emmert said he actually found the level of corruption at Miami "adorably old-fashioned."
"Really? Just one abortion that was paid for?" he said. "That's well below average. I know of several programs where coaches have personally paid for abortions for players who have impregnated their wives players they gave their wives to for sex. Miami is practically Amish compared to some of the shit I've seen."
Many reporters questioned Emmert's claim that every NCAA program is dirty, so the president then encouraged those gathered to shout out school names.
"Stanford," said one reporter.
"They sacrifice a live hooker before each game," said Emmert. "I've seen it with my own eyes. Next?"
"Oh, so now you want me to drive you to the hospital, but when I ask you to clean your room you always say you'll do it later."